Author has written 20 stories for Romance, Love, Humor, and Historical.
I SHALL RULE THE WORLD!!!
This account is, for all intents and purposes, inactive. I haven't actually published anything worthwhile in months, and all that's left are horribly done stories with Mary Sues.
I have little intention to fix these, EVER, simply because I'm too lazy. School takes first priority. (9/19/2012)
I have decided to take mercy on you people with no imagination whatsoever, and for a select few of my stories I have provided you with images of what the characters look like.
Some Story Characters: (I do not own any pictures, I found them using Google Images search.)
In A Heartbeat/Silent Heart:
Not The Average Girl:
I have several rules of Life:
1. If you take a picture of something cute when it's sleeping, it invariably wakes up.
These rules apply to EVERYONE.
Rose: Do you love him, Loretta?
"No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying." - Unknown
"I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." - Rita Rudner
"Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for." - Mae West
"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" - Unknown
"If the pen is mightier than the sword, why do actions speak louder than words?" -MYSELF!!
"My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there." - Carrie Fisher
"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down." - Woody Allen, Love and Death
Warning: Trespassers will be shot. Warning: Survivors will be shot again.
None of that sissy crap. Are you tired of those 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of truths to our friendship.
1. When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard.
2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared, I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused, I will use little words.
7. When you are sick, stay the heck away from me until you are well. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. When you are told "well you deserve better" by others, I will be prank calling him saying "you will die in seven days".
This is my oath. I pledge it until the end. "Why?" you may ask. Because you are my friend. Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can truly feel its warmth.
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college-ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in two seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose Rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper, I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you!"
A white man enters a bar and sees a black man sitting on a stool. The white man says, "Colored people are not allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up.
He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... Post this on your profile if you hate racism...
Want to know something scary about me? I actually understand crazy logic and illogicy... >.> I have a gift for understanding completely illogical things-- particularly if they're written down, not said.
I love listening to love songs. For instance, Kiss Me by New Found Glory, Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade, Whiskey Lullabyby Brad Paisley and Allison Kraus, etc. I can't do heavy metal stuff. -_-
Please, love me, love my stories. :3
This is what one of my adult friends sent me VIA email one day... too funny NOT to share, in my opinion...
Yesterday I was at my local Sam's Club buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Sam's Clubwon't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people! They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Now, for the things that really got to me emotionally. I dunno whether to be happy or sad.
If this doesn't give you goosebumps, I don't know what will.
A teenage girl about 17 named Diane had gone to visit some friends one evening,and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year. She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town, and she lived only a few blocks away.
As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger. When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it. However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her. She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection. Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her. When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.
The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there. Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep. Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station. She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story. The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him. She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before. When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed. The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her. She asked if they would ask the man one question. Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her. When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her." Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won't repost it?
Tommy and Ami were on a motorcycle, speeding down a road.
Ami: Slow down, I'm scared!
Tommy: No, this is fun!
Ami: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.
Tommy: Then tell me you love me.
Ami: I love you, now slow down!
Tommy: Now give me a big hug.
Ami gave him a hug and a squeeze from behind.
Tommy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself? It's bothering me.
In the newspaper the next day, there was a story about a motorcycle that had crashed into a building due to a brake failure. There had been two people on it; there was one survivor. The truth was, halfway down the road, Tommy realized his brake wasn't working, but he didn't want to scare Ami. Instead, he had her hug him and tell him that she loved him one last time. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she would live even if he died.
Copy and paste this into your profile page if you would do the same for someone that you love.
No matter how many people I meet, you're the only person I can look at and know that no matter how many tears I shed for you or how much hurt I have to face because of you, it's completely worth it. I'd go through anything over and over again if it meant I could have you.
Anonymous/A certain someone
This is my favorite quote. May be cheesy as hell, but I love it, maybe because it's so sweet. And it just makes me smile. Here's a few more!
Thanks to silverstarazor for showing me the below life/love quotes!
"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."
