Warner Hedgehog
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Joined 06-01-12, id: 844499, Profile Updated: 07-06-15
Author has written 62 stories for Fantasy, Humor, Life, Humor, Fantasy, Friendship, General, and Action.

I write whatever strange tales enter my head. Sometimes it's a drawn out story, other times it's a short tale and occasionally its a mad poem. I must go where my muse takes me. One day it'll get a collar and a GPS tag.

Some of the less aimless of my stories can be found on FanFiction.net

For those interested, very bored or with too much time on their hands, here is a bit about me. Some of it may be true.

Age (see 'Big Hairy Lies')

806 give or take a few thingumy-doodads.

Interests:

Writing weird tales and peculiar poetry, listening to music, playing guitar and ukulele, painting, aaaaand singing.

Influences:

Just about anything I read or hear probably, but for listing's sake:

Rosie Jackson, Terry Pratchett, Lisa Swerling, Ralph Lazar, Robert Rankin the wise, Grant Naylor (I know), Douglas Adams, Tom Holt, The Illuminated Bretheren of the Twitterati, Tom Clancy, Spike Milligan, That M. Python crowd, Mary Chapin Carpenter, Mary Gauthier, Stephen Fry, Nanci Griffith, The late great Kirsty MacColl, Hayao Miyazaki, Rumiko Takahashi, The Bonzo dog doo dah band, Elmore Leonard , The DORC podcast, Bill 'The Saviour of the Owl' Bailey, Mike Batt, Ludwig Ledbury (Where ever he may be, gawd bless his little cotton socks), the writers of Dangermouse and many others.

Big hairy Lies:

This has no purpose at all...

Jupiter is home to a race of nuclear shrews, Eating the right cereal at the right time will turn you into Abraham Lincoln, Birmingham is available in gingham and shades of pastel pink, Michael Stipe has spent the last three weeks sitting on an egg in the hopes it will hatch. It won't as it's a Kinder Egg, If you bite a radioactive duck you will turn into Mother Goose and thus you will appear in pantomime in Grimsby with Helen Lederer in 1876, David Cameron's best friend is a bit of plastic guttering he likes to call Phil, there is an ode to Rachel Riley hidden in the Sistine Chapel's floor.

