I MADE IT INTO ST. AGNES ACADEMY!! WOOHOO!! - Hilarious Story of the Day - Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama." The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house." The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600." The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read it anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it." The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway." "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks." "Michael, you give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost myhearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same." "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you."

- Never Say Never - "Never insult seven men if you're only carrying a six-shooter." Harry Morgan "Never judge a man by the opinion his wife has of him." Bob Edwards "Never put off till tomorrow what you can get someone else to do today." Douglas Ottati "Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow." Mark Twain "Never put off until tomorrow what can be avoided altogether." Ann Landers "Never take a job where the boss calls you 'Babe.'" Brett butler "Never trust a man who has only one way to spell a word." Dan Quayle, quoting Mark Twain

- Quotes - Last night I was looking at the stars and then I wondered, where the hell is my ceiling? You laugh because I’m different, I laugh because you’re all the same. Money and looks aren’t everything... but it’s all I got! Everyone’s entitled to be stupid, but you’re abusing the privilege. Did you fall down the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down? What a shame – looks like the ugly fairy kissed you on both cheeks! You’d be pretty good looking if it wasn’t for your face. Doctors say I have multiple personalities - but we don't agree with that. They say that a right kind of person will come along - I think a truck hit mine. I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth. If you don't like the way I drive - stay off the sidewalk. Well there’s your lesson for today children, and don’t forget to look both ways before crossing the street. Oh yeah, and hold hands. It gives the cars more targets. If at first you don’t succeed, Skydiving is not for you. I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train. I have very simple tastes. I am only satisfied with the very best. The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget, The more you forget, the less you know So. Why learn. "Anger is only one letter short of danger." "Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art." "Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.” "If you love someone put their name in a circle not a heart, a heart can be broken but a circle goes on forever." "I ran up the door, closed the stairs, said my pajamas, and put on my prayers. Turned off the bed, and hopped into the light, all because you kissed me good night." "A Person Who Asks A Question Is A Fool For Five Minutes, A Person Who Doesn't Is A Fool Forever..." "It's better to let someone think you are an idiot than to open your mouth and prove it." "Never start frowning because you never know who's falling in love with your smile." "One day your prince will come, mine just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask for directions." "Only little boys who call themselves men say I love you, and don't mean it." "Just 'cause you can make me come doesn't make you fucking Jesus." Tori Amos "Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something." Plato "I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark." Dick Gregory "If you have a job with no aggravations, you don't have a job." Malcolm Forbes "Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever." Napolean "Do not needlessly endanger your lives... until I give you the signal." president Dwight D. Eisenhower. "The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder." Alfred Hitchcock "It is perfectly American to be wrong." Newt Gingrich "There they are-- See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Evil." Bob Dole, on a gathering of ex-presidents Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, and Richard Nixon "Go away." Barcelona travel agency "Wise men don't need advice. Fools don't take it." Benjamin Franklin. "Always obey your superiors. If you have any." Mark Twain "Life is a sh--sandwich. But if you've got enough bread, you can't taste the sh--." Jonathan Winters "It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than ugly." Oscar Wilde "It is fatal to look hungry. It makes people want to kick you." George Orwell "I always advice people never to give advice." P.G. Wodehouse "I Came. I Saw. I Conquered." Julius Ceasar "Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them."--Sticker "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." "They were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Naturally, they became heroes."--Leia Organa of Alderaan, Senator "Cynicism is not realistic and tough. It's unrealistic and kind of cowardly because it means you don't have to try."--Peggy Noonan "In the absence of a decent time machine, fiction remains the most sturdy vehicle for visiting other eras."--Tom Nolan "You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it."--Robin Williams "Your future depends on your dreams So go to sleep." "Money is not everything There's MasterCard & Visa." "I'm not into working out. My philosophy [is: No pain, no pain." Carol Leifer(Found this off of Sea Chelle's Profile, just to let you know! ^_^) "Man has made use of his intelligence, he invented stupidity." Remy De Gourmant(Ditto from the first quote above this one) "If there is a supreme being, he's crazy." Marlene Dietrich "Hard work never killed anybody" But why take the risk!" "Not everyone can be heroes, some people have to be those sitting on the sidewalks clapping as they go by." - not sure who said this "A university professor set an examination question in which he asked what is the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had to give an A+ to a student who answered: I don't know and I don't care." Richard Pratt, Pacific Computer Weekly, 20 July 1990 "Superstitions are habits rather than beliefs." Marlene Dietrich "Detestment is the highest most involuntary type of homage from the low." "Never trust a man who keeps a handkerchief in his loincloth." 0_0 Inside Joke - "Knowledge is power. And I love Power. Just like Granddaddy!"

- Film Quotes - Young Eddie: "He don't look so tough to me." Cowboy: "If he ain't so tough, there's been an awful lot of sudden natural deaths in his vicinity." The Gunfighter (1950) "Sonny, I can see we ain't going to have you 'round long enough to get tired of your company." Richard Widmark, The Law and Jake Wade (1958) Cowboy: "For a long time I was ashamed of the way I lived." Dance hall girl: "You mean to say you reformed?" Cowboy: "No, I got over being ashamed." Goin' to Town (1935) Flect McCloud(Roy Rogers): "Ever hear what William Shakespeare said? 'All's well that ends well." Cowboy Bob Seton(John Wayne): "Shakespeare, huh? He must have come from Texas. We've been saying that for years." The Dark Command (1940) Trampas: "When I want to know anything from you, I'll tell you, you long-legged son of a--" "The Virginian": "If you want to call me that, smile." The Virginian (1929) Sheriff Bullock: "How is he, Doc?" Doc: "Well, he suffered lacerations, contusions, and a concussion. His jugular vein was severed in three places. I counted four broken ribs and a compound fracture of the skull. To put it briefly, he's real dead." Rancho Notorious (1952)

- Bumper Sticker Quotes - I may be fat but you're ugly - I can loose weight! My child beat up your honor student! I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling, like the passengers in his car. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. Horn broken. Watch for finger. He who laughs last thinks slowest I love cats... they taste just like chicken. No radio--already stolen. I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it. Give me ambiguity... or give me something else. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse There are three kinds of people: those who can count... and those who can't. i suuport publik edekashun Make it idiot-proof and some- one will make a better idiot. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you. So many lawyers, so few bullets.

- Two good excuses for sleeping on the job - "They told me at the blood bank this might happen!" "Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."

~*~ See my real works at: http://www.fanfiction.net/profile.php?userid=67564

~*~*~*~ READ THIS TOO!!! I've visited a hilarious Professor Snape site, you've got to see it!! It's this comic thing with pictures, with Snape becoming a part time pre-school teacher! IT'S HILARIOUS!! I SERIOUSLY SUGGEST IT! Here's the link: http:///theater/1.htm ~*~*~

I'm on the favorite list of TWENTY-SEVEN MEMBERS!! THAT'S AMAZING!! That seriously came as a shock to me!! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY AM I!! =^._.^=