pen name: epicfail
real name: confidential
Like: reading, writing, hanging with friends and family, sports, tv,
random funny things!!!! and others:
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil. - Jerry Garcia
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
There are three sides of an arguement -- your side, my side and the right side.
Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
Thalia: Shut up or my dad will zap you!
Percy: Shut up or my dad will blast you into seawater!
Annabeth: Shut up or my mom will kill you with wisdom!
Nico: Shut up or I’ll bring you to my dad NOW!
Beckendorf: Shut up or I’ll invent something to kill you!
Travis/Conner: Shut up or you will be as poor as a beggar! (They’d steal everything away.)
Katie: Shut up or I'll make you eat cereal for the rest of your life!
Silena: Shut up or my mom will mess up your love life!
Castor: Shut up or my dad will wrap you with vines!
Clarisse: Shut up. My dad's sharpening his knife.
Chiron: Shut up or my dad will— Oh wait that doesn’t work. Shut up or I and my buddies will have a stampede on you!
You know its going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Education is important. Although school is another matter entirely.
Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Always forgive your enemies, it's the best way to annoy them out of their minds.
I used to be normal, until I met those freaks I now call my best friends.
I ran with scissors and lived!
I don't obsess. I just think intensely.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand a refund.
The knack of flying is attempting to fall . . . and missing the ground.
Somebody needs a happy meal.
Having the love of your life say "we can still be friends," is like your dog dying, and your mom saying you can keep it.
You're just jealous that the little voices are talking to me.
I knew something was wrong when my imaginary friends would talk to me.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense
My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil.
Never knock on Deaths door. Ring the doorbell and run away; he hates that.
Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!Person #2: Too bad the world is round!
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.
Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!
You can't wait for inspiration; you have to go after it with a club.
Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it thinks about dogs.
My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Ooooo . . . A life. Where can I download one?
I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?
The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
The road to success is always under construction.
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
I live in my own little world- but it's ok, they know me there.
Oh, I have a photographic memory... it just hasn't developed yet
I have run into inanimate objects...and then blame them for it
Of course I’m talking to myself. Who else can I trust?
I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter
Sarcasm is your body’s natural defense against stupidity
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?
If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy this to show your awsomeness
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor"--a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck, my friends, for I may not return alive
20 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity 1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if anyone slows down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone is over their caffeine addictions, switch to expresso
6. In the memo field of all your checks write, "For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish all your sentences with "In Accordance to the Prophecy"
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk
10. Order diet water with a serious face whenever you go out to eat
1. Specify that your Drive-Thru order is To Go
12. Sing Along at the opera
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't go to their party because you're not in the mood
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom
17. When money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running and screaming "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go"
20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity, post this on your profile and make somebody smile!
Fifteen things to do in Walmart
1. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals
2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone "Code 3 in warehouses"...see what happens.
4. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&Ms on lay away
5. Move a "CAUTION: WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area
6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell the other customers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, cry and ask "Why can't you people just leave me alone?!"
8. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror, and pick your nose
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are
10. Roam around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme
11. Hide in a clothing rack and when people are browsing say, "Pick me! PICK ME!"
12. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look
13. When an announcement comes on over the loud speaker, jump into the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
14. Go into a fitting room, wait a while, then yell "There's no toilet paper in here!"
15. Grab a bunch of bouncy balls, throw them down the aisle and yell, "Go Pikachu go!'
Favorite Maximum Ride Quotes
"Holy (insert swear word of your choice here.)"-Max-TAE
Gazzy thought. "I have X-ray vision," he said. He peered at ter Borcht's chest, then blinked and looked alarmed.-Gazzy-STWAOES
Nudge tapped one finger against her chin. "Um..." Her face brightened. "I once ate nine Snickers bars in one sitting. Without barfing. That was a record!" "Hardly a special talent," ter Borcht said witheringly. Nudge was offended. "Yeah? Let's see YOU do it." ... ... "I vill now eat nine Snickers bars," Gazzy said in a perfect, creepy imitation of ter Borcht's voice, "visout bahfing."-Nudge, ter Bortch. and Gazzy-STWAOES
Ter Borcht tsked. "You are a liability to your group. I assume you alvays hold on to someone's shirt, yes? Following dem closely?" "Only when I'm trying to steal their dessert"- ter Borhct and Iggy-STWAOES
"Man, you weigh a freaking ton! What have you been eating, rocks?" "Why, is your head missing some?" –Max and Fang-TAE
That was the funniest thing I'd heard in days. "You're kidding, right? Please tell me you have a stronger motive for me than 'fair is fair.' Life isn't fair, Dean...Nothing is fair, ever. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I need to help you because fair is fair? Try, 'I need you to help me so I won't rip out your spine and beat you with it.' I might respond to that. Maybe."–Max-SOF
