XAbsoluteZeroX
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Poll: I have another story in mind. Should I finish Handmaiden before I write it, or write them both at the same time? Vote Now!
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Joined 04-25-12, id: 838144, Profile Updated: 08-12-13
Author has written 1 story for Romance.

XAbsoluteZeroX


Greetings all, I am new to Fictionpress though not to Fanfiction. My username over there is different however, and I'm not going to mention it either since it is my intention from this point on to keep my stories separated. I want to move on from Fanfiction and plunge into the new but slightly scary world of my own originality. I've tried to convince my friends to do this with me but for the most part they are satisfied with writing fanfiction. I feel this step I have taken alone will someday drop me on the doorstep of a publisher and that - whats more - the door will open for me. It is my dream to be published someday.

A little About Me...

I will not provide my real name on the site, but when I was young I was known as C.C. from my twin sister since she couldn't pronounce my name right. My dad called me Skippy since that was my primary method of travel. However to my entire family I was known as 'Troll' (No this isn't because I am ugly and have numerous warts and have a hunched back and pick at my own hair follicles when I am bored) it was simply because I preferred the solitude of the unfinished basement at my old home and of course - the dark.

Down those wooden steps I sat huddled in my own world with those chewed up barbie dolls scattered from the baskets containing all the toys my sister and I owned behind me. No I didn't chew them. My dog did. Anyway, yes I played with those toys from time to time but for the most part what kept me contained in those dark depths was the TV. I didn't watch much on that TV either besides those precious minutes of pokemon and digimon after school, where I kept close the part of me that wanted to be a part of those fantasy worlds - so much so that I'd cry if they weren't on at the precise time every day, but I digress. For the most part what I watched on that TV were my actions. Your actions? You must be wondering, and I reply with a digital nod. My actions on the screen. Videogames. I was OBSESSED.

Who could afford to not be obsessed with Link's well-being while catching those funny but at times aggressive cuckoos? Or Mario's quest to save his useful girlfriend Peach? Or letting those ducks get away in Duck Hunt? I was hooked on every single one of these amazing games from start to finish. This obsession carried on until I was much older. What does any of this have to do with Fictionpress? You might have been thinking, or just had the thought as I've planted it into your head now. Well I will tell you.

As I traveled through numerous games, games of utmost importance and impact on my life I figured somewhere along the line that I should invest myself in this industry - the video game industry that is. What more could there be to it than that? I love games. I love how they draw you in, I love how they taught me how to read and the consequences of choice without thought. I love trying to piece problems together and when solutions are torn apart in front of you and yet you must continue. You must get up and fight. They showed me true heroism and role models better than the world ever did. They gave me something to stand for and strangely enough for a little girl who had few friends at the time and said little - they gave me purpose. A pleasant - though dazed- walk home from school.

So when I started my first year of Game Development in College, I had little doubt that that's where I belonged. I loved the program when I started even though the staff often took days off without warning and forgot that they assigned something to be due in three weeks and demanded the same assignment merely a week later. Indeed I liked the program where everyone liked the same things I did, and didn't mind my quietness or my creativity. I even fell in love with a brave boy with red-gold hair that sat on the other side of the room but didn't seem to understand one bit the necessity of flirting (anyway, he's my boyfriend now). However, it was about halfway in that I realized something was missing that I wanted dearly.

Where was the story telling class? There wasn't one.

Once the initial thrill of College wore off this fact began to wear on me and wear on me until my modelling, animation and rendering classes all seemed to blur into one big roll of what-the-heck-am-I-doing-this-for? I didn't want to build models, slap on textures or make grass sway correctly (Okay, admittedly I came to like Animation after a time). I wanted build relationships, journeys, and betrayals. I wanted to make things that touched people directly, that touched ME directly. I specifically remember a moment in my Pre-Production class (which is a class for art for games, the class that was my favorite) I brought my art up to the teacher to inspect and he praised it, but when I asked him if we were ever going to write for games he politely told me no. Then proceeded to kindly tell me that if that's what I wanted to do then I was probably in the wrong program.

And so it was. I didn't return to Game Development the next year because I had discovered something that I had not known to be true. What I had been looking for all along was an excuse to write as a method of creation. This is where I falter even more though, because even though I knew I could write I always get stuck in my own head. I'm sure everyone who reads this can relate. Its so much easier to write in your own head than on paper. My fingers are slow, and a lot of the time my mind is foggy and I am tired but we do no justice to ourselves or to that idea in our mind that we've had growing since we were as young as we can remember. They deserve to be written.