Painting the Roses Green by hal99 reviews
Green, not red
Poetry: General - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 86 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Published: 10/29/2013 - Complete
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Brian and Eric reviews
This is based on a poor and unfunny joke, and will be used as the basis for several scenes based on poor and unfunny jokes or generally silly ideas. Each chapter will be a stand-alone load of twaddle and the whole thing will bounce around history like an anachronistic anarchic loon. Sort of like a sketch-show in a story format. Ish.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 21 - Words: 6,200 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 7/6 - Published: 4/5/2014
Brian and Eric's Epic Adventure
Feature length, twaddle-studded story starring your favourite loons, Brian and Eric. We now reach the dizzy heights of Chapter 5: Gettin' Topaz Wit It.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 4,978 - Updated: 7/1 - Published: 11/20/2014
The Jazz Panorama
A review of a collection of curious and strangely fictitious jazz albums. This was written to give a basis for an upcoming biography of one of the featured 'artists'.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 844 - Published: 6/22 - Complete
Of Course, This Means War reviews
A battle bravely fought, who shall be victorious?
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 89 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 6/5 - Complete
Green Thing Pinks reviews
A thankfully short surrealist poem that says little about anything.
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 70 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 5/29 - Complete
H & A reviews
Something written while watching late-night TV.
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 119 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 2 - Published: 5/26 - Complete
Off on a Jolly reviews
Watching the comings and goings at a rail station recently, and this started to form..
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K - English - Poetry/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 182 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 5/21 - Complete
Elmer Vs The Duck
As the title implies, this is between Elmer and The Duck. There is now a part 2 with a needless Hitchhikers Guide reference.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K - English - Fantasy/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 674 - Updated: 4/1 - Published: 8/1/2014
The Strange Man Stories: An unusual idea
A man by the sea has an idea that people in his world haven't thought about for millennia. Where will this odd yet ancient thought take him?
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,423 - Published: 3/17 - Complete
Limp and Lifeless
Written in script form, this is a chat show where fictitious celebs come to plug whatever product they're selling, be it themselves, a book or a song or even a film. Apologies to Bill O'Reilly, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Bill Maher and their networks, British pop stars, MPs, chat shows and whoever I stole the jokes from. There is now Episode 2.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 2 - Words: 9,642 - Updated: 3/13 - Published: 12/14/2014
The Coal Gate Scandal reviews
A strange little tale in the form of a newspaper report about an event in an appallingly run coal mine. Chapter 2 is a folk song version of the story and as such is complete with far too many verses and an idiotic refrain. Its as if a folkie (with too much time on his or her hands) wrote about it 50-100 years later.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 840 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 1/31 - Published: 7/10/2013 - Complete
High Drive reviews
Silly parody of car reviews. Or a certain Mr. arkson. Or both. I should apologise to Jeremy really or some of the car companies whose names and cars I've pinched/ruined, but I'm not sure if I'm going to.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,280 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 12/18/2014 - Complete
Gettin' a Bit Fighty
In an unidentified place in an unidentifiable era, a warrior comes into town to take on the world.
Fiction: Action - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 842 - Published: 10/30/2014 - Complete
The Turbert Fiasco
A sequel to 'The Coal Gate Scandal', this looks at Michael Dentine after the events in the mine, and his misadventure in confectionary.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 867 - Published: 9/21/2014 - Complete
Finding Your Place
This is a song inspired by some of Mark Knopfler's material.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 197 - Published: 9/2/2014
The Return of a Dancing Weirdo: A sequel to Billy Forelock
The dancing demon returns, but will things turn out the same?
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K - English - Supernatural/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 557 - Published: 8/13/2014 - Complete
The Beastie
A somewhat daft poem with a vague nod to that Robert Burns feller at the beginning. Dance to the music, and if there isn't any, dance anyway.
Poetry: Fantasy - Rated: K - English - Poetry/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 128 - Published: 7/31/2014 - Complete
The Confusion of Billy Forelock
A young man out on a walk encounters something very odd indeed.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K - English - Fantasy/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 323 - Published: 7/23/2014 - Complete
Chicken Tikka
Silly and blindingly obvious parody of Abba's Chiquititta. Many apologies to Abba, Abba's fans, all curry lovers everywhere and anyone reading this.
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 332 - Published: 6/9/2014 - Complete
Sectioned Rugs And Rotten Rolls
This is the prequel to Playboy Chickens. Like Chickens and it's sequel, it's a surreal and generally sense-free read.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Fantasy/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 871 - Published: 4/21/2014