"If you haven't learned what friendship means, then you havent learned anything at all."
"Kind hearts are the gardens, kind thoughts are the roots.
"You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel."
"'I love you' is one of the hardest things to say but one of the easiest things to hear."
"It is better to lose your pride with someone you love than lose someone you love with your pride."
"I love you, not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you."
The difference between school and life? In school you're taught a lesson then given a test, but in life you're given a test that teaches a lesson.
You know you're a writer...
-If you talk to yourself.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
When you get caught looking at him, just remember he was looking back.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is filled.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
When your are in jail, a friend will bail you out, but a best friend will be sitting right next to you saying "Damn, that was fun!"
Silence is golden, duct tape is silver.
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
Boys are like Slinkys; useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
I was about to take over the world, but I got distracted when I saw something shiny.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Be insane... because well-behaved girls never made history.
You don't like me, well, it's mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter.
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, it's encouraged! Why is that?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Doctors say I have multiple personalities. We disagree with that.
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
YOUR GUY SIDE:
X You love hoodies.
Uh... is that a good thing? O.o
YOUR GIRL SIDE:
You wear lip gloss/chapstick.
Okay, someone PLEASE tell me if this is a good thing!!
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.
God made man, and then He said, "I can do better than that." So He made women.
So many boys, so many reasons to stay alone.
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I was aiming for your face.
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you jump off a bridge, I laugh even harder.
Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.
"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do."
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance??
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have destroyed and obliterated this line.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive!
Life is full of disappointments, and I'm full of life!
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility.
War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
If you think things can’t get worse it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didn't work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
You can’t be late until you show up.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven’t sent one out.
To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
Coffee, men, and chocolate are all better rich.
Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. Copy this into your profile if you would be one of the few people that would answer, "Where to begin?"
If you've ever threatened your computer, copy and paste this into your profile.
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."
A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A best friend already has a shovel ready to bury the loser who made you cry.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
There are three kinds of people: Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.
If you were killed today, I'm sorry I wouldn't be able to come to your funeral, because I'd be in jail for killing the person who killed you.
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning many and 'tics' as in the bloodsucking creatures?
93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A-Lot, bellabookworm9, Bella Masen Cullen, Vampire Scooby, Alannaswarrior, SpottedLilly, Alleyanna Cullen, hugs.4.all.the.emo.boyz, WritingRocks6, GlindaFied26, XxXpurplelilyxXx, Bookluvrxoxo, Daydreamer897, The Friendly Chupacabra, Shorty and KG Inc., Journalist793, XxxBeLLxXxGiRlxxX76, Jake the Drake, Silverloc303, 3 fries short of a happy meal, RomanceSucka007
If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.
LADIES don't start fights,we FINISH them.
In weddings, old aunts used to poke me in the ribs, cackling and saying, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same to them in funerals.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair the brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
When I die, I'm going to haunt the hell out of you people!
Only You!... can help me hide the bodies!
It better to have loved and lost then to live with the PSYCHO the rest of your life!
They keep saying the right person will come along... I think a truck hit mine!
Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid.
HELL- Where all the fun people end up!
Exactly how much fun can I have before I go to hell?
I don't have a short attention span, I just... Oh look a kitty!
If I promise not to kill you... can I have a hug?
When a boy tells you to “Suck It!” Just smile and say “Sorry but my mother told me to never put SMALL things in my mouth!”
It's not that I'm not a “people person”... it's just that I'm not a “stupid people person”.
Grant me the serenity to accept things I can not change... And the shovel to hide the bodies of those who piss me off...
I have the kind of friends where if my house was burning down, they'd be roasting marshmallows and flirting with the firemen! (Yeah, and they probably started it too..)
Someone told me its illegal to kill someone for pissing you off...crap...!
We are the people our parents warned us about!
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses!
Boys break hearts, so why don't we break their necks?
A friend would call you a retard but a best friend would call you one and act like one with you.
