Skylair Hernandez
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Joined 02-13-13, id: 900667, Profile Updated: 02-13-13
Author has written 7 stories for Fantasy, and General.

I'm Skylair, I'm 13 and I love Skulduggery Pleasant Series by Derek Landy :D

My taken name is Skylair Hernandez, given name? don't see any point in telling you.

I'm Scottish and I live in Scotland.

I'm on as well, and I write about the Skulduggery Pleasant series. I might also be doing a Twilight story sometime soon. :

QUOTES - all Derek Landy :DD

“Doors are for people with no imagination.” - Skulduggery Pleasant

“Are you going to shoot me?' Vengeous sneered. 'I wouldn't be surprised. What would a thing like you know about honor? Only a heathen would bring a gun to a sword fight.'

And only a moron would bring a sword to a gunfight.” - Skulduggery and Vengeous

“We're not retreating, we're advancing in reverse.' --Skulduggery Pleasant”

“Vengeous scowled. 'As you can see,' he said, 'you are vastly outnumbered.'

I usually am.'

Your situation has become quite untenable.'

It usually does.'

You are within moments of being swarmed by these filthy creatures of undeath and torn apart in a maelstrom of pain and fury.'

Skulduggery paused. 'Okay, that's a new one on me.”

“What is it?' Stephanie whispered.
'That, my dear Valkyrie, is what we call a monster.'
She looked at Skulduggery. 'You don't know what it is, do you?'
'I told you what it is, it's a horrible monster. Now shut up before it comes over here and eats us.”

“Stairs," Valkyrie said, disappointed.

"Not just ordinary stairs," Skulduggery told her as he led the way down. "Magic stairs."


"Oh, yes."

She followed him into the darkness. "How are they magic?"

"They just are."

"In what way?"

"In a magicky way."

She glared at the back of his head. "They aren't magic at all, are they?"

"Not really.” - Valkyrie and Skulduggery

“Kindness suits you."

"Really? I think I'm quite allergic to it.”

“Then I reckon we got ourselves a good old-fashioned standoff." Nobody moved, or said anything, for the next few moments.
"Old-fashioned standoffs are mighty borin” - i agree with Sanguine :P

“It's not that I want you to go, it's just that I don't want you to stay." - China Sorrows

“So he has no head'
'Thats usually what headless means'
'No head at all?'
'Your really not getting the whole headless thing are you?'
'Its just kind of silly even for us...” - Valkyrie and Gordon

“Well, to put it delicately, she has the power to suck out people's brains.” - Skulduggery Pleasant

“Valkyrie patted Fletcher’s arm. “Don’t worry,” she said. “If the bad man comes, I’ll protect you.”
“If the bad man comes,” Fletcher responded, “I’ll bravely give out a high-pitched scream to distract him. I may even bravely faint, to give him a false sense of security. That will be your signal to strike.”
“We make a great team.”
“Just don’t forget to stand in front of me the whole time,” he said.” - Valkyrie and Fletcher

“Valkrie: You are such a moron
Skulduggery: Don''t be jealous of my genius.”

“I need a weapon,” Valkyrie muttered.
“You’re an Elemental with a Necromancer ring, trained in
a variety of martial arts by some of the best fighters in the world,” Skulduggery pointed out. “I’m fairly certain that makes you a weapon.”
“I mean a weapon you hold. You have a gun, Tanith has a sword... I want a stick.”
“I’ll buy you a stick for Christmas.” - Valkyrie and Skulduggery

“Are you taking my hat hostage?” - Skulduggery Pleasant

“You think Bernadette Maguire killed him?”
“Uh… no. She’s, like I said, she’s old.”
“Old people can kill people too.”
“I know, but…”
“She could be a ninja.”
“She’s not a ninja, for God’s sake. She’s somebody’s great grandmother.”
“I want you to think carefully about this, Kenny. Have you ever seen her with a sword?”
“How about throwing stars?”
“This is ridiculous.”
“Have you ever seen her dressed up as a ninja? That would have been my first clue.”
The girl sucked in her cheeks so she wouldn't laugh out loud.” - Skulduggery and Kenny

“We punch people, Valkyrie. That’s who we are. Embrace your inner lunatic. Fun times guaranteed.” - Skulduggery

“Come and have a go, if you think you're hard enough” - Tanith

“tanith: have you called the police?
fergus: they, uh, they said theyd call by this afternoon.
tanith: tell them not to bother... im his doctor.
beryl: what kind of doctor dresses in brown leather?
tanith: the kind that looks good init”

Robert Pattinson quotes:

'Surely, there's another way to get the creepy baby out of her stomach.'

