Author has written 2 stories for Life, and Nature.
Name: im not telling you
Gender: FEMALE AND PROUD OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Date of Birth: im immortal
Description: two eyes, one nose, two, legs, two arms, one mouth, an aura of awesomeness, black devil wings...I think you get the picture
Age: why should I tell you that?
Hobbies: piano, killing, reading, piano, killing, reading, piano, killing, reading, piano, killing, reading, piano, killing, reading, piano, killing, reading, piano, killing, reading, piano, killing, reading, piano, killing, reading, piano, killing, reading, piano, killing, reading, piano, killing, reading, piano, killing, reading,
Likes: moon, artemis, hunting, killing, reading, music
Hates: science, boys(although fictional crushes are okay :) ), centipedes, sun
Insults and Random Stuff:
I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter statement than that.
I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.
If you're gonna be a smartass, first you have to be smart. Otherwise you're just an ass.
I could remove 90 percent of your beauty with a wet Kleenex.
Guys like you are why girls turn lesbian.
Some people bring happiness wherever they go; you bring happiness whenever you go.
When was the last time you saw your whole body in the mirror?
Wow... [Look them up and down] God must hate you.
Boys are like Slinkies. Practically useless, and yet it is so amusing to watch them fall down the stairs.
Maybe if you ate some of that makeup you could be pretty on the inside.
I thought you were attractive, but then you opened your mouth.
This music is slightly more tolerable than listening to a fat man's wet fart.
I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you. Your just not laughing.
The difference between brilliance and stupidity is that brilliance has its limits.
All people have the right to stupidity; some just abuse that privilege.
Practice makes perfect, but since nobody's perfect, why practice?
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned
I like you. When I rule the universe, your death will be quick and probably painless
Whoever said that nothing is impossible has obviously never tried to read a blank page
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, “Well, that’s not going to happen.”
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.
Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.
All you need to grow fine, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.
The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.
Tell a someone there are 300 billion stars in the universe and they’ll believe you. Tell them a bench has wet paint on it and they’ll have to touch it to be sure.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting.
The best way to keep children home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere . . . and let the air out of the tires.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called New Car Interior
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early
If at first you don't succeed, change the rules.
Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead.
Impossibilities of the world
10 Things I Know About You
1. You are reading this
2. You are human
3. You can't say the letter "p" without separating your lips
4. You just attempted to do it
6. You are laughing at yourself
7. You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5
8. You just checked to see if there is a No. 5
9. You laugh at this because you are a fool and everyone does it
10. You are probably gonna share this and see who else falls for it
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.
There was a robot invented in China that catches thieves. In Australia it caught 10 thieves, in America it caught 100, in France 1000, and in Romania, somebody stole the robot.
I have six locks on my door in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long someone stands there picking locks, they are always locking three.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.
It is a bad idea to argue with a fool (an idiot). The idiot will win not because he is right, but because he gets into verbal arguments all the time and has therefore become skilled at them.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.
Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe.
Love My Mommy:
When you were 5, your mom gave you a ice cream cone. You thanked her by yelling at her that it's the wrong kind.
When you were 9, your mom drove you from swimming class to soccer and one birthday party to another. You thanked her by slamming the door and never looking back.
When you were 10, your mom paid for piano classes. You thanked her by never coming to class.
When you were 12, your mom was waiting for a very important call. You thanked her by talking on the phone all night.
When you were 14, your mom paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked her by not bothering to write a single letter.
When you were 16, your mom taught you how to drive her car. You thanked her by taking it every chance you got.
When you were 17, your mom drove you to the mall and gave you her credit card. You thanked her by maxing it out.
When you were 18, your mom cried at your high school graduation. You thanked her by partying until dawn.
When you were 20, your mom drove you to collage. You thanked her by saying good-bye to her outside the drom so you wouldn't have to say bye in front of your friends.
When you were 26, your mom paid for your wedding. You thanked her by moving halfway across the world.
When you were 30, your mom fell ill and needed you to take care of her. You thanked her by reading about the burden parents became to children.
Then, one day, she quietly died and everything you did came crashing down on you.
If YOU love your mom, re-post this.
I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book.
I am the girl that people look through when I say something.
I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal.
I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face.
I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cell phone or regular phone.
I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year.
I am the girl that has stopped to smell the flowers and jump and splash in the rain.
BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is
Who doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment)
Who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more
Who hates and isn't obsessed with Twilight
Who even though she wears all black, will crack up with her best friend when she needs cheering up
Who can express herself better with words than actions
Who doesn't need a guy to complete her
And who knows the importance of the little things.
Copy and paste this onto your account, and add your name to the list, if you are anything like me, so the girls who are different and unique can know in their weakest time that they are unique but not alone: Iheartjake1220, FaerieRose13, Dancer4Life15, Marigold Winters, SparklingTopazEyes, 7HockeyStarVampireObsessed7, Alice Diana Brenner, Shadows on a Love-Struck Soul, J.Gabrielle, WanderingShadowlight, No1butjoe, Nicole Roza Ozera, And Pidgons Fly35, EnglandPoland, Rosie Luvs Choccie,PrincessOfWisdom-AnnabethChase, I am a naiad glad to serve you, AmandaDaughterOfHades, DarkHorseBlueSky, catlover2976, Your.Worst. Nightmare.1090
If you have ever had a dream involving any fictional character (yours or someone else’s), copy and paste this into your profile.
If you’ve been on the computer for hours on end, reading numberous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile.
If you should be doing homework right now, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you spend multiple hours each day reading and/or writing, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever been so oobsessed with something everyone became scared of you because of its effects, copy and paste this into your profile. (teeheehee…FANFICTION!!!)
If Fanfiction is to you what MySpace is to other people, copy this into your profile.
A large percentage of writers don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. If you are one of the ones that do and want to give them a long lecture on the subject, put this in your profile.
