Whoever said nothing is impossible, obviously never tried to slam a revolving door.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it.
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
There is stupid coming out of your mouth hole again
God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made women.
So many boys, so many reasons to stay alone
I didn't mean to hurt your feelings...I was aiming for your face
When you’re down I may not be able to pick you back up, but I promise I’ll be willing to lay down right next to you
I hear your silence loud and clear
Children in front seats can lead to accidents. Accidents in backseats can lead to children.
Why do today what you could put off till tomorrow?
Education is important, school however, is another matter.
Don’t mess with me...I've got a stick.
Boys are like Slinky's, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't
Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.
"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do."
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive
Life is full of disappointments, and I'm full of life!
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
It is not MY fault that I never learned to accept responsibility
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths
The cops never find it as funny as you do
The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
If you think things can’t get worse it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didn't work that way…so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station…
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
You can’t be late until you show up.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven’t sent one out.
I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.
Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn’t pay..so if you keep reading, you’ll go broke. (I still love to read)
Anyone who uses the phrase “easy as taking candy from a baby” has never tried taking candy from a baby.
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.
To be clever enough to get all that money, one must be stupid enough to want it.
Clever men are good, but they are not the best.
Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.
They say, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people. (Well...unless your Ziva...or Gibbs...or Eliot...)
Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. Copy this into your profile if you would be one of the few people that would answer, "Where to begin?"
If you've ever threatened your computer, copy and paste this into your profile
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
I'm sarcastic, always, and I love it.
A friend will comfort you when your rejected, but a best friend will go up to him and say, "Its because your gay isnt it?"
A good friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you. A best friend will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."
A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A best friend already has a shovel ready to bury the loser who made you cry.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I only speak two languages - English and bad English.
There are three kinds of people: Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.
If you were killed today, I'm sorry I wouldn't be able to come to your funeral, because I'd be in jail for killing the person who killed you
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning many and 'tics' as in the bloodsucking creatures?
Pluto was no longer declared a planet on August 27 of 2006 just because it was "Too small" and "Off it's orbit" for a couple scientists likings. If you still think Pluto should be a planet then copy and paste this to your profile. LONG LIVE PLUTO!
You call me a b? Because a b is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark grows on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful, thanks for noticing.
95 of teens would cry if they saw Miley Cyrus at the top of a skyscraper about to jump. Copy and paste this onto your profile if you are in the 5 that would sit there eating popcorn and yelling "DO A FLIP!!"
This is bunny. Copy and paste this bunny into your profile to help him gain world domination.
93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A-Lot, bellabookworm9, Bella Masen Cullen, Vampire Scooby, Alannaswarrior, SpottedLilly, Alleyanna Cullen, hugs.4.all.the.emo.boyz, WritingRocks6, GlindaFied26, XxXpurplelilyxXx, Bookluvrxoxo, Daydreamer897, The Friendly Chupacabra, Shorty and KG Inc., Journalist793, XxxBeLLxXxGiRlxxX76, Jake the Drake, Silverloc303, 3 fries short of a happy meal
If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
It takes skill to trip over flat surfaces.
"Do you remember when Pluto was a planet, yeah, those were the days."
I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.
Always forgive your enemies- nothing annoys them so much.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
"It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt-then it's hilarious!"
LADIES don't start fights,we FINISH them.
Who doesn't love comebacks that make the other person sound stupid?
"I didn't trip! I was testing gravity...it still works."
Not only do I fall down stairs but I trip up them as well. Now that takes TALENT!
Man: Baby you must be psychic. Women: Why? Man: Because you saw me coming and looked hot for me. Women: I am psychic. And if you don't go away, me and my 3 inch heels don't see any kids in your future.
During my second year of nursing school our professor gave us a quiz. I breezed through the questions until I read the last one: "What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was a joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times, but how would I know her name? I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Before the class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our grade. "Absolutely," the professor said. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say hello." I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy. ~Joann C. Jones
"Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? i just want to know who the heck is drinking my dang soda"
15 THINGS I'M GOING TO DO AT WAL-MART
1. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
15. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "pikachu, I choose you!"
Re-post this if you laughed...
A Stupid Person's Guide To Life
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN FRIENDS AND BEST FRIENDS:
PICK UP LINES:
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Eighty percent of Americans don't smoke. If you're one of that eighty percent, copy and paste this into your profile.
98 percent of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy & paste this in your profile.
Ninety-five percent of teenagers are concerned about being popular. If you are one of the five percent who aren’t, copy this, put it in your profile.
If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.
If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile.
If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.
If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you love your iPod, copy and paste this into your profile. (I don't know if I could live without it)
If you get good grades and still know nothing at all, copy and paste this onto your profile. (yep)
If you have embarrassing memories that make you want to smack yourself/someone else, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever been called a bookworm and are proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever felt the undeniable urge to slam your head into something, whether it is another person or not copy this into your profile.
If you have ever choked on your own spit, copy this into your profile!
If you dream in color, copy this into your profile.
If you support finding a cure for breast cancer, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever been attacked by a tree, copy and paste this into your profile.
Olny fteefin prenect of poelpe can raed this. If you are one fo taht prenect, cpoy and pstae tihs itno yuor porflie.
If you have a very wide variety of interests, copy and paste this to your profile.
Copy and paste this to your profile if your parents are not divorced.
If, for no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.
If you're against animal cruelty, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you think sex should wait until AFTER marriage, copy and paste this into your profile.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.
If you've ever wondered how on earth morning people are ... well peppy in the morning? If so copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have or ever have had an imaginary friend, copy and paste this into your profile!
If your profile is way too long, copy and paste this into it to make it even longer!
If you secretly hoped to get a letter from Hogwarts when you were eleven put this in your profile.
Just because we eat animals for food, doesn't mean we can cut them up for clothing! If you are against fur coats, clothing, boots, etc, copy this onto your profile.
If you have been on the computer for hours on end reading numerous fan fictions, copy this into your profile.
If you haven't died yet, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever wanted to go into a book & strangle the characters for being SO dumb, put this on your profile!
If you have TONS of books in your room and think it's odd when people just stare at them, put this on your profile!
If you actually take the time to read copy and pastes, copy this onto your profile.
92 percent of American teens would die if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this into your profile if you would be the 8 percent that would be laughing their butts off.
If you think up stories faster than you can write them and are too lazy to do that for most of them anyway, copy this to your profile and add your name to the list so I know I'm not the only one: alansquill, kuyoki1789 (really, I do. Half the time nobody has a clue what's going on in my mind if they could read it),BadWolf93, 3 fries short of a happy meal
If you hate racism, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you love reading, copy this into your profile. (READING=MY LIFE)
Did you know the average American only reads 3 books a year? If you don't believe that it's even possible to read that little, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.
If somebody ever underestimated or doubted your intellect, copy and paste this into your profile
Alora The Sleepy (1)
Charmed Always (5)
E. Collins (4)
Neon Scribe (8)
Nikki Adams (8)