ILoveMyPersonalPerfectedEdward
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Joined 05-23-09, id: 670032, Profile Updated: 06-05-11
Author has written 24 stories for Young Adult, Love, Song, Life, Fantasy, Nature, Fantasy, General, and Essay.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define great, he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.


A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks.

“Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is-”

“Wait, wait. Back up a minute,” The man says. “My agent called?”


How many science fiction writers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, light bulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.

How many publishers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw it in. Two to hold down the author.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Why does it *have* to be changed?

How many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A VAST AND TEEMING HORDE STRETCHING FROM SEA TO SHINING SEA!!!!


How many screenwriters does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Ten.
1st draft. Hero changes light bulb.
2nd draft. Villain changes light bulb.
3rd draft. Hero stops villain from changing light bulb. Villain falls to death.
4th draft. Lose the light bulb.
5th draft. Light bulb back in. Fluorescent instead of tungsten.
6th draft. Villain breaks bulb, uses it to kill hero's mentor.
7th draft. Fluorescent not working. Back to tungsten.
8th draft. Hero forces villain to eat light bulb.
9th draft. Hero laments loss of light bulb. Doesn't change it.
10th draft. Hero changes light bulb.


How to Write Good (enjoy these, my personal favourites)

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren't necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don't never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.


Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Illusionism, or How To Ensnare by Symmetrical reviews
There's a sonnet for all who hold the devil. How far must one tread to gain the admiration, and the world is watching a stage unmanned.
Poetry: Fantasy - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 646 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 2 - Published: 8/30/2010 - Complete
Soft Spoken by Symmetrical reviews
You're a small bubble of hate and I'm the ocean. We understand. We rage.
Poetry: Life - Rated: T - English - Drama/Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 269 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 7/21/2010 - Complete
Forever by JustinSecure reviews
It's inevitable. I just can't grab it.
Poetry: Life - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 53 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Published: 7/14/2010
Hope by JustinSecure reviews
Not used to the style, lemme know what you think.
Poetry: Life - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 69 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 7/14/2010
Waltz by Symmetrical reviews
There are those who dance across the ballroom floor, and there are those who watch.
Poetry: Love - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 107 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 2 - Published: 7/12/2010 - Complete
Tears by bitheway reviews
A poem about cutting
Poetry: Life - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 117 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 7/4/2010 - Complete
Edge of the World by CelestialPetal reviews
When pain can be too much, you can feel like you're at the edge of the world.
Poetry: Love - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 131 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 6/25/2010 - Complete
Mommy, Please Don't by Kyndyle Gonzalez reviews
An abortion-themed poem/song, set to the tune of "Run Joey Run". It's from the unborn's POV.
Poetry: Love - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 317 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 2 - Published: 6/23/2010 - Complete
Magic by EmpatheticEmber reviews
Nothing more magical than perfect romance.
Poetry: Love - Rated: T - English - Poetry/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 68 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 2/22/2010 - Complete
The Precipice by gklh910 reviews
Don't look down.
Poetry: Love - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 113 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 2/13/2010 - Complete
A Boy A Girl by zeck-zeecola8 reviews
Amazing what you find in dreams can be your only key to survival.
Poetry: Love - Rated: K+ - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 317 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 2/12/2010 - Complete
You Matter To Me by zeck-zeecola8 reviews
A poem about someone I fell for, I used this poem to let him know. Hope you enjoy it. Leave a review, tell me what you think. Can you connect?
Poetry: Love - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 118 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 10/14/2009 - Complete
Fallen by shiroikaze0403 reviews
How much longer can she live in the depths of hell, his romance?... R&R!
Poetry: Song - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 150 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 2 - Published: 4/18/2009 - Complete
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Solitude reviews
Clinging onto the bits and pieces of my fragile self-control.. while they're being shattered every few moments.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 101 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 8/4/2011 - Complete
The Careless Heartbreak reviews
People close to her never know when to expect another out-break or emotional break-down. It always seems to be one of the two, or nothing. Miss nothing, is what we like to call Sarah Amaury.
Fiction: Young Adult - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,138 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 6/5/2011
Criminal reviews
A short story about a criminal or two. Funny : Rated T for language.