If you’re sick of people who don’t use spellcheck or grammar check or even just the plain old reread-through to find el obvio errors, copy and paste this into your profile.
IF YOU THINK THAT WRITING FANFICTION IS FUN EVEN THOUGH MOST OF YOUR FRIENDS SILENTLY DISAGREE AND/OR AUDIBLY TELLS YOU IT’S STUPID, COPY AND PASTE THIS!
If you have ever written an actual book of your own WHICH IS YOURS PURELY AND ORIGINALLY and then at any time caught yourself wondering why you were thinking about writing fanfiction for your own book, then called yourself crazy because DUH, all you gotta do is just slip that into your book, because you are the actual author and owner and creator –– if you've done that, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are against “book butchering” –– what happens when movie companies take a popular book and make it into a movie that totally sucks (*cough Percy Jackson cough cough Eragon cough*) –– copy and paste this into your profile. Add your own coughing suggestions if you have any. I can’t think of any more.
If your profile is longer than the chapters of most of your stories, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If your profile is way too long and filled with unnecessary stuff, copy and paste this into it to make it even longer and more unnecessary!
If you read people’s profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.
If your profile is so long that you have a table of contents at the beginning of your profile, copy and paste this into the “Copy and Paste” section.
If you are aware of the fact that some people really hate long profiles, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you have too many of these copy/paste things in your profile and don’t care who dislikes it, copy this into your profile.
If you are sick of people talking about Twilight, copy this into your profile.
If you have never read/watched Twilight and have no intention of doing so because it sounds stupid (even to someone who writes fanfics about Santa Claus), copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think Nico di Angelo is the most awesome character in the history of mythological fiction, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think Percy Jackson is a jerk sometimes (especially when dealing with a certain child of Hades), copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are one of the few teenage girls who is annoyed out of their minds by One Direction, or as I (and all my followers should) call them, Wrong Direction, please copy and paste this onto your profile and BE A NONCONFORMIST!!!
If you regret that you were a devoted Directioner for, like, three weeks and during those three weeks bought all of their songs, which are now permanently recorded into your iTunes account, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you are absolutely DRIVEN UP THE WALL by those copy/paste things that have some creepy story and then something that says something like, “If you do not repost this within twenty-four hours the girl from this story will come and strangle you during the night” and like to NOT repost them just for the rebellious fun of waking up the next morning thinking, “Nope. Still here”, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are absolutely DRIVEN UP THE WALL by ads and click the block ads button every single time you come on fanfiction.net, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you didn’t know that there was a block ads button until you read this, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you just scrolled down to the bottom of the page and pressed the button that reads “Ads” and then clicked the block ads button, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are smiling because there are now no more ads and will be none for twenty four hours, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you’re brain’s like an iPod on Shuffle Repeat, constantly playing the same song over and over and over and then suddenly switching to one that’s completely different at no particular time, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever walked into a room and then wondered why you were there, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever zoned out for five consecutive minutes or more, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever wondered why something wasn’t working and then, and only after somebody else pointed it out to you, you realized it wasn’t plugged in, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are the kind of person that gets really excited when you get, like, two reviews, add this to your profile. (*AHEM*)
If you love chocolate, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that chocolate should have its own food group, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that chocolate should not only have its own food group but also be classified as diet food, copy and paste this into your profile.
If the McDonald’s clown scares the crud out of you, copy and paste this onto your profile.
I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren’t two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren’t two footballs feetballs? And why is one sheep a sheep and two sheep still sheep and one fish a fish and two fish still fish? People call me crazy (which I very might be) but I’m just random! If you’re random (or can be at times) and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile! RANDOMTIVITY USERS UNITE!
If you have ever just wanted to slap someone for no explainable reason, copy this into your profile.
If certain inanimate objects just seem to hate you (STUPID TOASTER) copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever threatened your computer, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have embarrassing memories that make you want to smack yourself/someone else, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever (accidentally or purposely) stabbed yourself and/or someone else with a pencil, copy and paste this into your profile.
If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word with less than four letters, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you’re a girl who’s tired of people assuming that just because you’re a girl you love pink and can’t fight to save your life, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you’re wearing pants right now, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you’re wearing underwear right now, copy and paste this into your profile. (There better be a lot of people copying & pasting this.)
If you have no life, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are still reading, know that you have no life and that you should copy and paste this.
If you still have to think “righty tighty, lefty loosy” when opening, well, anything, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever said something that had nothing to do with your current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever gone to a sports game, or involuntarily participated in gym class, and at any time looked around and wondered if you were the only sane person in the room, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever tried to lick your elbow, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you just tried to lick your elbow after reading the previous, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever choked on your own spit copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or pulled on a door that said push, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think that those stupid kids should just give that poor rabbit some Trix just to make him shut up, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP sign, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.
If your English teacher has ever had to tell you to stop reading in class, copy this into your profile.
Teenage girls who are NOT in love with Edward Cullen and/or Jacob Black are fast becoming an endangered species. If you are part of this endangered species and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you get way too excited for books, movies, etc. to come out, copy this into your profile.
If you have friends that fit the descriptions of satyrs or half-bloods, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you openly tell them so and they know not to call you weird for it, because you do it all the time and to everybody, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.
If one part of you is calm and the other part likes to stand on its head and sing theme songs, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you're an honor roll student that still occasionally needs the alphabet to remember the letters' orders, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you're in advanced math (for your grade level) and yet occasionally still need your fingers to subtract seven from thirteen, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you sometimes DO annoy people just for the heck of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever written stuff on your car windows when they're coated in condensation, copy this into your profile.
If you can think of at least one person you would like to push down a well, copy this into your profile.
If you wish that fictional characters were real copy and paste this into your profile.