Cyclops
One of civilization's little devices that doesn't get much recognition.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 118 - Published: 4/15/2014 - Complete
Dennis Robinson reviews
Poetry for railway nerds. This came to me while ambling up and down Swanage railway station. This poem is supposed to be funny but probably isn't. Apologies to Mr. Simon and Mr. Garfunkel and all others involved in the pre-ruined song.
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 273 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 4/3/2014 - Complete
Exploding Cigars In Hampstead
This is a surrealist poem with little if any artistic merit. It's just daft.
Poetry: General - Rated: K - English - Humor/Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 119 - Published: 3/30/2014 - Complete
Newspaper Letter
A strange little idea involving a letter published on a newspaper's website and some of the comments it attracted. It may get a re-write at some point to make the comments sillier. Apologies to Belgium and any TV companies anywhere.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K+ - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 244 - Published: 3/21/2014
Ode to a Tweeny Standard
This is dedicated to my brother, who said I should write an ode to a bit of kitchen equipment that got kicked out of the house. We loved the name of it. Is that silly?
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K - English - Humor/Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 89 - Favs: 1 - Published: 3/14/2014 - Complete
Freda Fruitcake: A Fashion Icon
A somewhat daft story in the form of a magazine article about the Gossip Station's Freda Fruitcake, delving into the history of this most...peculiar fashion giant.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,361 - Published: 2/1/2014 - Complete
Goldilocks
A twist of sorts on the Goldilocks story. It may well take in a sightseeing tour of other fairytales and stories too.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,296 - Published: 1/19/2014
Attack of the Mylar Narwhal
The not-awaited sequel to Playboy Chickens, this is again a surreal, senseless load of random gibbering. Features a cameo by an author and one of his creations. It's meant to be weird if anyone's wondering. Read this at your sanity's peril as it's 3 chapters of strangeness. You have been warned. Chapter 1 now has a few more cheap puns based on British TV personalities.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,270 - Updated: 1/13/2014 - Published: 12/23/2013 - Complete
The Gossip Station 2
This is the fault of a TV advert. It carries on the needless gibberish that the first Gossip Station started. Apologies to the Police Academy people and the denizens of Walford. They don't deserve such a bad football club.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 883 - Published: 1/2/2014 - Complete
Python Prejudice reviews
Monty Python meets Pride and Prejudice. Sort of. Apologies due to Jane Austen, Monty Python, the BBC and French waiters everywhere. Albatross!
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 224 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 12/27/2013 - Complete
Playboy Chickens reviews
In 'The Second Book Review', mention is made of a book called 'Playboy Chickens'. It is described as a surreal read that makes no sense. This hopefully fulfills that description. This is supposed to be very weird, is utterly senseless gibberish and as will be obvious, I tried to avoid sanity while writing it. The Known Twitterer is real and knows who he is.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,093 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 12/15/2013 - Published: 12/12/2013 - Complete
The Circle
This is dedicated to the members of the Woodman Inn Knitting Circle. Knit on ladies, knit on.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 109 - Published: 11/11/2013 - Complete
Lady MacColl
A poetical tribute to Singer/Songwriter extraordinaire Kirsty MacColl, one of Englands treasures.
Poetry: Friendship - Rated: K - English - Poetry/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 110 - Published: 10/14/2013 - Complete
Dragon reviews
This is slightly unusual in that the dragon is metaphorical. It represents an actual person. I'm not saying who. So there.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K+ - English - Poetry/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 117 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 9/1/2013 - Complete
The Trouble with Odes
The poetical tale of one couples interrupted lunch.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Poetry/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 188 - Published: 8/30/2013 - Complete
Betty's Got An ASBO reviews
Parody of the Pam Tillis song 'Betty's Got A Bass Boat'. It's now much sillier. Sorry Pam.
Poetry: Humor - Rated: T - English - Parody/Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 344 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 1 - Published: 8/9/2013 - Complete
Waiting for a Scan reviews
A poem composed while waiting for a scan. Exciting isn't it?
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 111 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 7/26/2013 - Complete
Red Hot Cafe
A poem about a hot day in a cafe.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 179 - Published: 7/26/2013 - Complete
Coppikais and Mantapees
Yet another nonsense poem, inspiration for which comes from two members of my family who shall remain nameless. If I could claim credit for the words 'Coppikai' and 'Mantapee' then I would, but I can't.
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 340 - Published: 7/16/2013 - Complete
An 'Orrible Man reviews
A silly poem inspired by something nasty.
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K - English - Poetry/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 116 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Published: 7/12/2013 - Complete
The Gossip Station reviews