(About Twilight) 'This movie is so stupid.'

(About Stephenie Meyer) 'This woman is crazy.'

'There's a lot of kissing in this film. I noticed that when I was watching. After a while, it made me a little uncomfortable.'

'When you're old and everything, you realise that doing stuff most of the time is probably a bad idea.'

"Sometimes I think, To hell with acting, and then I realize I could be working at a shoe shop, acting is much cooler."

"Im really afraid of getting hit by cars, like terrified of it. Im terrified of crossing streets. Im also very accident-prone...I think people aim for me." -Robert Pattinson

The stuff I find attractive in women I always regret finding attractive. I always like a kind of madness in a woman... I like it when they hate me right from the beginning.

Twelve was a real turning point for me as I moved to a mixed school, and then I became cool and discovered hair gel.

I dont even have peoples phone numbers. I almost dont want to have a girlfriend in this environment.

Robert: (On strange stories written about him) Recently a magazine had on the cover that I was pregnant. I was just like, "Wow!" It was without a hint of irony. I didn't know what to make of that one. I saw a couple of comments under the article saying, "That's why he always wears jackets. He always wears layers to hide it."

Robert: (whether he thought he was a sexy man-beast) I wouldn't be able to say. I don't think I'm much of one. It's funny, it is the secret to any guy - if people find him unattractive or whatever you just get Stephenie Meyer to tell the world, to put on her Web site that this guy is now attractive and everybody changes their minds.

Robert: (Describing his character Edward Cullen in 'Twilight') He's a poet, and very deep and profound. He's just extraordinarily troubled.

Robert: (On being asked how he approached the kissing scenes in 'Twilight') I kinda just approached it from the front.

I was actually having nightmares about it for months in advance, I went to Jasper Conran and picked out the most ridiculous, extravagant clothes - they looked really good in the shop. And then I put them on and I thought: you look such an idiot." On the HP Premiere

I'm just a big, hard tool.

I've got a terrible memory—I end up repeating myself quite a lot. The only thing I can remember is that I'm going to repeat myself!

It sounds lame, but I was really concentrating on this job. It was my first American thing so I was pretty focused. I went to Portland for two months before we starting shooting, and I just didn't talk to anybody for ages during the beginning of the shoot. I never went out, but I kind of broke down half way through. I was like, 'Okay, people are starting to think that I'm actually out of my mind now.

Mythubusters Quotes

"This is where the danger zone happens. When nothing happens for a while, everyone's like, 'Let's get closer. Let's get closer. Let's get closer. Boom! And everyone's dead." - Adam

Tori: What the hell is that thing?
Adam: It's the disco mirror from hell.

"I am satisfied and filthy. Two of my favorite states." - Adam

"Yet another common, everyday item turned deadly." - Jaime

"Well hopefully that's our job, to strap rockets onto everything." - Adam

"This ingredient is made of blur. Hah. And this has some blur in it too. Blur is very dangerous. You don't want to mix blur with blur." - Adam

"This is one of the most wrongity, wrong things we've ever done." - Adam

"Oh, Tori, are we gonna ever have an episode where you don't hurt yourself?" - Kari

Tori: Grant, do you know how long we've wanted one of these?

Grant: Yes.

Tori: And I don't mean a box.

Grant: Plants kinda twitching.

Tori: Cause he knows what's coming.