If you really have no idea how this copy and pasting stuff started, but enjoy it anyway, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you realize that copying and pasting things into your profile is pointless (but fun), and you do it anyways, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have read every single one of these up to here, award yourself 5 points and copy this somewhere into your profile.
If you like being utterly random copy and paste this on your profile
If you have ever laughed so hard you either choked, hyperventilated, had your sides cramp, or all of the above copy and paste this on your profile.
If you think Goldilocks should be arrested for breaking and entering and the bears should have reported her, copy this into your profile.
Pluto was declared a planet no longer on August 27 of 2006 just because it was "too small" and "off its orbit" for a couple scientists' likings. If you still think Pluto should be a planet, copy and paste this into your profile. (Well, I'm small AND off orbit, in comparison to everyone else that is. That doesn't mean I'm not a person! That's my reason for agreeing _)
If you actually know what a semicolon is, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are actually wasting your time being a stalker and reading my profile, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you highly loathe football, copy and paste this to your profile
Just because she once liked Percy doesn't make her the worst girl in the series! If you think people should stop hating on Rachel Dare, copy and paste
If you have inside jokes...with yourself...copy and paste this into your profile
If you have ever thought of something funny, started laughing, and fell & hit your head on something hard, and ended up laughing harder than you were before, copy and paste this into your profile
If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your profile
If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile
If you still have to think 'righty tighty, left loosy' when opening, well, anything, copy this into your profile.
If you know the longest word in the English language, copy and paste this to your profile
If you know the meaning of 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis', copy and paste this to your profile
If you knew 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis' was a word, copy and paste this to your profile
If you knew 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis' is the longest word in the English language, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you don't even bother copy-pasting anymore because your profile has reached lengths that are incapable of loading by your clunker computer, copy and paste this to your profile
For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you laugh uncontrollably at your own jokes. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumbwar with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings, print them off and tape them to your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is when you laugh when nothing's funny.Crazy is when you crack up if someone says "Oatmeal!". Crazy is when you forget what you're saying in the middle of a sentence. Crazy is when you take the time to write down stuff like this and memorize it. Crazy is when your are going through this as a checklist. Crazy is when you quote Charlie the Unicorn at random moments. Crazy is when you're crazy. Crazy is when start talking nonsense everyday during gym. Crazy is when you convince your friends you're 'amazing' because you can't stop laughing even when nothing is funny. And then all of you convince the nearest adult that you're having a breakdown. Crazy is when you trip up the stairs, and laugh all the way back down them. Crazy is when it is last day of school you scream and run around in circles. Crazy is when you get drunk on air and laugh during the saddest part of the movie. Crazy is when you pick up a stick and run around screaming, "I'm a pixie!". Crazy is when you eat your friend's chocolate bar and tell them that the Purple Sandwich Monster did it. Crazy is when you hug people who hate being hugged every two minutes. Crazy is when after you watch a movie, you search it on Wikipedia. Crazy is when you say "Narwhals are just Unicorns in disguise! I swear!". Crazy is if you have a fangirl moment when reading a book. Crazy is when you do things to people just so they think you're weird. Crazy is mixing all the soda's you can find. Crazy is constantly drawing circles on your arm. Crazy is becoming best friends with people you barely know. Crazy is reading a sad book just to cry and ending up laughing like a maniac. Crazy is when you have a friend who writes you a note about a crazy stalker dog instead of taking math notes. Crazy is when you put on a straitjacket willingly. Crazy is when you respond to someone calling you crazy by saying, "I know. Does it make me look too sane?" Crazy is when you shout during movie previews for the new Twilight "Gimme a gummy bear, Glitter Man!" Crazy is when you run around the house wielding the scented Febreeze Odor Eliminator and yelling "I'm the smelly sparkle fairy! Smell my sparkles!" Crazy is when you steal the art teacher's paint and squirt silver glitter paint onto your hands just because you want glittery hands all day. If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list!
92% of the teenage population would die if Abercrombie and Fitch said it wasn't cool to breathe anymore. Put this into your profile if you are among the 8% who would be laughing their butts off.
90% of the teenage population would die if MySpace had a system failure and was completely and permanently destroyed. If you are among the 10% who would be laughing (or had hacked the site in the first place and would be reclining in a chair with a proud smirk on your face), copy and paste this into your profile.
95% of teens would panic if Edward Cullen was on a 250-foot building, ready to jump. Copy and paste this if you are among the 5% who would be eating popcorn and shouting, "DO A FLIP!"
97% of teens would scream their heads off if Harry Potter was standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump. If you are among the 3% who would be chanting, "Jump, jump, jump..." put this into your profile.
95% of teenagers are concerned about being popular. If you are among the 5% who could not care less, put this into your profile and add your name to the list: Queen S of Randomness 016, Queen B of Randomness 016, AnimieKittyCaffe, The Gypsy Pirate Queen, That Bloody Demon, The Astrology Nerd, Shadow 929, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Yavie Aelienel, Hyperactively Bored, Spymaster E, Shanny-Boo, Gem W, Brown-eyed angelofmusic, piratesswriter/fairy to be, Bara-Minomoto, Em Quagmire, Buffy The Mary-Sue Slayer, Random Little Writer, Larxene II, TeamStarKidPotter, DarkAngel382, Olives-and-Owls, Daughterofthehunt, DarkHorseBlueSky, Your.Worst.Nightmare.1090
93% of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're among the 7% who would laugh and reply with the question, "What was your first clue?", copy and paste this into your profile.
98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're among the 2% who hasn't, copy and paste this into your profile.
95% of girls would cry uncontrollably if Justin Beiber was kidnapped. Copy and paste this into your profile if you would be among the 5% who would be poking your new prisoner with a sharp stick!
65% of teenagers spend more time watching TV rather than reading. If you are among the 35% percent who read more than watch TV, copy and paste this into your profile.