I've always had a soft spot for Dragons. Romance. Bonds. Majestic landscapes. Turning of Tides. Friends that yell. Staring people down. Protecting ones you love at all and any cost. Realization and then...humbleness. Hero's that learn to control their temper. Rebellion.

Since grade nine I've written fanfiction and it has grown into a part of me. I've been criticized and molded but surprisingly the most that has been given to me is praise. When I started receiving this early on I eyed it with skepticism and suspicion. They're just being nice, I would think with a shrug but the reviews still climbed until somehow I started to believe that my writing could be worth something. That I could be worth something. My face would flush and burn when I would see critiques but my heart and face muscles would lift when I brought tears or happiness and it is then that I understood that there was no other place that I could belong.

I belong in my mind, and I want to belong in yours too.

Below is the seed of who I am. A story of an angry and rebellious black dragon, and a girl who must learn how to be brave. Please give me your support and your opinion, good and bad. I want dearly to see this published someday. Please help me there.

Oh, and the name XAbsoluteZeroX came from a Yugioh card my boyfriend bought. I fell in love with the card and the name and I'm not really sure why. I love the way the two words lock together, and what they represent to me. If anything is absolute, surely it is nothingness. But in this case...the card is implying that it's really fucking cold. LOL.

Some other useless information about me...

Favorite Movie - Avatar - Yes I am aware that people think it's Pocahontas all over again, but what can I say...I really don't give a damn. Pocahontas never came close to giving me shivers while when I walked out of the movie theater after Avatar I didn't even want to go home. I wanted to literally sneak back in and watch it again. I remember distinctly this almost...disappointed feeling with my mundane life after seeing it. So after making me feel all that, it deserves some respect in my opinion. Say what you will.

Favorite Game - Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask - Such a beautiful but dark game. I don't believe it gets enough love. Unfortunately Nintendo decided it wasn't worth the HD treatment and skipped right from Ocarina of time to Wind Waker. Sigh.

Favorite colour - orange

Hobbies - Writing and reading, mostly. I also love video games...a little too much. I'm waiting for Blade and Soul to be released in Canada. Music. Some animes, though I've realized I'm becoming a lot pickier as I grow older. Going to the movies. My boyfriend is a critic, and unfortunately I think he's turning me into one too, lol. I'm usually pretty harsh on movies. I notice a lot of acting flaws and bad dialogue, though I try to be fair to the actors. Sometimes the script is just awful and people will go 'The acting was bad' but a lot of the time the actors really probably just don't have a lot to work with. Twilight is a good example of this. Watch the movies and pay attention to how much Bella and Edward actually talk to each other (especially in the later movies) and you'll see why the acting is so strained -- the dialogue is just poor. I almost feel bad for the actors. Then go watch Robert Pattinson in Water for Elephants, and be amazed, hehe.

Small things about me...

I like dogs. Whippets are my favorite. I'd like to get one soon. I figure it'll be sort of a necessary, odd test to see if I can actually take care of a child lol...

I work at Five Guys Burgers and Fries. They're popping up everywhere. It's a good job, I like it. The staff is great and kind and fun but I don't think I was ever meant to work in the food industry. I just don't care that much about making food, no matter the quality really. I guess it's fine because I'm a cashier but being a cashier for a year and having to answer the same damn questions to EVERY. PERSON. THAT. COMES. IN. THE. DOOR literally is making me feel like I want to claw my eyes out right about now. Seriously, not only can I tell the moment someone walks in the door if they've been to our location or not, but I know the first two questions that are going to come out of their mouth. They are...

'What's the difference between a regular hamburger and a little hamburger?' -- I wish I could just cut people off right at 'What' but I can't so I let them finish. In case no one knows, the difference is that regular hamburgers at Five Guys have two patties and the little's have one. So if you end up going there one day, don't ask the cashier...I promise she'll mentally thank you for it lol.

The second question is 'Do you have combo's he--NO. WE DON'T. ARE YOU READY TO ORDER NOW? Lmao.

As much as I like my job, working there actually makes my pet peeves known to me. I'm usually a really passive person. I find it hard to have an opinion on things. Especially when someone asks me something like 'What do you want to eat for dinner?' or 'Do you want to do something next Tuesday?' I find it REALLY hard to answer because I live so in the moment. That doesn't even mean that I party or drink or anything crazy...it's just...how am I supposed to know what I'm going to want to eat at dinner when it's still morning, or do on Tuesday when it's still the weekend?! How!? It's like someone asking you if you want some orange juice when you're already drinking a coke. You try to consider what the orange juice might taste like, but you can't because you're drinking COKE.