"If you run into a Hyneman in your house, do not taunt the Hyneman. It's not safe." - Adam

"Just remember, the Hyneman's just as afraid of you as you are of the Hyneman." - Adam

"Stop sparking my ass!" - Adam

"Tub of body latex, $22.00. Tub of gold pigment, $6.00. Watching your friend get naked, covered with gold paint, and then jogging until he passes out...Priceless." - Adam

Jaime: I think I'm in fact, just gonna leave mine totally uncovered.

Adam: [to the camera] Oh really?

Jaime: And I'm gonna kick your goldfish ass.

"Don't mess with me duck. When I say quack, you're gonna quack right? I'm the boss here. Don't give me any beak." - Jaime

Adam: Are you gonna say anything but 'Yep'?

Jaime: Mmmhmm.

Jaime: Well, like, beavers eat wood. That's sort of a wood product.

Adam: Do I look like a beaver to you?

Jaime: Sometimes.

Jaime: [pointing in the direction of the balloon floating away in the sky.] It's going that way.

Adam: [laughs] You're a budding meterologist, Jaime.

Jaime: Jaime wants big boom.
Adam: [laughing] Down boy, down boy.

"For some reason, whenever I see pans, I have the desire to smash them on my head. You ready? See if I can get a perfect face print." - Adam

Adam: I know I love building big things and blowing stuff up, but this is super, super fun.
Jaime: [completely ignoring him] Okay, fishing out a new one.
Adam: He doesn't care

Adam: Stop french-kissing dogs, I think, is our conclusion here.
Jaime: I would be more inclined to say, no french-kissing Adam

Adam: Killer quicksand. Is that why I'm standing here in this stupid pith helmet?

Jaime: No, you're standing there in a stupid pith helmet because you're an idiot.

"I always enjoy seeing Adam in pain." - Jaime

"One way or another, we're going to blow up that damn toilet." - Jaime

"That's all I need is another dummy around this place." - Jaime

"You know, when you start to get dizzy, it's probably time to leave." - Adam

"I was raised up on a farm. Thems varmit bullets." - Jaime

Jaime: That's right. You've got some kind of bogus minister thing.
Adam: It's not a bogus ministry. I've performed a dozen weddings already.

"It just goes to show, do not grab the third rail with both hands and piss on it from three inches away." - Adam

"Adam will use any excuse to run around in his undies, I think." - Jaime

"I reject your reality and substitute my own." - Adam

Jaime: I don't like the pink. It's a little creepy.
Adam: Yeah it's a little creepy but, so is what we do to Buster.

Adam: So it's time to get those vocal cords ready.
Jaime: You think I can yodel?
Adam: I know you can.
Jaime: You think I'm going to yodel?
Adam: No I don't

"We're very lucky out here in the wild. We've see a Hyneman in his natural habitat. Let's be quiet. They scare very easily." - Adam

"Oh, man, it looks like he went down ass first. I think he's got, like avalanche up his butt." - Jaime

"It's wearing off really fast. I mean, either that or I'm getting used to it, which is really disturbing." - Adam

Adam: I think we've created another myth here, Jaime.

Jaime: That skunks won't spray Mythbusters?
Adam: Exactly.

"I wouldn't say Jaime's an evil genius. I'm not sure he's evil, and I'm not sure he's a genius." - Adam

"If you want to play with the big toys, apparently you have to get up really early in the morning." - Adam

"Now remember the safety word is run." - Kari

Grant: So you named your guy there?
Tori: Yes.
Grant: What did you name him?
Tori: Pork-Loinio.
Kari: You did not.
Tori: He is an evil

Tori: Frank, why are you standing so far away?
Frank: Because I want to continue to live.
Tori: So the next question is, why am I standing so close?

"Damn this is a sexy machine!" - Adam

"It's funny what gets us excited, isn't it?" - Jaime

"I'm uncomfortable with all this contact with your groin." - Adam

"But the police are coming, so let's wrap up and get out of here." - Adam

Adam: There's women out there who're going, 'Oh, I wish I was that piece of tape right now.'
Jaime: You think?
Adam: [laughing] I'm sure of it. Raise your hand. Yeah, you.
Jaime: Give me a break.
Narrator: The producers of 'Mythbusters' are not responsible for any marital issues resulting from raised arms.