15% of every high school population is considered "popular". 20% are desperate to become a part of the popular 15%. 20% couldn't care less. 15% realize that popularity doesn't matter. 10% are too busy worrying about their grades to care. 5% are goths, another 5% can speak another language fluently, and yet another 5% are too stupid to realize that no one likes them. If you are a part of the 5% who think the 'unpopular' 85% should rebel against the popular 15%, copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Your.Worst.Nightmare.1090
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was black. When I grew up I was black. When I'm sick I'm black. When I go in the sun I'm black. When I'm cold I'm black. When I die I'll be black. "But you, sir, when you're born you're pink. When you grow up you're white. When you're sick, you're green. When you go in the sun you turn red. When you're cold you turn blue. And when you die you turn purple. And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
COPY AND PASTE THIS IF YOU HATE RACISM!!!
School – 1953 vs 2013:
Scenario: Jack goes rabbit shooting before school, pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.
1953: Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.
2013: School goes into lock down, Star Force called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1953: Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2013: Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1953: Robbie sent to office and given six of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2013: Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Robbie has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1953: Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2013: Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1953: Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.
2013: Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1953: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2013: Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.
1953: Ants die.
2013: Star Force, Federal Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1953: In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2013: Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
...What kind of sick world do we live in!?
Another awesome thing against racism:
This happened on TAM airlines.
A 50-something year old white woman arrived at her seat and saw that the passenger next to her was a black man.
Visibly furious, she called the air hostess.
"What's the problem, ma'am?" the hostess asked her
"Can't you see?" the lady said, "I was given a seat next to a black man. I can't seat here next to him. You have to change my seat!"
"Please, calm down, ma'am," said the hostess. "Unfortunately, all the seats are occupied, but I'm still going to check if we have any."
The hostess left and returned some minutes later.
"Ma'am, as I told you, there aren't any empty seats in this class –– economy class. I spoke to the captain and he confirmed that there isn't any empty seats in the economy class. We only have seats in the first class."
And before the woman said anything, the hostess continued.
"Look, it is unusual for our company to allow a passenger from the economy class change to the first class. However, given the circumstances, the commandant thinks that it would be a scandal to make a passenger travel sat next to an unpleasant person."
And turning to the black man, the hostess said,
"Which means, sir, if you would be so nice to pack your handbag, we have reserved you a seat in the first class..."
And all the passengers nearby, who were shocked to see the scene, started applauding, some standing on their feet.
COPY AND PASTE IF YOU'RE AGAINST RACISM!!!
See that boy doing his homework in homeroom? Last night he talked his friend out of suicide.
See that girl you just called fat? She is starving herself.
See that old man you made fun of because of his ugly scars? He fought for our country.
See that young boy you just made fun of for always being sick? He has to walk home in the snow because his family is too poor.
See that girl you made fun of for wearing too much makeup? You made fun of her for not wearing it too.
See that boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. He doesn't need more at school.
See that guy you just made fun of for crying? He found out that his mother is terminally ill.
See that boy you just called stupid? He has disabilities and studies for hours and hours every night.
See that girl you just called ugly? She spends every cent of her money on clothes and makeup, just so people will like her.
There's a lot more to people than you see on the outside.
Post this on your profile if you're against bullying, anywhere and everywhere.
I bet a lot of you won't.
Month One Mommy I am only 2 inches long but I have all my organs. I love the sound of your voice. Every time I hear it I wave my arms and legs. The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.
Month Two Mommy today I learned how to suck my thumb. If you could see me you could definitely tell that I am a baby. I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though. It is so nice and warm in here.
Month Three You know what Mommy I'm a boy! I hope that makes you happy. I always want you to be happy. I don't like it when you cry. You sound so sad. It makes me sad too and I cry with you even though you can't hear me.
Month Four Mommy my hair is starting to grow. It is very short and fine but I will have a lot of it. I spend a lot of my time exercising. I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes and stretch my arms and legs. I am becoming quite good at it too.
Month Five You went to the doctor today. Mommy, he lied to you. He said that I'm not a baby. I am a baby Mommy, your baby. I think and feel. Mommy, what's abortion?
Month Six I can hear that doctor again. I don't like him. He seems cold and heartless. Something is intruding my home. The doctor called it a needle. Mommy what is it? It burns! Please make him stop! I can't get away from it! Mommy! HELP me!
Month Seven Mommy I am okay. I am in Jesus's arms. He is holding me. He told me about abortion. Why didn't you want me Mommy?
Every abortion is . . . One more heart that was stopped. Two more eyes that will never see. Two more hands that will never touch. Two more legs that will never run. One more mouth that will never speak.
If you're against abortion, re-post this.
Don't be afraid to cry.
If you are like me and think abortions are cruel, wrong, and should become illegal, copy and paste this into your profile. No child deserves to die.
This is a true story:
Her dad was a drunk
Her mom was an addict
Her parents kept her
Locked in an attic
Her only friend was a little toy bear
It was old and worn out
And had patches of hair
She always talked to it
When no one's around
She lays there and hugs it
Not a peep of sound
Until her parents unlock the door
Some more and more pain
She'll have to endure
A bruise on her leg
A scar on her face
Why would she be
In such a horrible place?
But she grabs her bear
And softly cries
She loves her parents
But they want her to die
She sits in the corner
Quiet but thinking,
"Please God, why is
My life always sinking?"
Such a bad life
For a sad little kid
She'd get beaten and beaten
For anything she did
Then one night
Her mom came home high
And the poor child was beaten
As hours went by
Then her mom suddenly
Grabbed for a blade
It was sharp and pointy
One that she made
She thrusted the blade
Right in her chest,
"You deserve to die
You worthless piece of s!"
