Author has written 5 stories for General, and Life.
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-If you have ever fell UP the stairs, copy and paste this in your profile.
No one uses sarcasm on the sarcasm queen.
I haven't lost my mind. I sold it on eBay.
"Sarcastic? ME? Never!"
Smile. It confuses people.
A guy gets a girl 11 real roses and one fake rose. When he gave her the 12 roses, he said, "I'll love you until the last one dies."
If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second.
If there's a book that you really want to read that no body's written, then write the book yourself.
Please wait, the bitch is Loading 99%
PlayTheMoments PauseTheMemories StopThePain RewindTheHappiness
"Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive." Dalai Lama
"If I don't write to empty my mind, I go mad." Lord Byron
25 Things I Learnt From My Mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
REALLY DUMB LABELS:
On a Myer hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Chips: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how??)
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But, it's just a suggestion).
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (Well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (And you thought...??)
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a news flash.)
On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.)
I don't blame the company; I blame the parents for this one: On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
Korean Kitchen Knife: Warning: Not to be used in Children (hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)
Japanese Food Processor: Warning: Not to be used for the other use
Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required
Sleeping Pills: Warning: May Cause Drowsiness
Dial Soap: Warning: Use like regular soap
Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping
Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
Butcher Knife: Warning: Keep Out of Children.
Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts
Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado
Children's Asprin: Warning: Keep Away From Children
Candle: Warning: Warning, A burning candle is fire
Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.
Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it.
Girls are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
This is a true story. A girl died in 1933. A man buried her in the ground when she was still alive. The murderer chanted,"Toma sota balcu" as he buried her. Now that you have read the chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this in your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded.
A teacher asks his students to punctuate this sentence:
PUNCTUATION IS POWERFUL!
A girl and a guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle.
Girl: Slow down, I'm scared.
Guy: No, this is fun.
Girl: No it's not, please, it's so scary.
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: I love you, slow down.
Guy: Now give me a big hug
She gave him a big hug
Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself? It's really bothering me.
The next day in the newspaper, a motorcycle crashed into a building due to brake failure. Two people were in the crash, but only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road the guy realized that the breaks weren't working, but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead, he had her hug him and tell him she loves him one last time. Then he had her put his helmet on so that she would live, even if it meant that he would die.
If you would do the same for the person you love, copy this in your profile.
Things PMS Stands For:
* Pass My Shutgun
* Psychotic Mood Swing
* Perpetual Munching Spree
* Puffy Mid-Section
* People Make Me Sick
* Probide Me With Sweets
* Pardon My Sobbing
* Pimples May Surface
* Pass My Sweats
* Pissy Mood Syndrome
* Poor Men Suck
* Pack My Stuff
* Potential Murder Suspect
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