"Does anybody find it creepy how many 'Grant Robots' have been on the show? Is it just me, or is he trying to like clone himself and make a little army?" - Kari

Jaime: Where'd it go? It's all gone. There's no more truck.
Adam: I swear I left it right here. [laughs] Mythbusters - 1, Cement truck - 0.

"This has got nothing to do with the myth. That's just a big boom." - Jaime

"Oh, I've got a hot ember on my crotch!" - Adam

"I think Jaime's going to be like, doink, doink, doink. And I believe in the security manual, the proper response to that sound coming from your duct is to just riddle your duct with bullets." - Adam

What could go wrong thud nope that’s fine that always happened

I gave up Jesus for lent

I never finish anyth

Have a nice cup of shut the hell up

I love math- 11=11

Trust me. I'm a Jedi.

Jesus Saves- passes to Noah- He shoots! He scooores!

God said to jesus come fourth but he came fifth

Bad spellers of the world, UNTIE!

I reject your reality and substitute my own

Welcome to the dark side. Why are you surprised we lied about the cookies?

Global warming killed Frosty

Screw world peace- I want a pony

The police never think its as funny as we do

Forget love- I'd rather fall in chocolate

Dyslexics have more nuf

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minuet of it.

I don't get drunk, I get awesome

That's what she said

I love cats. But I can't eat a whole one

Stupid Labels

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Copy & Paste this to your profile if you think those are all extremely stupid labels

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Ask for something to eat when over your place
BEST FRIENDS: Raid your fridge

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "THAT WAS AWSOME! LET'S DO IT AGAIN!"

FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Won’t tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when you’re not down anymore.

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when you've been dumped
BEST FRIENDS: Have a shovel at the ready

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your shit and tells you, "My's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story, with real quotes!

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS:Would ignore this letter
BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this crappp!


()_() ()_()
( _ ) ( _ )

(o.O)we are staring you
from behind a fence. we
are stalkers. beware the
stalker bunnies!

Meet the bunnies. they want world domination. help them. repost them on your profile.



1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Pikachu, I choose you!"

24 things to do in an elevator

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead while muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go 'plink' at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, bleeped motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to the other passengers 'through' it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

19 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Drugs".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. dont use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

When you rearrange the letters:

I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird anda freak either behindmy back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace,or talking to a girlfriend on a cellphone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year. I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain. BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is, doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment),who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more, who loves and is obsessed with alot of things, who can express herself better with words than actions, who doesn't need a guy to complete her, and knows the importance of the little things. Copy and paste this onto your account, and add your name to the list, if you are anything like me, so the girls who are different and unique can know in their weakest time that they are unique but not alone.:HarryArtemis1220, edwardcullenissosexy, Pixel Alice, Always Running The Labyrinth, IzzydaWolfeGrrl, YayForMagicDetectivesAndStuff, Skylair Hernandez

98 percent of teenagers do or have tried smoking pot. If you are one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy and paste this to your profile.

95 percent of teenagers are worried about being popular. If you are part of the 5 percent who are not, copy and paste this to your profile.

92 percent of American teenagers would die if Abercrombie and Fitch or Hollister said it was uncool to breath. If you are part of the 8 percent who would stand there and laugh, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you have ever stayed up and read past 4 in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile. (Latest for me is 6am)

If you think Elva is an obnoxious jerk to EVERYONE, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.

Nerds are cool. Nerds are smart. Nerds will one day rule the universe. If you are a nerd and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever fallen up a flight of stairs, copy this, put it in your profile.

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile.

If you think that being unique is better than being cool then put this on your profile.

If you are odd and proud of it put this on your profile.

If you ran up a down escalater copy this into your profile.

99 percent of teens would have a heart attack is facebook and myspace were simultaneously destroyed. If you would be one of the one percent who would be laughing your butt off, or attending a funeral and laughing your butt off, then copy this into your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or the vise versa copy this into your profile.

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.

98 percent of teenagers drink or have been around alcohol, put this in your profile if you like MUFFINS!

If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile

Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried slamming a revolving door.