The mom walked out
Leaving the girl slowly dying
She grabbed her bear
And again started crying
Police showed up
At the small little house
Then quickly barged in
Everything quiet as a mouse
One officer slowly
Opened a door
To find the little girl
Lying dead on the floor
It must have been bad
To go through so much harm
But at least she died
With her best friend in her arms
(add this to your profile if you're against child abuse)
My name is Tiffany
I am three
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,
I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better
I wish I weren’t ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.
I can’t do a wrong
I can’t speak at all
Or else I'm locked up
All day long.
When I'm awake
I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren’t home
When my mommy does come home
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll just get
One whipping tonight.
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie’s bar.
I hear him curse
My name is called
I press myself
Against the wall
I try to hide
From his evil eyes
I’m so afraid now
I’m starting to cry
He finds me weeping
Calls me ugly words,
He says its my fault
He suffers at work.
He slaps and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And run to the door
He’s already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall
I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken,
"I’m sorry!", I scream
But its now much to late
His face has been twisted
Into a unimaginable shape
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!
And he finally stops
And heads for the door
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor
My name is Tiffany
I am three,
Tonight my daddy
IF YOU ARE AGAINST CHILD ABUSE Please pass this on.
I was volunteering in a first grade classroom.
I was working with a little boy
Who had cuts and bruises on his face.
We were working on drawing a picture of a sea animal they would like to be.
He said he would want to be a crab.
I asked him why and he said
So that I
In a safe
Repost if you're against child abuse
Don't be afraid to cry
Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school
He told his friends that it was cool
And when he pulled the trigger back
It shot with a great crack
Mummy I was a good girl
I did what I was told
I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold
But mummy when I went to school that day, I never said goodbye
I'm sorry mummy I had to go, but mommy please don't cry
When Johnny shot the gun he hit me and another
And all because he got the gun from his older brother
Mummy please tell daddy that I love him very much
And please tell Chris, my boyfriend, that it wasn't just a crush
And tell my little sister that she is the only one now
And tell my dear sweet grandmother that I'll be waiting for her now
And tell my wonderful friends that they were always the best
Mummy I'm not the first I'm no better than the rest
Mummy tell my teachers I won't show up for class
And never to forget this and please don't let this pass
Mummy why'd it have to be me no one deserves this
Mummy warn the others, mummy I left without a kiss
And mummy tell the doctors I know they really did try
I think I even saw a doctor trying not to cry
Mummy I'm slowly dying with a bullet in my chest
But mummy please remember I'm in heaven with the rest
Mummy I ran as fast as I could when I heard that crack
Mummy listen to me if you would
I wanted to go to college
I wanted to try things that were new
I guess I'm not going with daddy
On that trip to the new zoo
I wanted to get married
I wanted to have a kid
I wanted to be an actress
Mummy I wanted to live
But mummy I must go now
The time is getting late
Mummy tell my Chris I'm sorry but I had to cancel the date
I love you mummy I always have I know you know it's true
Mummy all I wanted to say is "mummy I love you"
In memory of all of the students that have been lost
Please if you would
Pass this around
I'd be happy if you could
Don't smash this on the ground
If you pass this on
Maybe people will cry
Just keep this in heart
For the people that didn't get to say goodbye
Now you have two choices
2) ignore it
Please just copy and paste this on to your profile and show that you care
I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a cashier hand a little boy some money back.
The boy couldn't have been more than five or six years old.
The cashier said, "I'm sorry, but you don't have enough money to buy this doll."
Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him, ''Granny, are you sure I don't have enough money?''
The old lady replied, ''You know that you don't have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.''
Then she asked him to stay there for just five minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly.
The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.
Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.
"It's the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Clause would bring it for her."
I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.
But he replied to me sadly. "No, Santa Claus can't bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there."
His eyes were so sad while saying this. "My sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister."
My heart nearly stopped.
The little boy looked up at me and said: "I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall."
Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me, "I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won't forget me. I love my mommy and I wish she wouldn't have to leave me, but daddy says she has to go be with my little sister."
Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.
I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. "Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?"
"Okay," he said, "I hope I do have enough." I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.
The little boy said: "Thank you God for giving me enough money!"
Then he looked at me and added, "I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give it to my sister. He heard me!
"I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn't dare to ask God for too much. But he gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.
"My mommy loves white roses."
A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket.
I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started.
I couldn't get the little boy out of my mind.
Then I remembered a local news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.
The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.
Was this the family of the little boy?
Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper that the young woman had passed away.
I couldn't stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial.
She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.
I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed forever. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.
And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.
Now you have 2 choices:
1) Repost this message, or
2) Ignore it as if it never touched your heart.
You want to know something that I don't get? Anything that has the word permanent in it. I mean, they're not permanent. Everything fades away eventually. Take this for example. I was walking out of a gas station when I saw this little girl who looked like she was about seven. She was scratched up and crying, and her clothes where tattered and her body covered in dirt and scratches. I walked closer to her and noticed she was sobbing. Totally heart broken, and her face was clean where the tears fell. I noticed everyone was just walking past her, not giving her a second glance. I immediately thought of that old Bible story, the good Samaritan, and felt myself get a little angry. I walked up to the little girl, and knelt down next to her. "Why are you crying?" I asked her gently. She calmed down ever so slightly as she noticed I was standing there. "Why do people think things are permanent?" she asked me, her voice sweet, but there was so much hurt and sorrow in it, I barely noticed. I almost fell on my bottom, the question surprised me, but her voice even more so. I took in her features, or what I saw beneath the dirt. She had pearly white skin, rosy red cheeks and lips, crystal blue eyes, and long, choppy, raven black hair. But her face showed sadness and sorrow, just like her voice. "I-I don't know. Because if they believe things are permanent, maybe everything will last." my answer was more like a question, but she didn't seem to notice. She shook her head sadly, her eyes closed tightly. "Nothing last forever. Nothing is permanent. My mommy left me and my daddy in a fire that burned our house down, destroying almost everything we had. We were driving to grandpa's house, when our car broke down, a couple miles back. We've been walking for hours, and daddy is trying to get drinks inside." She took a deep breath, and I could feel my heart shatter as she told me her story. She looked me dead in the eye, her crystal blue eyes had a lonely light in them, and we stared at each other. "Daddy is broken now. So am I. Mommy is with God, but she left us alone. Nothing is permanent. Nothing." she started to cry again, and my heart practically stopped. I picked her up, surprising her so much that she stopped crying and stared at me in shock, and I marched back into the station. "Where is your daddy?" I asked her, and she pointed to a man with the same hair and eyes as the little girl. He too was dirty, his clothes tattered, and had scratches.. He was trying to pay for some water and snacks, but he didn't have enough money. I marched over, shooed him aside, and payed for everything. As I gave them to him, he stared at me in shock, noticing his little girl in my arms, no longer crying, but staring at her dad. He started to say something, but I put the girl down and raised a hand to stop him. "No need to thank me" I said smiling slightly. "You can do that after I drive you to your dad's house." The little girl looked up at me with awe, a hopeful light gleaming in her eyes, and it warmed me to the bone. As I drove back home that night, I thought about what the little girl told me. After a while, I decided that she was absolutely right. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing is Permanent.
