"Some will call this self-indulgence
(they are lucky not to know its truth)
Some will know the simple fact of pain

This is becoming my normality”

“…who lied and said it was nice to see me. Who lied. And said it was nice to see me.”

“…it’s not losing you that hurts me, but your bare-faced f--g falsehoods that masquerade as medical notes.

Your truth, your lies, not mine.

And while I was believing that you were different and that you maybe even felt the distress that sometimes flickered across your face and threatened to erupt, you were covering your arse too. Like every other stupid mortal --.

To my mind that’s betrayal. And my mind is the subject of these bewildered fragments.

Nothing can extinguish my anger.
And nothing can restore my faith.
This is not a world in which I wish to live.”

“I need to become who I already am and will bellow forever at this incongruity which has committed me to hell”

“I’ve never in my life had a problem giving another person what they want. But no one’s ever been able to do that for me. No one touches me, no one gets near me.”

“my thought walks away with a killing smile
leaving discordant anxiety
which roars in my soul”

“Built to be lonely
to love the absent

Find me
free me
from this
corrosive doubt
futile despair
horror in repose”

“I can fill my space
fill my time
but nothing can fill this void in my heart
The vital need for which I would die

Breakdown”

“Please don’t switch off my mind by attempting to straighten me out. Listen and understand, and when you feel contempt don’t express it, at least not verbally, at least not to me.”

“It’s not your fault, that’s all I ever hear, it’s not your fault, it’s an illness, it’s not your fault, I know it’s not my fault. You’ve told me that so often I’m beginning to think it is my fault.”

“I dreamt I went to the doctor’s and she gave me eight minutes to live. I’d been sitting in the f--g waiting room half an hour.”

“…let’s shut down the higher functions of my brain and perhaps I’ll be a bit more f--g capable of living.”

“drowning in a sea of logic”

“Every act is a symbol
the weight of which crushes me”

“Embrace beautiful lies-
the chronic insanity of the sane.”

“Stop judging by appearances and make a right judgment.”

“Sanity is found at the centre of convulsion, where madness is scorched from the bisected soul.”

“You’ll be all right. You’re strong. I know you’ll be okay because I like you and you can’t like someone who doesn’t like themself. The people I fear for are the ones I don’t like because they hate themselves so much they won’t let anyone else like them either. But I do like you. I’ll miss you. And I know you’ll be ok.”

“I’m angry because I understand, not because I don’t.”

“no way to reach out
beyond the reaching out I’ve already done”

“I thought it was silent
till it went silent”

"I’ve never understood
what it is I’m not supposed to feel
like a bird on the wing in a swollen sky
my mind is torn by lightning
as it flies from the thunder behind”

“Despair propels me to suicide
Anguish for which doctors can find no cure
Nor care to understand
I hope you never understand
Because I like you”

“the only thing that’s permanent is destruction
we’re all going to disappear
trying to leave a mark more permanent than myself”

“this is the sickness of becoming great

this vital need for which I would die

to be loved”

“Validate me
Witness me
See me
Love me”

“I think that you think of me
the way I’d have you think of me”

“I have no desire for death
no suicide ever had

watch me vanish”

“It is myself I have never met, whose face is pasted on the underside of my mind”

-from 4.48 Psychosis by Sarah Kane

I am a poet. I write to release the pain that overwhelms me. I write to show that you are not alone. I write to tell you of the pain I've been through, in hopes that you'll come to terms with your own. I write to help. I write to love. I write to survive because without my writing, I am but an empty shell, devoid of emotions and love. I write for myself. I write to release the pain in a non-destructive manner. I write to live.

I am not perfect, whatever perfection is. I've made mistakes. Still do. I've hurt those who only tried to love me. I am learning to live again.