Life is like a circle. No wonder I'm so dizzy.
If you were to kill everyone who thought you were stupid, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass!
Have you considered suing your brain for non-support?
I ran into my ex today. Then I put it in reverse and hit him again.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world, but shhh! It's a secret!
Looking for a perfect girl? Go buy yourself a barbie doll.
If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why the hell are you scared?!
It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hysterical!
Eat healthy. Work right. Die anyway.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with nonsense.
PMS: Every woman's legal right to be a bitch.
Lately the only thing keeping me from becoming a serial killer is my dislike for manual labor.
You, you, and you panic. The rest of you follow me.
There is no great genius without a mixture of madness.
Earth first. We'll screw up the other planets later.
Wanna know how to keep an idiot busy? Take him into a round room and tell him to sit in a corner.
Don't make me angry, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Heaven doesn't want me there and Hell knows I'll take over.
We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!
Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything.
The trouble with real life is that there is no background music.
Flying is not inherently dangerous- crashing is.
Normality will be restored as soon as we figure out what it is.
Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.
There are two things that are infinite. The universe and human stupidity. And I'm not so sure about the universe.
Smile. It makes the world wonder what you're up to.
I OWE MY MOTHER.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up,
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear,
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FRIENDS AND BEST FRIENDS:
Friend: Will help me find my way when I'm lost
Friend: Will help me learn to drive
Friend: Will watch my pets when I go away
Friend: Will help me up when I fall down
Friend: Will give me an umbrella in the rain.
Friend: Will bail me out of jail
Friend: Will go to a concert with me
Friend: Asks me for my number
Friend: Hides me from the cops
Friend: lets me make an idiot of myself in public
Friend: Never asks for anything to eat or drink.
Friend: Has never seen you cry.
Friend: Asks you to write down your number.
Friend: Only knows a few things about you.
Friend: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
Friend: Will calm you down when you're angry.
If you've ever wanted to go into a book & strangle the characters for being SO dumb, put this on your profile!
If, with no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.
If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you cuz of it's effects, copy this into your profile.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
If you think up stories faster than you can write them and are too lazy to do that for most of them anyway, copy this to your profile and add your name to the list so I know I'm not the only one: alansquill, kuyoki1789, BadWolf93, 3 fries short of a happy meal, RomanceSucka007
10 Commandments of a Teenager
1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping. (Why wait that long?)
You say pink.
REASONS TO JOIN THE DARK SIDE (If you wish to join add this list to your profile):
1. We have cookies. (Last I checked there was hot chocolate too.)
I picked this up from a story I read some time ago, and completely forgot the name of. If you know the story, PLEASE LET ME KNOW so that I can credit the author, who is a comical genius.
I have noticed that a lot of boys tend to use really, really idiotic (and that's putting it mildly) pick-up lines for girls. Please, stop the idiocracy! Use ones that you THINK about instead! Such as:
Guy: What time do you have to be back in heaven?
Guy: I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to have a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
Guy: Can I get your picture to prove to all my friends that angels really do exist?
Guy: Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
Guy: You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book, so what’s one more?
Guy: Did it hurt?
HERE ARE SOME FAILED ONES. NEVER USE THESE!! GIRLS WILL ALMOST INVARIABLY USE THEM AGAINST YOU.
Guy: Where have you been all my life?
Guy: I would go to the end of the world for you!
Guy: Your eyes, they're amazing.
Guy: Is this seat taken?
Boys, you have been warned. Don't get your heart broken!
When a real man fights, the real man walks away, the other man is air lifted to the ER.
What do you do when you see Justin Bieber running around your yard covered in blood? You calm down, reload, and shoot again.
By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you deleted and blocked. You may now kiss my ass.
Google must be a woman; it knows EVERYTHING.
My work ethic could best be described as "procrastinate as much as possible then frantically scream 'OH FUCK!!!' right before the deadline."
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
The worst way to miss someone, is to have them sitting right next to you & you know you can never have them.