True story. Now, I hope that all of you who think that life if perfect, all of you who think that it'll stay that way forever, get that it won't be like that for ever. And that you won't just sit back, not worrying one bit about the next day, because you have everything right now. News flash, everything and anything could change your life at the worst times, and not always for the good. You could lose everything. If this story made you think about life, or anything in general, really isn't 'permanent', or that you totally agree with me, copy this onto your profile, and send this same message that I just sent you. Remember, NOTHING IS PERMANENT.
A student got a 0% on the following exam even when he didn't get anything wrong. How is that?
Q1: In which battle did Napoleon die?
A: In his last battle
Q2: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom of the paper
Q3: The River Ravi flows in which state?
Q4: What is the main reason for divorce?
Q5: What is the main reason for failure?
Q6: What can you never eat for breakfast?
A: Lunch and dinner
Q7: What looks like half an apple?
A: The other half
Q8: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
Q9: How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
A: He sleeps at night
Q10: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: You will never find an elephant that only has one hand
Q11: It took eight men ten hours to build a wall. How long will it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all. The wall is already built.
Q12: How can you drop an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Any way you want. Concrete floors are very hard to crack.
Friends will make plans with your parents before they come to your house.
Best friends will barge through the door and yell, “I’M HOME!”
Friends will bring you your homework when you’re home sick.
Best friends will stuff it down a paper shredder for you and then blame it on their dog.
Friends will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
Best friends will kick the whole crowd’s butt that left you.
Friends ask you to write down your number for them.
Best friends have you on speed dial.
Friends have to be told not to tell anyone.
Best friends already know not to tell.
Friends will help you when you’re lost.
Best friends will give you bad directions and screw with your compass.
Friends will go with you to a concert.
Best friends will help you kidnap the band.
Friends will hide you from the cops.
Best friends are probably the reason they are after you.
Friends will bail you out of prison.
Best friends will be sitting next to you saying, “We screwed up, didn't we? But dang... that was awesome!"
Friends will find you your Prince Charming.
Best friends will find him, kidnap him, and then bring him to you.
Friends will comfort you when he breaks up with you.
Best friends will call him and whisper into the receiver, “Seven days…”
Friends will help you learn how to drive.
Best friends will help you roll the car into the lake so you can collect the insurance.
Friends borrow your stuff for a few days and then return it.
Best friends have had your stuff for so long they’ve forgotten it’s yours.
Friends will leave when they feel insulted.
Best friends will forgive you even if you don’t know what you said wrong.
Friends will ask you if you’re okay when you’re crying.
Best friends will cry with you and then go beat up the sorry loser who made you cry.
Friends will offer you a soda.
Best friends will dump theirs on you.
Friends will console you when your house catches on fire.
Best friends will roast marshmallows and flirt with the firemen.
Friends will ask, “Hey, are you okay?”
Best friends will load up their shotgun before you can tell them what's wrong.
Friends tell you that you look nice.
Best friends will tell you that your outfit looks like puke and help you find a new one ten minutes before school starts.
Friends say "good luck" when you go get your ears pierced.
Best friends help pick out your studs, take before and after pictures of your earlobes, and then put up with the unending questions and mirror-staring.
Friends roll their eyes when you start rambling yet again about your boyfriend (the fourth time that night).
Best friends start rambling with you.
Friends smile amusedly when you get obsessed with something.
Best friends get obsessed with you.
Friends say "See you later!"
Best friends say "I LUUUUUUUUUHHHHHVVVV you!!! DON'T LEEEEEAVVVE!" and tackle/hugs you.
Friends forgive you.
Best friends hold a fake grudge against you until you let them borrow a hair band.
Friends tell jokes with you.
Best friends have countless inside jokes with you.
Friends will help you move.
Best friends will help you move the bodies.
Nice to meet you."
Best friends meet your boyfriend and scare the crap out of him by threatening to break every bone in his body if he hurts you.
Friends think you’re insane for jumping off a roof onto a trampoline.
Best friends are jumping right after you.
Friends come over every couple of months for a sleepover.
Best friends are your weekend boarders.
Friends are shy around your boyfriend.
Best friends will tease him until he blushes redder than a fire truck.
Friends call you crazy for running through the bleachers yelling, “IT’S PICKLE TIME!”
Best friends say, "NO. IT'S CUCUMBER TIME!" and then run with you.
Friends will be crying at your funeral.
Best friends will be sitting in jail for killing the guy who murdered you.
Friends will ignore this.
Best friends will repost this crap!
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!"
5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6.In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'.
7.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
Copy and Paste this To Make People who read bios Smile :)
Rules to follow if you want to be a successful Evil Overlord:
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him, then say "No."