Max"What I said yesterday didn't mean anything! I love everyone in the flock! Plus, it was the Valium talking!" Fang: "Uh-huh. You just keep telling yourself that. You looove me." Max: (tries to punch him) Fang: "Pick a tree. I'll go carve our initials in it." Max: (screams and runs into bathroom)- Max and Fang-STWAOES
Max: "Fang! This is a huge break! Of course we should go check it out!" Fang: "But we're grounded." Max and Fang: (stare at each other for a second and burst out laughing)-Max and Fang-SOF
"In the dictionary, next to the word stress, there is a picture of a midsize mutant stuck inside a dog crate, wondering if her destiny is to be killed or to save the world. Okay, not really. But there should be." –Max-TAE
"They [Erasers] were bad fliers," Angel chimed in, "And in their minds, they weren't all kill the mutants, like they usually are. They were like, remember to flap!-Angel-SOF
"Jackpot, Max! Jackpot!" It was Fang and he was giggling hysterically. For those of you just joining us, Fang doesn't giggle, especially hysterically.-Max-FANG
"Tell me again what we're doing here," I said, running a continuous scan of our surroundings. Fang popped some Cracker Jack into his mouth. "We're here to watch manly men do manly things." I followed Fang's line of sight: He was watching the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, who were not doing manly things, by any stretch of the imagination.-Max and Fang-STWAOES
"But if you think I'm going to let you give up on us now, you've got another think coming. Yes, you're a blind mutant freak, but you're my blind mutant freak, and you're coming with me, now, you're coming with us right now, or I swear I will kick your skinny white ass from here to the middle of next week. Iggy raised his head. Flashes of light told me that the cops were almost on top of us. Iggy, I need you," I said urgently. "I loveyou. I need all of you, all five of you, to fell whole myself. Now get up, before I kill you." Iggy stood. "Well, when you put it that way..."- Max and Iggy-SOF
Fang grins, "You looove me. (holds out arms) You love me this much."-Fang-STWAOES
Iggy: "What about me?" (stands still) Max: "No, you're visible." Iggy: "Am not!" Max: (throws a pinecone at him) "Could I do that if I wouldn't see you?"-Max and Iggy-MR-TFW
"No," my mom replied, trying to keep a straight face. "She's cooking." Quick, alarmed glances were exchanged among the flock. "Cooking...food?" Nudge asked. I heard someone murmer something about ordering a pizza. -Mrs.Martinez-MAX
Iggy: Can I come in? Max: No! I'm in a towel! Iggy: I'm blind!-Max and Iggy-SOF
Mad crazy, not mad angry, though a lot of them do seem to have anger managment issues, espeically around me. -Max-STWAOES
"Does anyone want to sing 'Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer on the Wall?" "NO!"-Fang and Flock-SOF
"Max: "Okay guys, I had a couple thoughts I wanted to go over with you." Iggy: (pretends to snore loudly) Max: (throws another pinecone at him) Iggy: "Quit throwing things at me!"- Max and Iggy-TFW
"Fang, Fang, Fang. I love you. I love you this much." "Oh, jeez." -Max and Fang-STWAOES
I made one of my famous snap decisions, the kind that everyone remembers later for being either the stupidest dumb-butt thing they ever saw or else the miraculous saving of the day. I seemed to hear more of the first kind. That's gratitude for you.-Max-TAE
"I love Nudge, Nudge is a great kid, but that motor mouth of hers could have turned Mother Teresa into an ax murderer,"-Max-MR-TAE
"How did you know that it wasn't really me?" "She offered to cook breakfast."-Max and Fang-SOF
"Those wacky Brits called fries 'chips'. And potato chips were 'crisps'. And cookies were 'biscuits'. I had no idea what real biscuits were called. Wangdoodles?" Max-StWaOES
You... are...a... fridge...with...wings...We're...freaking...ballet...dancers! Fang-SOF
Fang swerved closer to me, big and supremely graceful, like a black panther with wings. Oh, God. I'm so stupid. Forget I just said that. -Max-MAX
"I feel like pudding, Pudding with nerve endings. Pudding in great pain." -Iggy-TAE
"I vill now destroy de Snickuhs bahs!" -Gazzy-STWAOES
“So there you have it, the extent of my charms: brown hair and eyes like un-barfed chocolate. I'm a lucky girl." – Max-MAX
"Did you leave the flamethrowers lying around again?" "I always forget."- Max and Fang
"Quit what? Breathing?"- Fang-TAE
Reason number 52 why Gazzy wasn't the flock leader-Max-TFW
A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit some friends one evening and time passed quickly as each shared their various experiences of the past year.
She ended up staying longer than planned, and had to walk home alone. She wasn't afraid because it was a small town and she lived only a few blocks away.
As she walked along under the tall elm trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from harm and danger.
When she reached the alley, which was a short cut to her house, she decided to take it.
However, halfway down the alley she noticed a man standing at the end as though he were waiting for her.
She became uneasy and began to pray, asking for God's protection.
Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness and security wrapped round her, she felt as though someone was walking with her.
When she reached the end of the alley, she walked right past the man and arrived home safely.
The following day, she read in the newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same alley just twenty minutes after she had been there.
Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and the fact that it could have been her, she began to weep.
Thanking the Lord for her safety and to help this young woman, she decided to go to the police station.
She felt she could recognize the man, so she told them her story.
The police asked her if she would be willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify him.
She agreed and immediately pointed out the man she had seen in the alley the night before.
When the man was told he had been identified, he immediately broke down and confessed.
The officer thanked Diane for her bravery and asked if there was anything they could do for her.
She asked if they would ask the man one question.
Diane was curious as to why he had not attacked her.
When the policeman asked him, he answered, "Because she wasn't alone. She had two tall men walking on either side of her."
Amazingly, whether you believe or not, you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God?
Even when you can't see Him, GOD is there! Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won’t repost it?