"I want to sleep, but my brain won't stop talking to itself."
"My homework bring's all the Asian's to the yard. And they're like 'It wasn't that hard.'
"I heard you're a player. Nice to meet you, I'm the coach."
"You this read wrong."
"When I die, I want my last word's to be...'I left a million dollar's under the..'"
"The worst feeling is when someone make's you feel special, then suddenly leave's you hanging, and you have to act like you don't care at all."
"Today I went on thesaurus.com and searched for 'ninja's'. The computer told me, 'ninja's cannot be found'. Well played ninja's, well played."
"I don't hate you. I just hope your next period happen's in a shark tank."
"If the people in horror movie's listened to me they'd still be alive."
"That scary moment when the spider that was on the wall 2 second's ago, isn't there anymore."
1. When you open your fridge and there's no food inside.
2. When you're telling your friend something hilarious and they're just like 'You already told me that...'
3. When you're telling a story & you realize no one's listening so you slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything.
4. When someone catches you staring at them.
5. When your friend's make plan's in front of you that don't include you.
I've Done This
"We are best friend's. Alway's remember that if you fall, I will pick you back up...After I finish laughing."
"Wake up in the middle of the night to pee: AVOID ALL MIRROR'S.
Airplane engine make a sudden noise: I'VE LIVED A GOOD LIFE.
Hear thump's while in shower: YOU'RE WHOLE FAMILY IS BEING KILLED AND YOU'RE NEXT.
Turn off all light's before going to bed: OMG, RUN FOR THE BED BEFORE THE DEMON'S GET YOU.
Elevator door doesn't open immediately; TRAPPED FOREVER.
Realize it's too quiet. Where is everyone?: OH GOD, ZOMBIE'S."
"Friend: Haaay wattt r yew doin!?
Me: About to throw a dictionary at your face..."
"I HAVE TEXTED LYING DOWN AND DROPPED MY CELLPHONE ON MY FACE."
If I actually "spoke my mind," I'd be in deep trouble.