After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum –– a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way –– even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless –– my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
All naïve, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.
I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.
When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This," and kill the advisor.
If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess's cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.
If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.
If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.
If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.
If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.
When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45 MB in size.
To keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.
I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident -- I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused.
If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
Even though I don't really care because I plan on living forever, I will hire engineers who are able to build me a fortress sturdy enough that, if I am slain, it won't tumble to the ground for no good structural reason.
Any and all magic and/or technology that can miraculously resurrect a secondary character who has given up his/her life through self sacrifice will be outlawed and destroyed.
I will see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander shall REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of my capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.
I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
I will offer oracles the choice of working exclusively for me or being executed.
I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
I will make the main entrance to my fortress standard-sized. While elaborate 60-foot high double-doors definitely impress the masses, they are hard to close quickly in an emergency.
I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
If I capture the hero's starship, I will keep it in the landing bay with the ramp down, only a few token guards on duty and a ton of explosives set to go off as soon as it clears the blast-range.
No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, all of my personal weapons will be modified to fire one more shot than the standard issue.
If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
If I decide to hold a contest of skill open to the general public, contestants will be required to remove their hooded cloaks and shave their beards before entering.
Prior to kidnapping an older male scientist and forcing him to work for me, I will investigate his offspring and make sure that he has neither a beautiful but naive daughter who is willing to risk anything to get him back, nor an estranged son who works in the same field but had a falling-out with his father many years ago.
Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
Prison guards will have their own cantina featuring a wide variety of tasty treats that will deliver snacks to the guards while on duty. The guards will also be informed that accepting food or drink from any other source will result in execution.
I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
All members of my Legions of Terror will have professionally tailored uniforms. If the hero knocks a soldier unconscious and steals the uniform, the poor fit will give him away.
I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
Before appointing someone as my trusted lieutenant, I will conduct a thorough background investigation and security clearance.
If I find my beautiful consort with access to my fortress has been associating with the hero, I'll have her executed. It's regrettable, but new consorts are easier to get than new fortresses and maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to REALLY advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
If I build a bomb, I will simply remember which wire to cut if it has to be deactivated and make every wire red.
Before spending available funds on giant gargoyles, gothic arches, or other cosmetically intimidating pieces of architecture, I will see if there are any valid military expenditures that could use the extra budget.
The passageways to and within my domain will be well-lit with fluorescent lighting. Regrettably, the spooky atmosphere will be lost, but my security patrols will be more effective.
If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
If one of my daughters actually manages to win the hero and openly defies me, I will congratulate her on her choice, declare a national holiday to celebrate the wedding, and proclaim the hero my heir. This will probably be enough to break up the relationship. If not, at least I am assured that no hero will attack my Legions of Terror when they are holding a parade in his honor.
I will order my guards to stand in a line when they shoot at the hero so he cannot duck and have them accidentally shoot each other. Also, I will order some to aim above, below, and to the sides so he cannot jump out of the way.
My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
If my surveillance reports any un-manned or seemingly innocent ships found where they are not supposed to be, they will be immediately vaporized instead of brought in for salvage.
I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
Before ridiculing my enemies for wasting time on a device to stop me that couldn't possibly work, I will first acquire a copy of the schematics and make sure that in fact it couldn't possibly work.
Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
I will instruct my fashion designer that when it comes to accessorizing, second-chance body armor goes well with every outfit.
My Legions of Terror will be an equal-opportunity employer. Conversely, when it is prophesied that no man can defeat me, I will keep in mind the increasing number of non-traditional gender roles.
I will instruct my Legions of Terror in proper search techniques. In particular, if they are searching for escapees and someone shouts, "Quick! They went that way!", they must first ascertain the identity of this helpful informant before dashing off in hot pursuit.
If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
Whenever plans are drawn up that include a time-table, I'll post-date the completion 3 days after it's actually scheduled to occur and not worry too much if they get stolen.
I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
Before being accepted into my Legions of Terror, potential recruits will have to pass peripheral vision and hearing tests, and be able to recognize the sound of a pebble thrown to distract them.
I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
When planning an expedition, I will choose a route for my forces that does not go through thick, leafy terrain conveniently located near the rebel camp.
I will hire one hopelessly stupid and incompetent lieutenant, but make sure that he is full of misinformation when I send him to capture the hero.
As an equal-opportunity employer, I will have several hearing-impaired body-guards. That way if I wish to speak confidentially with someone, I'll just turn my back so the guards can't read my lips instead of sending all of them out of the room.
If the rebels manage to trick me, I will make a note of what they did so that I do not keep falling for the same trick over and over again.
If I am recruiting to find someone to run my computer systems, and my choice is between the brilliant programmer who's head of the world's largest international technology conglomerate and an obnoxious 15-year-old dork who's trying to impress his dream girl, I'll take the brat and let the hero get stuck with the genius.
I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
If I have massive computer systems, I will take at least as many precautions as a small business and include things such as virus-scans and firewalls.
I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.
I will allow guards to operate under a flexible work schedule. That way if one is feeling sleepy, he can call for a replacement, punch out, take a nap, and come back refreshed and alert to finish out his shift.
Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
I will have my fortress exorcized regularly. Although ghosts in the dungeon provide an appropriate atmosphere, they tend to provide valuable information once placated.
I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.
I will not outsource core functions.
If I ever build a device to transfer the hero's energy into me, I will make sure it cannot operate in reverse.
I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
Before using any device which transfers energy directly into my body, I will install a surge suppressor.
I will hire a drama coach. The hero will think it must be a case of mistaken identity when confronted by my Minnesota accent (if everyone sounds American) or my Cornwall accent (if everyone sounds British).
If I capture an enemy known for escaping via ingenious and fantastic little gadgets, I will order a full cavity search and confiscate all personal items before throwing him in my dungeon.