Seriously the other day my step dad kept asking me where he should park so I could get out and get on the bus to transit to my college. I don't know if he was purposely trying to irk me but WHY DOES IT MATTER? I asked him why he was making it so hard. Just stop the damn car--the bus is like 30 meters away-- just stop and I'll get out! Or don't stop and I'll do a barrel roll. Don't matter to me.

Anyway, there are traits I know that I possess and there are traits that I know I don't. This is where my pet peeves come in. For example...

I'm a really hard worker. I work, work, work. That's what they're paying me to do, so I do it. I get there earlier than anyone, I punch in first and I crank out nearly all of that day's meat patties by myself. I'm the fastest. I know I can do it and I never complain. That being said, the next girl will come in two hours later than I do and they'll send her home BEFORE ME. That -- right there -- pisses me off.

When I confronted the manager (we can sort of do it in a non-formal way at my work, like buddies almost so don't be alarmed) he told me A) That she hated cleaning the lobby and B) That I was better at it. So he sent her home to cut labor costs instead of me. I honestly just stared at him with big, wide, dazed eyes.

A) I've been doing lobby AND cash for a YEAR. She's been there as long as me and SHE is complaining that she doesn't like it when SHE gets to work the other stations whenever she likes? No. That's wrong. I hate it at this point too, much more than she does, but I don't make a fuss or just straight up NOT DO IT. I suck it up and WORK.

B) I'm better at it because I DON'T COMPLAIN. And if I AM better at it, then they need to take another look at the team and consider who is strong and who is weak. You don't reward your hardest working horses with MORE WORK that day. I understand how employers might consider giving the hardest working people more hours, and how that could be considered a reward but it's the worst slap in the face for me. I work hard, I raise my hand for morning shifts so that I CAN leave early and consistently I am held back while other people get to go home before me, when they punched in after. That's not right. It's not fair. Do you know what that makes me want to do?

SLACK. Hey, I get paid the same amount AND I get to go home early. Win. Unfortunately another trait I possess is that I am disgusted by the idea of letting someone down...*facepalm*

So my good traits are...

Hardworking - At my job is mostly what I mean. Someone literally told me I was 'Work, work, work, all work, no play!' Lol. At home, eh, I'm pretty lazy besides writing.

Fair - As in flexible. My opinions are not set in stone usually, and I don't bother arguing with other people about their opinions, not because I don't care but because I feel people are free to think whatever they want. I would say the only exception to this is when people are unfairly judged in my eyes. I think I am a good judge of character, possibly BECAUSE I'm so unbiased. I give people the benefit the doubt even after first impressions, so when I've finally grasped who someone IS as a whole, when I hear someone else who challenges that so obviously then yes, it bothers me. Because it's like they're challenging one of the only things I'm good at -- and that's SEEING people. REALLY seeing them.

Kind -- This is a no-brainer. I'm kind. Too kind. I can't bare to watch other people be or feel uncomfortable. I put myself into so many other shoes that it's like I can't escape what others might be feeling anymore. It's integrated into me. If I don't like the way a conversation is going because I know it's going to make someone upset or uncomfortable, I'll subconsciously change it to avoid that topic. It feel subconscious to me at least, but other people have told me that it's fairly obvious when I do it in a conversation. People walk all over me sometimes. It's like my annoyances at work. They probably do it BECAUSE I usually say nothing, I usually just take it and suffer in silence. Even when something goes wrong and the manager doesn't know who did it and neither do I, if he addresses me I'll just say 'Okay, won't happen again' but other people will say 'It wasn't me' and I wonder sometimes if I should be say that too just to cover my ass.

Now bad traits...(this should be fun)...

I don't know if everyone is aware of their own bad traits, but I am aware of mine.

Nervous - I have to fake being calm a lot of the time. I analyze so much that I don't even know what it's like to be relaxed around other people anymore. Unless of course, it's like how I am now, online. When people ask me to do new things, I pull back, I'm afraid. I don't want to fail or look like an idiot so I avoid doing things all together. I never used to be like that when I was younger. When I look back I see someone who just wanted to play with toys, managed to be herself even though she was quiet and didn't really care about being alone either.