This is a parody of the celebrity gossip pages that you get in tabloid newspapers. You know the ones, they focus on nothing that you actually need to know. This has now been enbiggened a bit.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 853 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 6/18/2013 - Complete
Empty Head on a Saturday Night
The chav. All bling and stuff in a pimped-up car.
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K - English - Poetry/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 199 - Published: 2/7/2013 - Complete
Forlorn Eatery
Based on one lunchtime in a cafe in Dorset, this tells of the general fact that no-one was about. Exciting isn't it?
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 107 - Published: 2/4/2013 - Complete
The Book Review: The Second One reviews
Another round up of fictional rubbish. This is where Playboy Chickens originates.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 548 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 2/3/2013 - Complete
Waiting
Sitting in a waiting room, an this enters my head.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 84 - Published: 1/30/2013 - Complete
The Book Review reviews
A fictional review of fictional books, which gave me an excuse to use the phrase 'Bombastic tones'. This is probably inspired/plagiarised or something similar by Monty Python's 'Rock Notes'. If anyone has been on the sauce and feels like having a crack at one of the fictional tales that are mentioned, then go for it.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 529 - Reviews: 2 - Follows: 1 - Published: 1/27/2013 - Complete
The Strange Man Stories: Nurdle's Twist
A story in the Man's world, yet not about or involving him. This probably needs more work and some refinement, which it may get. As for the idea of the monument: It's the subject of several paintings I've done. I just thought it'd be nice to put it into a story somewhere.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,216 - Published: 1/25/2013
Beguiling Spongaloo
Another nonsense poem, again in a Spike Milligan style (Cheers Spike!). I think this one vaguely originates from the idea of the Gnolls in Terry Pratchett's Discworld. Nice one Terrence.
Poetry: Fantasy - Rated: K - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 239 - Published: 1/24/2013 - Complete
Snockpods above reviews
A nonsense poem for modern times (or something like that). For the record, I didn't invent the word 'Snockpod', though I wish I had.
Poetry: Fantasy - Rated: K - English - Fantasy/Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 131 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Published: 1/24/2013 - Complete
An Anglo Perspective
Living in England (a land where it rains far too much), there's a very common topic of conversation. This is about that very thing.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 80 - Published: 1/22/2013 - Complete
The Tale of Duckwhiskers reviews
The Cinderella story without the emphasis on that attention-seeking little madam. Inspired by...to be honest I have no idea. Now slightly re-worked with a better end.
Fiction: Humor - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,211 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 1/20/2013 - Published: 1/19/2013 - Complete
Gettin Singey With It
A silly little poem about choral life.
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 103 - Published: 1/16/2013 - Complete
The Elixir
Vaguely cautionary tale about a not particularly mythical drink. It's not hard to work out what it is. This might get deleted due to being rubbish.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 111 - Published: 1/11/2013 - Complete
Requiem for a Kitty reviews
What is a house cat, but a hairy paperweight?
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 120 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 2 - Published: 1/11/2013 - Complete
The Strange Man Stories: One of the Chosen
The strange man chooses someone. This is a bit of her story. It's not complete and at the moment the ending is a bit of a cop-out. Suggestions on how to end it a bit better would be appreciated. Starting a story is simple, ending it does your brain in.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Fantasy/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,972 - Published: 1/10/2013
The Flickering Light reviews
A poem about the nature of television. It's a bit of pretentious twaddle, but never mind.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 145 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 1/10/2013 - Complete
Climb the Wall
One of those mildly irritating, life-affirming bits of poetry. It's so sappy that I should apologise for it, but...I'm not going to.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Poetry/Spiritual - Chapters: 1 - Words: 47 - Published: 1/9/2013 - Complete
The Strange Man Stories: The Day of the Dare reviews
Once upon a time a man was dare to cross that road. This is that day.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Fantasy/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,574 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 1/2/2013 - Complete
The Sea of Illusion
This story is the result of a weird dream. It's nowhere near complete (miles off in fact). It hasn't even got a proper plot yet! Any ideas/thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,039 - Published: 11/15/2012
An Archer's Plight
A list poem written while on a creative writing course. Essentially it's the thoughts of an archer as they shoot.
Poetry: Life - Rated: K - English - Spiritual - Chapters: 1 - Words: 98 - Published: 6/11/2012 - Complete
The Ballad of Mandy the Chav reviews
Originally intended as a song, this tells of a girl without a clue.
Poetry: Humor - Rated: K+ - English - Poetry/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 218 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 1 - Published: 6/10/2012 - Complete
The Strange Man reviews
A very short tale of a man no-one has met who somehow grants instant fame to those he favours.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 394 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 6/6/2012 - Complete