MadameCardui
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Joined 09-02-10, id: 742489, Profile Updated: 11-29-10
Author has written 1 story for Fantasy.

Be prepared. I'm about to complain about everything.


Why I shall/shall not read your story.

Firstly: There is a wrong way and a right way to concoct a summary.

I personally cannot stand rhetorical questions in summaries, they are entirely without rhetoric. Have you ever wondered what would happen if you adopted a dog and it ate your hand and that gave it magical powers which blew up the world? No? Okay then, don't read this story. What a stupid question: nobody has ever considered that because it's pointless. And I imagine not much would happen after that if the dog blew up the world anyway. It's pretty much a giveaway. Which leads me onto the question 'will she stay an ice queen forever, or will she succumb to her feelings for him?' Let's be honest, by saying that you've indicated the high chance that she WILL end up with him by the end of the story.

'sry im rubbish at sumaries' - Yes. Yes you are. To start with, don't say that. Also, spelling, grammar and punctuation. It doesn't have to be an emotive work of art in a paragraph, something sketching the beginning of the plot would be really nice in a lot of cases. Don't overcomplicate it and don't weep when nobody reads your story. If you've got too much of a desire to have a readership you need to ensure you don't have severe histrionic personality disorder. I'm writing this right now with the expectation that nobody will read the whole thing, or even part of it possibly.

Thanks for telling me your story is slash fiction. It's better to forewarn people, I truly appreciate it.

Secondly: I may dispose of a story from the respected space of my web browser for a variety of reasons.

I don't like stories which name drop. If your story mentions too many designer brands I'll abandon it like a hot coal, because those stories are invariably irritating. She could be wearing Louis Vuitton shoes or Christian Louboutins, but to a lot of people it does not matter either way and it's perfect if you want your story to look dated quickly. Real celebrities are against the FP rules to write into a story, and why the heck would you include someone real and alive anyway?

I don't like a lot of female characters, either. How do people read pages of Bella Swan's mind? So many female characters whine and bitch and get jealous all the time, GOSH it's so ANNOYING. My favourite female character is Valkyrie Cain from the Skulduggery Pleasant books (which I ought to be too old to read) because she's down to earth and likeable, not insecure, constantly second-guessing and reevaluating whether everybody fancies her, argumentative and crazy-manipulative. They just don't make them like that any more. They really don't.

I'm English. There's undoubtedly a little flag above and a statement attesting to the fact. I quite like being English, but I often do not like stories written by Americans about England. I mean no offence to the Americans, I did in fact read an American's story with a charmingly written English character. But really, there are a lot of absurd things being written out there. I am often foxed by the use of the word 'British' in conjunction with a character's accent. What sort of British accent would that be? Geordie? Northern Irish? Scottish? Welsh? Yorkshire? Cockney? Somerset farmer or Hampshire gentry? Also, I've just started wondering to myself if many Americans know what a chav is. Do they have chavs in America?

On the subject of characterisation, your protagonist has just lost their entire family, discovered they have magical powers and made a new friend. Which of these has the most influence on their mood? None of the above? Are they more concerned about what they're having for breakfast? Then the character is probably abysmally written. Read some Jane Austen or J. K. Rowling or Stella Gibbons for real insight into what people are like (don't read Twilight.)

How annoying are badly written children? The are REALLY annoying. You know the ones, supposed to be about ten but they act like pathetic, massive-eyed imbeciles who can't talk. I'm sure these authors must have talked to a kid at some stage. They're not all sunshine and daisies, they may be cute to look at but some of them are crazy little psychos who like comic violence and being tomboys. They're often entertaining, occasionally horrible and some amateur authors clearly think they're furry little semi-sentient pets.

Get the writing right, people! Don't use 'defiantly' when you mean 'definitely'. Don't use 'could care less' when you actually 'could NOT care less' and for goodness sake, Do Not mix ' your ' and ' you're '. I hate reading stories and leaving a review about how awful the writing quality is because I feel mean, but I'm too much of a perfectionist to find a story fluid with constant mistakes like that. It's especially dire when the main character is supposed to be really really clever and yet the story is peppered with mistakes. It's so easy to find a proofreader - you can usually get a word processor to do it for you at least.

Cliché is a noun. It is not an adjective, it is a noun. It is not a verb, it is a noun. A noun. It is a noun and it should be treated as a noun.

Another pet peeve, while I'm on the subject (as I do indeed seem to be) is nudity scenes. Not M rated, although to be honest I think there's generally poorer writing quality in M rated stories (it's just a general rule, but it's not universal. Some are well written, but I pretty much always keep away from M rated because if there's one thing worse than a sex scene, it's a badly written sex scene). By nudity scenes I mean the parts with little or no clothing where girl steps out of shower, boy sees her in towel, she's embarrassed, he's embarrassed, but at the same time he completely has the hots for her. I don't understand why so many romances feel the need for him to see the goods before they go out. Bizarre. Truly, truly bizarre.

On the topic of comic violence, I don't like stories where men being kicked in the groin is supposed to be funny. The same goes for people being knocked out. People die from both of those things, so by all means have them in a story but it isn't funny and it really winds me up when an author expects me to laugh at that. Not clever.

Twilight. I don't like it; it is my personal opinion so if anybody is actually reading this and disagrees, don't send me hate mail. By all means tell me why I am wrong (I'm about to set out reasons in a second) but don't hate mail me.

1. It is scientifically tearjerking. Firstly, for reasons physiological and genetic, Edward and Bella should not be able to produce progeny (by that I mean their child with a name I dislike) and even if they could then aforementioned progeny would not have twenty four chromosomes, I quote iGenetics, a Molecular Approach 3rd edition by Peter J. Russell with '...monosomic embryos do not develop significantly and are lost early in pregnancy.'

2. The characters are fickle and capricious, and none of them have an ounce of common sense. There's usually somebody in a population with common sense.

3. I think the prose is learned rather than inspired. Read Robin McKinley, now that's inspired prose.

4. The plot is boring and annoying. I am grateful, however, that Twilight has lead to the continuing assessment of Dan on sparknotes. Read it, it's funny.

Also, just read an individual's contribution to fictionpress: 'Not that stupid to do the same thing at once' ~ Is it just my imagination or is that an awfully confusing statement?

Nicolais by Lady Loor reviews
A narcoleptic and a self-proclaimed villain, Nicolais has no idea how to take over the kingdom that his brutal father once coveted. Kidnapping the heiress to the throne seemed like a wise idea at the time...
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 28 - Words: 56 - Reviews: 102 - Favs: 36 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 10/16/2010 - Published: 9/9/2010 - Complete
Choices and second chances
Oneshot. Cinderella had both slippers back, and now the only thing standing between her and her stepsisters' future was Madame Du Verdigris. By this point her Godmother was quite happy to stand to the side and watch.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,784 - Published: 9/8/2010 - Complete
Pinkamoo (49)