Why is it considered necessary to naildown the lid of a coffin?

Why don't we ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why dosen't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

If a person with multiple personalities theatens suicide, is that consisdered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed would milk come out of her nose?

So what's the speed of dark?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why people appear bright until you hear them speak?

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

75% of people who read that tried to lick their elbow, and you are now smiling because that's exactly what you did.

Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots

You know it’s going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

Education is important. Although school is another matter entirely.

Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic. In other words, amateurs should do everything.

Music is love in search of words.

Always forgive your enemies, it's the best way to annoy them out of their minds.

I used to be normal, until I met those freaks I now call my best friends.

I ran with scissors and lived!

I don't obsess. I just think intensely.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

When Life gives you lemons, make a bomb. sizzle MY EYES! THEY'RE BEING BURNED BY THE ZESTY LEMON BOMB!

The knack of flying is attempting to fall . . . and missing the ground.

Somebody needs a happy meal.

When life gives you lemons, make lime-ade and let the world wonder how you did it.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
- Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
- Advising the President.
- Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. David Letterman

Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question

The quickest way to a man's heart is not through the stomach but through his chest, with an axe.

Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

(Drawing back a fist) How would you like to donate blood... through your nose?

Order is for idiots, genius can handle chaos

Love is a perky little elf dancing a merry little jig and then, suddenly, he turns on you with a miniature machine gun. matt groening

A rebel with a cause is a hero; a rebel without one is stupid

The secret to life is that there is no secret at all and you don't get your money back.

Save a tree... Eat a beaver

Just when you think you've hit rock bottom, someone goes and throws you a shovel...

Remember, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle

If you were in the street on fire, I'd put you out with gasoline

I remember reading that scientists once believed the universe was made of hydrogen, because it was the most plentiful ingredient found. If that theory holds any truth, then I believe it to be made of stupidity.

Due to management cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel will now be switched off

Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked me in a room to die. Die? I don't want to die. All the mice will get me. Mice? I hate mice. They drive me crazy. Crazy? Once I was crazy. They locked...

Can't sleep clowns will eat me... Can't sleep clowns will eat me... Can't sleep clowns will eat me... Can't sleep clowns will eat me... Can't sleep clowns will eat me...

You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder

When in doubt, make up words

I find the phrase "Good Morning" an oxymoron.

Having the love of your life say "we can still be friends," is like your dog dying, and your mom saying you can keep it.

Your just jealous that the little voices are talking to me.

I knew something was wrong when my imaginary friends would talk to me.

My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense

My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

Never knock on Death’s door. Ring the doorbell and run away; he hates that.

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
Person #2: Too bad the world is round!

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

Therapist = The/rapist . . . Scary thought.

Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!

You can't wait for inspiration; you have to go after it with a club.

Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it thinks about dogs.

My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

Ooooo . . . A life. Where can I download one?

I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?

The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor"--a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck, my friends, for I may not return alive.

Slinky Escalator = Endless Fun!

Sometimes I wonder "why is the frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

When the going gets tough, the tough get duct tape

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Don't take life too seriously, no one gets out alive anyway

This is the stupid test! 100 stupid things that people do! Bold the ones that apply to you!

