flava ignis
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Joined 08-12-10, id: 739493, Profile Updated: 08-26-10
Author has written 1 story for Humor.

hey peeps! My pen name is in Latin, look it up yourself! i love funny stuff, I'm sort of funny myself, but I don't realize it until I've said it, so here's lots o' quotes! (as I said, they are quotes so I didn't say them or think them!) BUT the ones in bold I came up with! and i update my quotes so check in a lot. Sorry if I don't make sense. I do that a lot. I'm also fluent in Pig Latin. Don't ask. It involves tricking the boys in my class that there is a special Girl Language.

Funny Quotes

It proves that you are a worthless, conceited human being whose brain is so big it could fit inside a peanut shell, and there'd still be room for the peanut!

When life hands you lemons, squirt the juice in your enemy's eyes.

When in doubt, go to the library!

What doesn't kill you usually succeeds in the second attempt.

Parents spend the first half of your life teaching you to walk and talk, and the other half telling you to sit down and shut up.

Smile. It makes people wonder what you’re up to.

"Help! I've fallen and I can't -- Hey! Nice carpet!"

There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people.

My imaginary friend thinks you have issues.

When I am at Hogwarts, I will not ask Harry if his Scar Senses are tingling.

Act your age, not your shoe size.

I'm not afraid of death. What's it gonna to do? Kill me?

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, and only 4 to reach out and slap someone

When life hands you lemons, make grape juice, sit back, and watch the world wonder how you did it.

If you can't beat them, join them. If you can't join them, sue them, and then rub it in their faces.

Before you insult someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do insult them, you are a mile away and you have their shoes

Rules are like paperclips. Meant to hold things together, fun to bend, and easy to twist out of shape.

A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. A best friend will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
A good friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you. A best friend will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."
A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb butt?"
A good friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.
A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A best friend will hand you a Kleenex and ask you “Who do I have to kill?”
A good friend will offer you a soda. A best friend will dump theirs on you.
A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A best friend takes yours and says, "Run - girl - run!"
A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"
A good friend convinces you not to jump off the cliff. A best friend hugs you "Goodbye, I'll miss you. Can I have your I-pod?"

My mind works like lightning...one flash and then it's gone.

Excuse me. Have you seen my mind? I think I've lost it...

Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

He: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
She: Nothing. I can't laugh and talk at the same time.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them nearly as much.

Professor Dumbledore … should be referred to as ‘Professor’, ‘Headmaster’ or ‘Sir’, not ‘Dude’, ‘My Leige’ or ‘Tim the Enchanter’.

Ginny Weasley … wants her Hogwarts toilet seat.

Fred Weasley … knows if he and his twin giggle at an idea for more than fifteen seconds, they may assume that it’s against the rules and therefore should not carry it out.

George Weasley … knows he and his twin will carry it out and are not remotely sorry.

Lily Evans … swears she is not in love with James Potter.

James Potter … doesn’t believe her.

Sirius Black … was killed by drapery.

Gryffindors … will jump off a cliff.

Slytherins … will push someone else off.

Hufflepuffs… will call five hundred others and build a staircase.

Ravenclaws … will get hold of a flying carpet.

I love you like a fat boy loves cake.

Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable

Boys are like skateboards, they can go fast but usually there pretty slow.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just my opinion that your opinion is stupid.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

There is stupid coming out of your mouth hole again.

When you’re down I may not be able to pick you back up, but I promise I’ll be willing to lay down right next to you.

Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies

They say that guns don’t kill people. People kill people. But I highly doubt that if a person ran up to someone and yelled "BANG!" that anyone would die. No, I think guns help...

ADHD is Automatic Death by Hyperness Disorder.

You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

I smile because I have no idea what’s going on

Dear Heart, I met a boy today, prepare to shatter.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

What would happen if the whole world farted at once?

On a scale of one to awesome, that was purple.

HA! VERNON IN A SUIT? HA HA HA HA! HE'LL NEED A CUSTOM MADE ONE! HA HA HA HA HA ah Ah AHH AHHHHHH CHOKING ON ONESELF'S OWN LAUGHTER…. Cough….splutter… dying here….OK. I'm good now. HA!

We were talking - as most sane people do

I would have so laughed in my own face.