Indifference - This is a bad one, and perhaps the one that scares me most of all. I don't care. About a lot of things. In fact, what I'm doing right now is probably the one thing I care about most in the world -- writing. Indifference also ties in with the statement above, about growing out of who I was and into this new person. As I grew up, somewhere along the line I stopped caring about dates, birthdays, material possessions. I realized that there was nothing that my parents could take away from me that would truly hurt me (That is, if I ever got into trouble...which I never did...) They could take away my PS2, my phone, my computer, my bed, my room, TV, books...it was all just STUFF that could be replaced. Just about the only thing that they could do was take away my friends. I have a select group that I've been a part of since highschool and I haven't really gained or lost any since then. Oh, besides my boyfriend. Admittedly I couldn't live without him. Perhaps the reason our relationship works is because he's got enough opinions for the both of us, haha. He makes me actually consider things.

Anyway, at work, indifference is a curse and a blessing. My indifference has gotten to the point of making me lose focus on what I'm doing unless they are simple tasks. When I work on a really stressful station where there is a lot of reading of food tickets, or trying to make sure the toppings are right while my managers are waiting to take the food out to customers -- I lose control. It's like I can't focus my eyes, I can't read what's in front of me. I have trouble counting or explaining things out loud. I can't even really explain why this happens, I suppose it's because even though I work/try really hard, I'm not passionate enough about what I'm doing and it's like my mind almost wants to avoid focusing. I can't understand in that moment why my managers are so stressed out. It's just FOOD. Strange I know. I'm not even sure that's a good enough theory as to why it happens but it's certainly annoying.

Imagination - I'm stuck in my head...ALL OF THE TIME. I can't escape. I'm endlessly weaving stories or ideas or dialogue together. It controls most of my time and most of my focus. It's why I'm nervous around other people, because I don't live in the real world -- not really. It's why I'm indifferent, because I'm just waiting to finish answering the 1000th annoying question so I can get back to my imagination. It really is a curse -- until I do something with it, which is where Handmaiden has come from. It's basically an idea that has developed that had to be written. I have to do something tangible with my imagination or I don't think I'll make it in this world. But do you know how happy I would be if I saw it published? I could die the day after and be content with my life.

Something interesting about me -- My dreams.

My dreams are either incredibly frustrating or completely euphoric. They fluctuate between two different scenerios. In both, I know that I am dreaming. I ALWAYS know --or at least figure out within a few seconds -- whether or not I am dreaming. I think that's called lucid dreaming. I didn't know until recently that people go to great lengths to experience this phenomenon. I wish I had some advice for those people, but I don't do meditation or anything like that. I like to think I just have a good amount of control over my subconscious.

1) I dream that I am waking up, except I just wake up into another dream. For example, I will be trying to wake up for one reason or another and instead of actually waking up, my dream will try to TRICK me into thinking I have woken up by having my 'dream-self' wake up in my room, and in my bed. I then have to make sure I've actually woken up by exploring the dream for a few seconds. For example, I always check my hands. In dreams, it's actually uncommon to have five fingers, so if I look down and see that I don't have five fingers...well that's a dead giveaway. If I realize I haven't woken up, I will try to wake up again. When I say 'try to wake up' I mean that I try to open my eyes -- my REAL eyes. I used to be a pro at this when I was younger, I could wake up immediately from anything I was scared of, or wanted to avoid. Now however, it seems I've lost my talent because my brain had just seemingly caught on and is content to just keep me locked in my own head for the remainder of the night. It's incredibly frustrating.

2) I am gifted with dreams of flying, and the amazing thing is that these dreams plague me quite often. Sometimes I levitate, sometimes I have wings, sometimes I simply soar, but whichever the method they are always enjoyable and I feel truly blessed. These are dreams I fight to stay in. I think perhaps these dreams come to be because I often think of the mechanics of flying, and how it might feel and work. In Handmaiden, my story, every time I write about dragon flight, I imagine to the best of my ability how the wind might feel while lifting the dragon, or how much height he or she might get--how much speed.

I can actually relate quite a lot to the movie Inception, when they say 'accept that you are in a dream'. When I realize I am in a dream as I often do, I don't feel startled anymore. If I'm not aiming to wake up, I feel almost free. I know I'm dreaming. Nothing can hurt me. I can do anything. See anyone. Go anywhere. Be anything. It really is something.

My Pinterest page here - http://pinterest.com/xabsolutezerox/handmaiden/

Well I'm tired now...I'll add more to this later. I hope you learned some stuff about me, the real me. It's honestly nice to share this stuff...the good and the bad.

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