1. Forgot to put the lid on the blender, turned it on, and had everything fly out
2. Gotten your head stuck between the stair rails
3. Broken a chair by leaning back in it
4. Had gum fall out of your mouth while you were talking (then it got caught in my hair)
5. Choked on your own spit while you were talking
6. Had people tell you that you are blonde when you're not/or had had people tell you that your blonde highlights are going to your head
7. Been caught staring at your crush by your crush him/herself
8. Have looked for something for at least 10 min then realized it was in your hand
9. Tried to push open a door that said pull
10. Tried to pull open a door that said push
11. Have actually believed someone when they said that they knew how to make a love potion
12. Have hit yourself in the process of trying to hit something else
13. Have tripped and fallen UP the stairs
14. Have actually exploded marshmallows in the microwave
15. Have gotten gum stuck in your hair
16. Had gum fall out of your mouth while trying to blow a bubble
17. Have had the juice from a mini tomato squirt out and hit somebody else when you bit into it
18. Have had your drink come out your nose because you were laughing so hard
19. Have called one of your good friends by the wrong name
20. Have skinned your toe because you were playing soccer or kickball with flip flops on or you were barefoot
21. Have put a sticker on your forehead, forgot it was there, and went out in public with it on
22. Have fallen out of a moving vehicle.
23. Have run into a closed door
24. Have almost shot someone with a real gun while trying to shoot something else
25. Searched for your cell phone while you were talking on it
26. It has taken you longer than 5 min to get a joke
27. Have gotten your hair stuck in a blow dryer
28. Have gotten your hair stuck in a fan
29. Tripped on a crack in the sidewalk
30. Said o'clock after saying how many min after the hour, example: 5:30 o'clock, or 6:15 o'clock
31. After someone told you that there was gum on the ground, you stepped in it
32. Put on a white shirt even though you already knew it was raining outside
33. Have ever walked up to a stranger because you thought they were someone else
34. Ever been kicked out of a grocery store/off their property
35. Touched the stove, the curling iron, a hot pan, etc on purpose even though you knew it was hot
36. Picked out your change of clothes, took off the ones you had on and then accidentally put the old clothes back on
37. Wondered why something wasn't working then realized it wasn't plugged in
38. Put the cereal in the fridge, or put the milk in the cupboard
39. Walked into a pole
40. Wore two different earrings or shoes by accident
41. Put your shirt on backwards/inside-out without realizing it then left your house
42. Tried to take a picture of your/someone's eye with the flash on
43. Gotten a ring stuck on your finger because you put it on even though you knew it was too small
44. Walked out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe without realizing it
45. Went to go do something/go get something, then when you got there forgot what is was that you were going to do.
46. Picked up someone else's drink and drank out of it by accident when your drink was right next to it.
47. Fallen out of your chair while trying to pick something up
48. Have poked yourself in the eye
49. Have gotten in the shower with your socks still on
50. Melted your hairbrush while blow drying your hair
51. Have done enough stupid things to make a test
52. Have accidentally stabbed yourself with a pencil
53. Have sung the wrong verse to a song without realizing it
54. Have given an odd answer to a question because you didn't hear the question in the first place and didn't feel like asking what it was.
55. Told someone you were the wrong age because you seriously forgot how old you were
56. Looked into an overhead light purposefully while it was on
57. Got up early and got ready for school/work/meeting, then realized that you didn't have school/work/meeting that day.
58. Have tripped on a cord after someone told you to watch out for it
60. Have ever laughed at a joke that no one else thought was funny or a movie
61. Done the Macarena to the electric slide or vice versa
62. Said funner, then had someone make fun of you for it
63. Have repeated yourself at least twice in the same sentence
64. Brought up an inside joke with the wrong person
65. Didn't do the backside of an assignment because you thought that there wasn't one or because you had already looked and forgot that there was another side
66. Did more work than you had to on an assignment because you didn't read the directions
67. Corrected someone's grammar/pronunciation then figured out that you were the one that was wrong
68. Put something in a special place so that you would remember where it was, then forgot where you put it
69. Put ice in your drink after the glass was full of liquid and had it splash out.
70. Told a lie then forgot what it was that you had said and got caught
71. When wearing goggles, you pulled them away from your face and let go so that they would come back and snap you in the face
72. Forgot to make sure that the lamp was off before you replaced the light bulb
73. Ran into a door jam
74. Told someone that you hardly ever do stupid things, then immediately did/said something stupid
75. Told someone to watch out for something, then you were the one that ran into it
76. Have purposely licked playground sand
77. Have purposely and repeatedly flicked yourself with a rubber band
78. Gotten so hyper that someone actually thought you were drunk when you weren't
79. Have been so hyper you actually scared people
80. Put duct tape on your body then pulled it off to see if it would pull your hairs out
81. Put duct tape on your hair/someone else's hair then pulled it off
82. Put a clothes pin/hair clip on your lip, figured out that it hurt, then did it again
83. Sat and wondered why men’s dress shirts have a loop on the back.
84. Made up a code name for someone so that you could talk about them to someone else and no one else would know who you were talking about
85. Have gotten a hairbrush stuck in your hair
86. Used the straw to blow the straw wrapper at someone
87. Shaved your tongue because you thought your taste buds looked weird
88. When at a restaurant/cafeteria, you used your spoon to fling stuff at people
89. Have flung forks at people in a restaurant/cafeteria
90. Sucked on a cup and got a hickey from it.
91. As you were writing, you moved your head back and forth with your pen/pencil
92. Have drawn finger puppets on your fingers then named them
93. Have wrapped someone in a roll of toilet paper
94. Have used somebody else's toothbrush without even realizing it wasn't yours
95. Started telling a story and forget what you were talking about or what happened in the story
96. When you saw a ‘beware of dog’ sign, you told the owners to beware of the dogs not realizing they owned the dogs
97. You have spelled your own name wrong before
98. When lying in bed you look for pictures in the texture of the ceiling.
99. Have used your calculator as a form of communication in class
100. Have popped a balloon in your mouth.