I swear, if Mindy had as many brains as she did make-up sets, she would be the next Minister for Magic.

A year before I would have turned around and smacked James in the face

"Yeah," he said, "and now you know and think I'm incredibly lame."

"Oh no, James," she said, placing her other hand on top of his, "I always thought you were incredibly lame."

Boys can make fools of themselves pretty easily, but when you add a girl into the equation, it gets extremely messy.

A look that could make even Voldemort scream running like a little girl; he considered doing the same himself.

Harry stares up at the intruder bemused; the intruder is pointing a stick at him.

I can't believe it. I am actually falling for James-freaking-Potter. I know this is a bit of a blunt delivery but it's true. IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!

Yeah! Get together already so baby Harry is born and we can have good books to read!

Why does the voice in my head sound like my mother?

Good lord boy and they told me you were intelligent!

Whoeversaid nothing was impossible, probably never tried slamming a revolving door. Or dribbling a football.

It takes skill to trip on a flat surface.

You're my best friend, but if the zombies were chasing us… I'd trip you.

Only my friends know what I can do with a dull object.

Friends try to get you out of trouble but a best friend is right there in detention next to you saying "so worth it."

Boys have feelings too. . . But who cares?

Minerva McGonagall was probably the only person in the world who could look that frightening through a face full of dripping banana,includingVoldemort himself.

ooh theres love seats for me to sit and kiss Lily on, there's a desk which I can kiss Lily on as well, and there's a bookshelf in which Lily will grab a book and hit me when I try to kiss her. This is going to be a great year!

If there was ever a person who could ruin a moment it's Sirius Black

Jeez he just got practically mauled by dozens of cats and he still looks like he found the cure to cancer. Bloody git.

If I wasn't trying so hard to stay alive I would've strangled Black right then. And by the look on James' face, he was thinking the same.

After a few minutes of wallowing and licking his wounds, Black bounded up as hyper as ever. Dear God, he must be on happy pills.

I attempted to resist the urge to smack him…and failed.

Mom wouldn’t care about these things if she didn’t keep finding out about them

I command you to…Crap your pants!

Me: The class Voldemort took is avada kadavra 101

Sissy: “what did he get? An O? (Outstanding, the best) No! He got a T!(Troll, the worst)The conversation: Bellatrix: “Oh Voldie! What grade did you get?” Voldemort: “Oh! A T!” Bellatrix: an O! Grea- Oh! You said you got a T!”

James couldn't stop thinking about who this mystery man was Lily was dreaming about-and how the hell could he get a subscription into her dreams?

Seven years with that rude boy. Oh, the joy.

When life hands you lemons, keep them, because hey, free lemons

People should not be sucking face in the middle of the common room!

Merlin's bloody underwear sized 32!

What floats in water?

A) Apples

B) Bread

C) Small rocks

D) Duck

Ad: You have one crush in your area! Find out who likes you!
me: You don’t know me!

I have not begun to procrastinate

Zombie: eat flesh

Zombies hate fast food

Selecting Potter for Head Boy is like giving Voldemort the Magical Peace prize!

Well, you seemed too busy to call him a prat, and I thought someone should

with his nose pressed against our living room window, and he still can't find us unless our Secret Keeper betrays the secret.

Emmy, if that's you, I don't want to talk about it. If it's Remus, leave me alone, I'll see at patrol. If it's Alice, go find Frank, he's probably suffering withdrawal from your absence. If it's Frank, go find Alice for the same reason. If it's Frank and Alice, both of you leave and if I catch you kissing I'll hurl this book at you. If it's, God forbid, Sirius, no, I am not PMSing.

Christina's match stick had decided to grow legs and tap dance across her desk.

How many Ravenclaws does it take to light a wand? Twenty. Five running around the library to find the most efficient way, three to inform the professors of what they’re doing so they can take the credit, six to test out the spell to make sure it’s safe, one to actually do the spell, and another three to point out how I miscounted the number of them.

How many Gryffindors does it take to light a wand? None. Gryffindors aren’t scared of the dark!

How many Slytherins does it take to light a wand? None. They’ll make the Ravenclaws do it for them.

How many Hufflepuffs does it take to light a wand? Two. One to lean the spell and teach it to the other guy, and one to do the spell.