Men are like roses, watch out for all of the pricks.
Adults are just kids with money.
Insanity is hereditary-- you get it from your kids.
Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
Shirts that cost more than a weeks worth of groceries are like horseshoes that cost more than a horse.
The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.
An English Horse Has Grace
There is no secret so close as that between a rider and his horse.
The air of heaven is that which blows between a horse’s ears.
If there are no horses in heaven…I’m not going.
I don’t know what makes you so dumb but it really works.
Sure, I’ve seen people like you before– but I had to pay an admission.
Perfect numbers-- like perfect men-- are very rare.
A stubborn horse walks behind you, an impatient horse walks in front of you, but a noble companion walks beside you.
The best color on a horse is fat.
Love is a temporary insanity curable by marriage.
The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common enemy.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Everyone leaves the world a little better – some by leaving.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely!!!
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
The more people I meet, the more I like my horse.
Chris is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.
Chris reminds you to not play stupid with me! I’m better at it.
Chris thinks that if your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”.
Chris took the “Are you spending too much time on Facebook” quiz and the result is “No – You should spend much more time”. Chris shot the computer.
The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.
Espresso is to Italy what champagne is to France.
Who says I’m not in shape? Round’s a shape, isn’t it? (In reality, I'm underweight. No offense to anyone who was offended by this, I got a laugh out of it.)
I’m cle’a[ni.ng m'y' ke]yb36oa;rd.
A man is about as big as the things that make him angry.
A good horse is dangerous at both ends but comfortable in the middle.
Your village just called. They’re missing an idiot.
When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him.
A cowboy is a man with guts and a horse.
Speak your mind, but ride a fast horse.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything.
Stop being so stupid... it’s my turn.
If you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing.
Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can't understand.
Girls are like phones... we like to be held and talked to... but if you press the wrong button... YOU WILL BE DISCONNECTED!
Women are scientifically proven to be right even when they are wrong.
In a horror movie, when running from a monster(s), ALWAYS expect to fall over AT LEAST twice.
If 'pro' means 'good' and 'con' means 'bad'... what's the opposite of 'progress?'
A grandfather reminiscing: "When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to a corner store with $1, and I'd come back with 5 bags of potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea, and six eggs. You can't do that now.
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Don't talk to me while I'm talking to myself.
Opera is when a guy get stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.
Forget love, I want to fall in chocolate.
I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures.
Never go to bed angry , Stay awake and plan your revenge. ALWAYS.
If no one is perfect does that mean I do not exist?
The road to success is always under construction.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Everything comes out right in the end, and if it isn't right, it isn't the end.
Never judge someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. By that time, they’ll be a mile away and barefoot.
Everybody wishes they could go to heaven but no one wants to die. (Except me, I KNOW I'm goin' to Hell.)
My mind is like lighting; one brilliant flash, then its gone…
What do you do when the only one who can make you stop crying is the one who made you cry?
School is a jail, the cells are the classes, teachers are the security guard and WE ARE THE PRISONERS!
You are just jealous because I act retarded and people still love me.
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then use the profits to buy an assault rifle. See if life makes the same mistake twice.
To learn, you must make mistakes; when you make a mistake, you often will get in trouble. So then, why do teachers punish you when you get into trouble if you are only learning, which is exactly what they want you to do?
I used to be normal until I met those losers I call my best friends!!
If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t come back to visit, hunt it down and kill it.
Boys fall for me; because I trip them.
All I want is for one guy to prove that they are not all the same.
Don’t knock on Death’s door. Hit the doorbell and run. He hates that.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.
Why do stores that are open 24/7 have locks on their doors?
There are 3 types of people in this world; those who can count, and those who can't.
Forget the dog! Beware of kids!
QUICK!! What’s the number for 911!!!
If I’m not back in 5 minutes... wait longer...
Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?
Everybody makes mistakes... the trick is making em when nobody is around...
When nothing goes right, go left.