Life's tough...Get a helmet

I stopped fighting my inner demons... We're on the same side now!

SHUT UP VOICES!! or I'll poke you with the Q-tip again...

If Barbie's So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends

Life's Greatest Pleasure Is Doing What People Tell You Not To Do

Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died

Everyone Is Entitled To Their Own Opinion, It Just That Your's Is Stupid

Man Invented Language To Satisfy Their Deep Need To Complain

Magic is the stuff Science hasn't made boring yet!

My WEREWOLF can beat up your VAMPIRE!!

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

"Obstacles are put in our way to see if what we want is really worth fighting for."

"Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you."

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling

The road to success is always under construction.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.

I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

"If you don't understand my silence, then you won't understand my words."

Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? i just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn soda."

I dream of a better world...where chickens can cross roads without having their morals questioned.

"The greener grass on the other side is probably just artificial turf."

"Nothing worse than getting your pigtails shot off..."

"Nobody move! I dropped my brain."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"He who laughs last didn't get it."

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

-When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

I had my soul removed to make room for sarcasm and I don't regret it.

-Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.

-Hello. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are, where you are from, and what you want so there is no need to leave a message.

-An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

-Silence is golden, duct tape is silver

-One day we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject

-You know, 1/7 people have fallen of there nut. Look at 6 of your friends, and if they're all good, IT"S YOU!

-Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk. They spend the second part telling us to sit down and shut-up

-When somebody annoys you, it takes up 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to reach out and punch the hell outa them. You can do so 10 times and still have 2 muscles to waste! BARGAINBARGAINBARGAIN

-Be insane. Well behaved girls are no fun to read about

--If you can't BEAT them, JOIN them

If you can't JOIN them, BRIBE them

If you can't BRIBE them, BLACKMAIL them

If you can't BLACKMAIL them, KILL them

If you can't KILL them, your SCREWED

--I had a friend once. Then his rope broke and he ran for it

-I took the less traveled road... NOW WHERE THE HECK AM I?

-DO NOT HIT KIDS!! No, seriously. They have guns now.

Life sucks and then you die. get over it.

-Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

-Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.

-The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

-I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor doesn’t exist.

-If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

-Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are the same number of letters?

-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them?

-There are no stupid questions – just a bunch of inquisitive idiots.

-Politics is war without bloodshed. War is politics with bloodshed.

-High School Musical 3 and Saw V were the two top movies at the box office when they opened. One depicted gruesome on screen torture. The other was about a guy with a saw.

It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

-People say satire is dead. It’s not dead. It’s alive and living in the White House.

-I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

-I do not deny everything.

-Sometimes the mind, for reasons we do not necessarily understand, just decides to go into storage.

Isn't it ironic . . . we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us

-Don't follow in my footsteps . . . I run into walls.

-Do you want to know why I'm still on earth? Heaven kicked me out and hell is afraid I'll take over...