Right, and I own a pair of authentic Merlin underpants, care to share anymore blatant lies?

"A peacock!" cried Sirius, "'Cause I'm pretty."

I majored in vacation

Warning: do not read this quote

If I can’t be an example, I’ll be a warning

Consider this a warning

I told you to keep an eye on them, not turn them into the cast of Grease!

My show makes it look like the captain of the Titanic has won the lottery

the marauders code:
Number Ten: A Marauder must vow that if ever he crosses paths with Voldemort, he must find Peter and get him to tell Voldy his joke about the hag and the warlock...said Dark Lord is sure to die of boredom by the time it is finished!

In Sirius’s mind, if he couldn’t sleep, someone else shouldn’t be allowed to sleep either

Thirteen years later, as the Dark Lord looked into those green eyes, he would realize that Harry Potter wasn't going anywhere without a fight.

MERLIN'S PINK PANTS!

You don’t need hands to kick someone in the face

by the Royal Queen's Decree of 'Get the Hell Out of Here', I must ask you to leave

What in the name of Merlin's saggy left arse?

Narcissa Black was the hot one with blonde hair; Luscious is her boyfriend

mum forced me to be made of honor

9 Things I Hate

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where’s yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off the couch to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

5. When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?' No Loser, I paid 12.50 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say 'life is short'. Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?' If the bus came would I still be standing here? I don't think so.

-Neville needs a Remembrall not because he has a poor memory, but merely because he accomplishes too much to remember.
-Neville Longbottom doesn't bow to hippogriffs. Hippogriffs bow to Neville Longbottom.
-Not to be outdone, after Mrs. Weasley took out Bellatrix, Neville brought her back to life and killed her again.
-Professor Quirrel didn't have to fake his stammer in Neville's presence.
-Neville became Head Boy AND Girl. No one dared comment.
-Neville Longbottom is what's beyond the veil.
-Before Neville punched it, it was known as Horizontal Alley.
-Neville uses Nagini's blood as soy sauce.
-Muggles don't know about Lord Voldemort, but they do know about Neville Longbottom.
-Chuck Norris' boggart is Neville Longbottom.
-Neville's patronus is Neville, because nothing else is bad enough to represent him.
-Neville Longbottom is the reason that the Cauldron is Leaky.

-If someone replaced the Mirror of Erised with a picture of Neville Longbottom, no one would notice.

-Cho Chang wasn't crying because she missed Cedric. She was crying because she was with Harry, and not Neville.

-They said Dumbledore was the only man Voldemort was afraid of. They lied.
-They were going to release a Neville Longbottom edition of clue but the answer always turned out to be "Neville Longbottom, in the courtyard with a sword."
-Neville Longbottom created the Department of Mysteries when he got bored with making every darn discovery.
-Neville Longbottom cut off the Hog's Head. He was just practicing for Nagini.
-Voldemort did not choose Harry over Neville because he thought Neville to be weaker, but because it would be downgrading him. Neville doesn't like to be downgraded.

Chuck Norris is the only one to know a boggart’s true form. He isn’t scared of anything

Vernon Dursley was one huge whale. Oops, did she say whale? She meant man

Peeta and Katniss’ couple name is Penis or Katpee. Do you really want to be in that relationship?

I don’t get boy’s sleeping bags. What is the diff? I’m not seeing a Penis Pocket anywhere!

Now, you're going to listen to me," I told him and he looked at me fearfully, "You will never mention this again. If you do, I'm going to grab those little round objects you call your nuts and when we're back in our own bodies, I'm going to twist them off slowly and the scream that's going to emerge from your mouth is going to be so loud that people at Hogsmeade are going to hear it and run screaming away because of the terror and fear that single scream contained…

Everything a boy can do, a girl can do better

They're idiots, they're slime, they're the slime on the slime on the Giant Squid." She paused and caught her breath.

WHAT IN THE NAME OF MERLIN'S BLOODY HOUSE ELF ARE YOU SAYING?

“Cupid called. He said he needs my heart back."

"Your town called. They want their idiot back." Rejection number 280.

Screw the fact that she was a witch. This was pure magic.

Do you mean Bella or Bellatrix? Because Bella's like 'I love you, Edward' and Bellatrix is all 'Screw this. Avada Kedavra, bitch!

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