Fiction: General - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 625 - Reviews: 3 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 5/29/2011 - Published: 8/29/2010
Leave reviews
A poem of taking a break from love, and the matters that cause it to happen.
Poetry: Love - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 122 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 11/25/2010 - Complete
The Imagination reviews
This is sort of a drabble, although it's a little longer than you're average one: "The imagination is a gift from our Lord, it is not something that is earned when you're mature enough to use it correctly."
Fiction: Essay - Rated: K+ - English - Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 243 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 11/20/2010 - Complete
Jigsaw Puzzle reviews
My brain felt battered, My heart was shattered, And I always saw you as the healer
Poetry: Life - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 157 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 8/26/2010 - Complete
Self Image reviews
Burning, drowning, shaking, blowing and... screaming in silence.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K+ - English - Angst/Mystery - Chapters: 1 - Words: 80 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 7/16/2010 - Complete
Cutter reviews
Please don't read this if you're a sensitive person. Rated T for a reason.
Poetry: Life - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Suspense - Chapters: 1 - Words: 102 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Published: 6/26/2010 - Complete
Winter reviews
A winter day at school captured. High school particularly teenage love
Poetry: Nature - Rated: K+ - English - Poetry/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 26 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 4/19/2010 - Complete
Freaks of nature reviews
A boy goes to high school, in a new town, a new country and everything is entirely new. Although, he doesn't know what strange things are waiting for him at this new school... almost or most probably unnatural things... Read&Review!
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 4 - Words: 4,429 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 4/8/2010 - Published: 4/4/2010
Unleashed reviews
A true poem, something that had inspired me. Read, enjoy and tell me what you thought!
Poetry: Life - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 103 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 4/4/2010 - Complete
Love reviews
An all-sorts-of-love inspired poem. Read, enjoy and tell me what you thought!
Poetry: Life - Rated: K+ - English - Spiritual - Chapters: 1 - Words: 151 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 4/4/2010 - Complete
Pretend reviews
Why won’t you make me feel? Like I’m the only one? Why is everything a struggle? An everlasting fight?
Poetry: Song - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 388 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Published: 3/7/2010 - Complete
Summer Rain reviews
It is cool, but it is also hot. It is wet, but it is also sweaty.
Poetry: Nature - Rated: K+ - English - Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 128 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 2/27/2010 - Complete
Black Book reviews
This story is funny, out of the ordinary, totally random and awesome. Read it for the fun! Btw I am not continuing so... yeah! Read and review pretty please! Even negative comments anonymous are always welcome.. love you my fellow writers!
Fiction: Young Adult - Rated: M - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 11 - Words: 10,758 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Updated: 2/25/2010 - Published: 2/3/2010 - Complete
Sweet reviews
Tears streamed down my cheeks, but it wasn’t tears. It was… blood.
Poetry: Fantasy - Rated: T - English - Horror/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 219 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 2/20/2010 - Complete
Feel reviews
It may exist in his world... but I'm already gone.
Poetry: Life - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 224 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 2/7/2010 - Complete
Hero reviews
My version of the song; Hero, by Enrique Iglasias. Read and enjoy!
Poetry: Song - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 189 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 2/7/2010 - Complete
Soar
A girl with the gift of writing... will she be accepted? This is a short story, so just read it for the fun! And review please!
Fiction: Young Adult - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 877 - Published: 2/3/2010 - Complete
Home reviews
Yet again, another random poem. It's relates to my personal life, feelings, etc.. Read and review please!
Poetry: Love - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 149 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 12/9/2009 - Complete
The NonPerfect Life Of Me
The first chapter is unfinished because I am still wondering if I should continue... please give me your thoughts. ReadxReview pretty please!
Fiction: Young Adult - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,210 - Published: 12/2/2009
I Miss You reviews
Just another random poem.. reeeaaad and reviewwww!
Poetry: Love - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 186 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 12/2/2009 - Complete
Bittersweet Sixteen reviews
So here's my 1st fic! I let my friend read this first, and she loved it. I decided to put it on here then, so please check it out! Reeaaaddd & revieeeooo. Please I beg you! Enjoy, will update soon! Rated M for in case, hot scenes in the future, no lemons.
Fiction: Young Adult - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 19,946 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 6/13/2009 - Published: 5/25/2009
Bleeding Love reviews
So this popped into my mind the other day, and I wrote it down. Please read%review. It's kinda tragic and sad... dunno if I should maybe write a second version? You guyz tell me!
Poetry: Love - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 396 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 6/3/2009 - Complete