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you

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The Pregnancy Project by myheart4you reviews
I never really understood what the big deal of teen pregnancy was. You know, "it'll ruin your life" or something. But I didn't think so. So, for a class project, I got pregnant on purpose. I had it all planned out. I was going to find out what people at school thought of me, have the baby, give it up for adoption, and then present the project and get an A. Things aren't that easy.
Fiction: Young Adult - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 38 - Words: 64,645 - Reviews: 599 - Favs: 162 - Follows: 205 - Updated: 8/11/2014 - Published: 2/2/2013
Chayla by kristy267 reviews
Chayla hasn't always had a nice life, and things don't look up for the sixteen year old when she's sent to Grove Hospital, a mental hospital in the middle of nowhere. In between trying to take her life, Chayla falls in love and ruins a doctor's evil schemes. Chayla had no idea attempting to commit suicide would lead her into a world that would force her to fight for her life...
Fiction: Young Adult - Rated: T - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 9 - Words: 19,316 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 6/25/2013 - Published: 3/6/2013
Catch Me, Cowboy by kentuckygirl145541 reviews
Casey, 17 and pregnant, gets sent to live with a friend of her mom's on a ranch in Texas. Ryder, the woman's 19 year old son, instantly falls head over cowboy boots for the brown eyed beauty. But, can he still love her when he finds out her secret?
Fiction: Romance - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 27 - Words: 35,635 - Reviews: 170 - Favs: 173 - Follows: 135 - Updated: 1/17/2011 - Published: 11/28/2007 - Complete
Sunday's Child by chocohound reviews
Lucy, a sixteen year old pastor's daughter, discovers she is pregnant...
Fiction: General - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 28 - Words: 40,934 - Reviews: 64 - Favs: 60 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 2/22/2007 - Published: 3/27/2006 - Complete
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A beam Of Light In A Cold, Dark Night reviews
Aiofe, a wayward 15 year old girl, now a victim of rape finds herself all alone in the world, her only company is the bundle of cells inside her and the ghosts that plough through her head every night as she sleep. Luckily for Aiofe, help can be found in the unlikeliest of places.
Fiction: General - Rated: T - English - Family - Chapters: 5 - Words: 28,535 - Reviews: 1 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 5/22/2014 - Published: 5/27/2013
Never Say Goodbye
I don't like being vulnerable, it allows small, insignificant fears to flourish an' grow. An' without you to hold me in strong arms an' whisper sweet, comfortin' nothin's to me, surely I would go insane, an' after a year o' being alone, maybe I have. Maybe I have succumbed to my fears o' the insignificant. One-shot. Monologue
Fiction: General - Rated: K+ - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,013 - Published: 8/21/2013
Alone With Him
Jenny is left to baby sit her baby brother for the first time. But it's blowing a storm outside and he won't stop crying. One-shot.
Fiction: General - Rated: K+ - English - Family/Suspense - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,073 - Published: 3/13/2013 - Complete
The McCainstein Curse reviews
Charlotte McCainstein is no ordinary 2 year old. A vampire gene has been passed down her family from generation to generation. Most people experience the 'surge' around the age of 20. Charlotte appears to be progressing at an average rate but her parents insist on keeping an eye on her as the have already lost 3 children to the McCainstein curse. Eleanor (mum) and John (dad) think
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Mystery/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 806 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 2/13/2013
The Bitter-sweet taste reviews
Atlantis and Vevere are best friends, they are wolves. Sworn enemies of Chimeras, otherwise knows an Kronadors.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 783 - Reviews: 1 - Published: 2/13/2013
A Cloth of Innocence
Akhilleus is a wolf, he lives in Edhanastia. His kind have a sworn enemy, Cerberus panthers. What happens when Akhilleus, just a pup, encounters a strong, adult panther?
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 621 - Published: 2/13/2013 - Complete
Ride of The Valkyries
Based on Norse Mythology. Vlandimeer DubhGilla is a Vampire who gets into Valhalla after receiving what would be a fatal injury in a battle. He falls in love with Valkyrie, Aislinn Arras. It's great in Valhalla, but he soon finds a problem when he starts thirsting for blood.
Fiction: Fantasy - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,399 - Published: 2/13/2013 - Complete