Author has written 1 story for Humor.
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1. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
2. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
3. "Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams
4. When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
5. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
6. Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
7. After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
8. Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
9. "Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
10. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
11. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
12. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
13. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown
14. I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!
15. How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost?
16. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
17. When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
18. Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
19. The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
20. What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
21. There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
22. Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
23. If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
24. What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
25. Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Jokes from the Net:
(Handpicked for you to enjoy. :D)
1. I’d noticed that my 60-year-old father seemed to be losing his hearing, so I mentioned it to my mother.
"Things haven’t changed that much," she said. "Only difference is, before, he didn’t listen. Now, he can’t."
2. An out-of-town fellow pilot missed a turn to his gate at LaGuardia Airport in New York, a harmless mistake that nonetheless ruffles the feathers of the ground controllers. I heard one of the controllers, a woman, holler through the radio, "Where do you think you're going?" She followed with a torrent of harshly worded instructions.
Then came a third voice. "Hey," an unidentified pilot remarked, "wasn't I married to you once?"
3. I got stuck in a traffic jam while commuting into Los Angeles one day. The woman in the SUV in front of me took full advantage of the slowdown. She whipped out her eyebrow pencil, lip gloss and a mirror, applying the finishing touches on her face in the ten minutes it took us to creep through the Cahuenga Pass. Finally, the traffic broke up and as she zoomed away, I caught a glimpse of her vehicle's license plate: NTRL BTY.
4. After browsing the restaurant menu, I had a question for the waitress. "About the salmon entrée, is that a steak or a fillet?"
"Neither," she said. "It's a fish."
5. I was working as a short-order cook at two restaurants in the same neighborhood. On a Saturday night, I was finishing up the dinner shift at one restaurant and hurrying to report to work at the second place. But I was delayed because one table kept sending back an order of hash browns, insisting they were too cold. I replaced them several times, but still the customers were dissatisfied. When I was able to leave, I raced out the door and arrived at my second job. A server immediately handed me my first order. "Make sure these hash browns are hot," she said, "because these people just left a restaurant down the street that kept serving them cold ones."
6. My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up, and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about 1,500 at a given time.
Just then a man in the back raised his hand. "I'm not trying to be disrespectful," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about 5,000 in it."
7. My musical director wasn't happy with the performance of one of our percussionists. Repeated attempts to get the drummer to improve failed. Finally, in front of the orchestra, the director said in frustration, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument, they take it away, give him two sticks and make him a drummer!"
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
8. My husband and I are both in an Internet business, but he's the one who truly lives, eats and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching his back one day. "No, not there," he directed. "Scroll down."
9. There were three fathers-to-be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of twins!" He says, “Great! I am the manager for the Minnesota Twins.”
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of triplets”! He says, "That's cool! I work for 3M."
The third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, “Where's the third father?"
One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.”
The nurse asks, "Why?"
He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"
10. A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."
11. Two blondes were going to the mall. When they got out of the car, they started tossing the car keys back and forth. One of the blondes missed, and the keys flew into the sewer drainpipe.
The other blonde tried to reach it but couldn't. So, she called a locksmith, and a cop. When the two got there, the blondes explained what happened, then the cop tried to reach the keys but couldn't.
Finally the locksmith opened the door. The blonde that missed the keys in the first place said,"Whew... for a second there I thought we might have needed to use the SPARE key." ;)
12. One day a blonde office worker comes out to the warehouse to walk around. As she is walking she looks up and sees a co-worker hanging upside down from an I-Beam in the ceiling.
She asks "What ARE you doing"?
The co-worker says "I need a few days off but the boss won't let me have them so I'm hanging upside down from this I-Beam acting crazy.
The boss will see me, think I need rest and send me home for a few days".
The blonde says "That won't work...uh ohh...here comes the boss now, you're in for it".
The boss spots the blonde looking up and sees the man hanging up there and asks him "Just WHAT do you think you are DOING?!"
The man says (in a "crazy" voice) I'm a light bulb...I'm a light bulb"
The boss says "Buddy, you need some rest..take the rest of today and tomorrow off and get some sleep".
As he is climbing down he winks at the blonde showing her it worked.
The blonde thinks about this for a moment and starts to follow the man out the door.
The boss asks her "WHERE do you think YOU'RE going?"
The blonde says "I can't work in the dark".
I'll add more next time! :D
Luna Carn (18)