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Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator!

I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

teachers are like slinkys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Be a loser! Because being cool is so overrated!

It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?

They say, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.

"I know water doesn't bite! What a stupid thing to say! Water doesn't have to bite you! You drown in it you moron!" -Stewie Griffin

"You know, I do not think that means what you think it means." Inigo Montoyez

Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day but set the man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

It's all fun and games until the other person loses their sanity.

I'm not insane... i just do whatever the voices tell me to.

Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over.

Don't hate yourself in the morning-sleep till noon.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

Apparently 1 in 5 people are Chinese; there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. it's ether my mom or dad, or my older brother Collin, or my younger brother Ho-chan-chu, but I think it's Colin.

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

Why is it that some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

It is wise to walk a mile in a man's shoes before judging him... That way you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

"If you are good you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good you will get out of it."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking."

"Sometimes you're the windshield, but sometimes you gotta be the bug."

"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear into my crib."

"Always listen to experts- they'll tell you confidently what can't be done and why. Then go ahead and do it."

"After all is said and done a heck of a lot more is said than done."

"At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote."

"Happiness is your dentist telling you “it won't hurt a bit,” and then he catches his hand in the drill."

"The good news is that you may have screwed up my past and created my present but you have no control over my future."

Let's play truth or dare! Or maybe just dare, because nobody seems to tell the truth anymore.

"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography.

Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

Those who fail history class are doomed to repeat it.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.

Write only if you cannot live without writing. Write only what you alone can write.

You can't wait for inspiration; you have to go after it with a club.

You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.

The act of writing is the act of discovering what you believe.

Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it thinks about dogs.

My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

The buddy system is essential to survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

SARCASM is just another free service I offer.

I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.

I'm not ALWAYS late. Sometimes I just don't show up.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Education is important; school however, is another matter.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.

Don't follow in my footsteps; I tend to walk into walls.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS!

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Trying is the first step toward failure.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt”?

Dream big dreams, because little dreams have no magic.

Ooooo...a life. Where can I download one?

I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?

Forgiveness is the scent a rose leaves on the heel that crushes it.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?

"The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide."

"Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that."

“I am sick of people having a near death experience and saying they saw the light. You know what the paramedics do when they first arrive? THEY SHINE A LIGHT IN YOUR EYE! That’s not GOD…it’s a MAGLIGHT!” ~Tony V.

Fake is the new trend. I guess everyone’s in style.

So what I’ve got a smile on, but it’s hiding the quiet superstitions in my head.

Yes I may be smiling, but I’m secretly laughing at your face.

I didn’t say that it was your fault…I said I was going to blame you.

I'm the person your mother warned you about.

If you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing.

I hear voices, and they don't like you.

Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?

Do not disturb I’m disturbed enough already

- If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. ~ Paul Beatly

- The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. ~ George Jessel

- Sarcasm is anger with a smile ~ Natalie Hyde

Man invented language to satisfy his need to complain ~ Lily Tomlin

- Stupidity killed the cat. Curiousity was framed.

I'm the kind of person who laughs at a joke three times. Once when it's said, once when it's explained to me, once five minutes later when I finally get it.

- When I was younger, I hated going to weddings cause all the grandmothers would say, "Your next!" That quickly ended when I started saying that to them at funerals.

Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?

Keep your mouth shut and people will think you're stupid;
Open it and you'll remove all doubt.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
there is nothing in it.

Lewis's Law of Travel:
The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Always remember that you are unique, just like everyone else.

Life is wonderful. Without it, you wouldn't know me.

Paranoia: A healthy understanding of the nature of the universe.

Marriage is grand - and divorce is about 10 grand.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Earth is full. Go home.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. Complaining is good for you as long as you're not complaining to the person you're complaining about.

Bite off more than you can chew, then chew it.

The most successful people are those who are good at plan B.

Attitudes are contagious. Are yours worth catching?

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ...

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."

There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."

"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world,"

"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah."

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."

A sane mind is a boring one.

I admit I'm insane, but at least I'm at a normal level.

"Is the glass half empty or half full?" "Depends. Was it filled to be half full or drunk to be half empty?"

Repost this story if it touches your heart~

I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a Cashier hand this little boy some money back. The boy couldn't have been more than 5 or 6 years old. The cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."

Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?''

The old lady replied: ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.'' Then she asked him to stay there for just 5 minutes while she went to look a round. She left quickly.

The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to. "It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her."

I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.

But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there." His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.''

My heart nearly stopped.

The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall." Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me. I love my mommy and I wish she doesn't have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister."

Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy, "Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?''

"Okay," he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to his with out him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!" Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give it to my sister. He heard me! I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose. My mommy loves white roses."

A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket.

I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind. Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl. The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.

Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news paper that the young woman had passed away.

I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial. She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.

I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed for ever. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.

And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him