Never give the devil a ride, he will always want to drive.
It's too bad that stupidity isn't painful.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.
Stupidity is evil waiting to happen.
Sure God created man before woman, but then again you always make a rough draft before creating the final masterpiece.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Women always worry about the things that men forget; men always worry about the things women remember.
A woman in love can't be reasonable--or she probably wouldn't be in love.
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
Why is it that men can be bastards and women must wear pearls and smile?
A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.
Men say they love independence in a woman, but they don't waste a second demolishing it brick by brick.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
My best guy-friend said this one. I thought of it as too funny not to put here. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
When in doubt, mumble.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
One morning, a little boy was looking through the Bible. A pressed leaf fell out from between the pages. The boy picks it up, and shouts to his mother, "Mommy! I think I found Adam's underwear!"
Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
With sufficient force, pigs fly just fine.
Some people hear voices... Some see invisible people... Others have no imagination whatsoever.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
V (Hugo Weaving)
I can't go to Hell, Satan's still got a restraining order out against me.
No offense intended to those of the Muslim religion who read this. It was purely for fun, and not meant to be against you.
Warning to Muslim terrorists; I've got a slab of bacon, and I'm not afraid to use it!!
Dear Karma: I think you missed some people. The following is a list...
If you could fix that up for me, that'd be great. Thanks.
Texting for Equestrian Owners:
OOH- out of hay
LAS- lost a shoe
BBM- bastard just bit me
FOMHL- Fell Off My Horse Laughing
FTC-- Forgot the carrots
MIHA-- Mare's in heat, again
LWW-- Lesson went well
MSMBO- mud sucked my boot off
HSIH- Horse Snot in Hair
HAO- Hay All Over
HIMB- Hay in My BRA
PIHH- POOP INDUCED HALF HALT
UD- Unplanned Dismount
PTTDG- Prayed to the Dirt God
MMM- Master Manure Mucker
OOM- Out of money
MHTS- More horses than sense.
BAHHFDP- bought another horse husband filed divorce papers
GBBF- got board bill, fainted
GFBF- got farrier bill, fainted
HRHCF- husband realized horse costs, fainted
SLH- Smell like horse
DQFOY- Dressage Queen fell off - yippee
HTNHFH- Hiding the new horse from hubby
WWFNS- Will work for new saddle
AROGC- Arena rained out - going crazy
SSB- saddle sore butt
BTLGR- b*hy trainer left - good riddance
ALIGAR- At least I got a ribbon
NLT- No lesson today
HGR- Have a great ride
R2R - Ready to Ride
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.
Women now have choices. We can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice they've always had: work or prison.
Men can read maps better than women. Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles.
The bathtub was invented in 1850 and the telephone in 1875. In other words, if you had been living in 1850, you could have sat in the bathtub for 25 years without having to answer the phone.
I like my new telephone, my computer works just fine, my calculator is perfect, but Lord, I miss my mind!
Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end.
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
Best friends are those who, when you show up at their door with a dead body, say nothing, grab a shovel, and follow you.
Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth.
The art of giving advice to best friends is to make them believe that they thought of it themselves.
I can't go to Hell when I die. Satan's wife still has a restraining order out against me.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
When in doubt, mumble.
Yes, I have quite the sense of humor.
Hey, do you readers want to see where I pick up eye colors for stories? :3 If you do, click. For my stories In A Heartbeat and Silent Heart, Kiernan's eye color is "Chill"; Ciara's is between "Forest" and "Hazel". Enjoy.
OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE
Today, we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense,who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn), and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion, or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot (McDonald's; look it up). She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
Girls Don't Realize These Things I am one of the few girls with the balls to repost this. Are you?
But most of all
How many guys out there are in or have been in this situation? And how many girls treat them worse than shit scraped off the bottom of their shoes? If you are one of the few girls out there with the guts, the balls, and the willingness to unbend your pride to repost this, then do so, and I might have a modicum more respect for you.
The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
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