I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
I will funnel some of my ill-gotten gains into urban renewal projects. Although slums add a quaint and picturesque quality to any city, they too often contain unexpected allies for heroes.
I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetant old fool is standing behind the curtain.
If my mad scientist/wizard tells me he has almost perfected my Superweapon but it still needs more testing, I will wait for him to complete the tests. No one ever conquered the world using a beta version.
I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
If I am using the hero's girlfriend as a hostage and am holding her at the point of imminent death when confronting the hero, I will focus on her and not him. He won't try anything with his true love held hostage. On the other hand, the fact that she has been weak, slow-witted, naive and generally useless up to this point has no bearing on her actions at the moment of dramatic climax.
I will make several ludicrously erroneous maps to secret passages in my fortress and hire travellers to entrust them to aged hermits.
I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
I will hire an expert marksman to stand by the entrance to my fortress. His job will be to shoot anyone who rides up to challenge me.
I will explain to my Legions of Terror that guns are ranged weapons and swords are not. Anyone who attempts to throw a sword at the hero or club him with a gun will be summarily executed.
I will remember that any vulnerabilities I have are to be revealed strictly on a need-to-know basis. I will also remember that no one needs to know.
I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
All giant serpents acting as guardians in underground lakes will be fitted with sports goggles to prevent eye injuries.
All crones with the ability to prophesy will be given free facelifts, permanents, manicures, and Donna Karan wardrobes. That should pretty well destroy their credibility.
I will not employ an evil wizard if he has a sleazy mustache.
I will hire an entire squad of blind guards. Not only is this in keeping with my status as an equal opportunity employer, but it will come in handy when the hero becomes invisible or douses my only light source.
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any alleged "repairmen" who show up at the fortress will be escorted to the dungeon.
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
Employees will have conjugal visit trailers which they may use provided they call in a replacement and sign out on the timesheet. Given this, anyone caught making out in a closet while leaving their station unmonitored will be shot.
Members of my Legion of Terror will attend seminars on Sensitivity Training. It's good public relations for them to be kind and courteous to the general population when not actively engaged in sowing chaos and destruction.
I will not, under any circumstances, marry a woman I know to be a faithless, conniving, back-stabbing witch simply because I am absolutely desperate to perpetuate my family line. Of course, we can still date.
All guest-quarters will be bugged and monitored so that I can keep track of what the visitors I have for some reason allowed to roam about my fortress are actually plotting.
If my chief engineer displeases me, he will be shot, not imprisoned in the dungeon or beyond the traps he helped design.
I will not send out batalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
I will not wear long, heavy cloaks. While they certainly make a bold fashion statement, they have an annoying tendency to get caught in doors or tripped over during an escape.
If a malignant being demands a sacrificial victim have a particular quality, I will check to make sure said victim has this quality immediately before the sacrifice and not rely on earlier results. (Especially if the quality is virginity and the victim is the hero's girlfriend.)
If I ever MUST put a digital timer on my doomsday device, I will buy one free from quantum mechanical anomalies. So many brands on the market keep perfectly good time while you're looking at them, but whenever you turn away for a couple minutes then turn back, you find that the countdown has progressed by only a few seconds.
If my Legions of Terror are defeated in a battle, I will quietly withdraw and regroup instead of launching a haphazard mission to assassinate the hero.
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "It's power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempt to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
My force-field generators will be located inside the shield they generate.
I reserve the right to execute any henchmen who appear to be a little too intelligent, powerful, or devious. However if I do so, I will not at some subsequent point shout "Why am I surrounded by these incompetent fools?!"
I will install a fire extinguisher in every room -- three, if the room contains vital equipment or volatile chemicals.
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
I will explain to my guards that most people have their eyes in the front of their heads and thus while searching for someone it makes little sense to draw a weapon and slowly back down the hallway.
I will have a staff of competent detectives handy. If I learn that someone in a certain village is plotting against me, I will have them find out who rather than wipe out the entire village in a preemptive strike.
I will never bait a trap with genuine bait.
If the hero claims he wishes to confess in public or to me personally, I will remind him that a notarized deposition will serve just as well.
If I have several diabolical schemes to destroy the hero, I will set all of them in motion at once rather than wait for them to fail and launch them successively.
I will not procrastinate regarding any ritual granting immortality.
Mythical guardians will be instructed to ask visitors name, purpose of visit, and whether they have an appointment instead of ancient riddles.
This Evil Overlord List is Copyright 1996-1997 by Peter Anspach. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way, and (2) this copyright notice is attached.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
Take 3 minutes and try this...it will freak you out...BUT NO CHEATING!
This game has a funny/spooky outcome.Don't read ahead...just do it in order!
It's worth a try.
First..get a pen and paper.
When you actually choose names, make sure it's people you actually know and go with your first instinct.
Scroll down one line at a time...and don't read ahead or you'll ruin it!
1. First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.
2. Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write down any two numbers you want
.3. Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex
.4. Write anyone's name (like friends or family...) in the 4th, 5th, and 6th spots.
5. Write down four song titles in 8,9,10, and 11. (Go with your instincts!)
6. Finally, make a wish.
And now the key for the game...
1. You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game.
2. The person in space 3 is the one that you love.
3. The person in 7 is one you like but can't work out
.4. You care most about the person you put in 4.
5. The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well
.6. The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.
7. The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3.
8. The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7.
9. The tenth space is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.10.
11 is the song telling you how you feel about life
NOW...post this bulletin (don't reply) within the hour. IF you do, your wish will come true...If you don't it will become the opposite.
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to your mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which button to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have a bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.
Repost this if you found this funny, or wish you were the one who recorded the voice mail...
10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden...in his house.
I am a book freak, yes.
While I hole myself up in a good story,
you're off reading things from Facebook.
While I lose myself in unknown worlds,
you're off playing Minecraft or World of Warcraft.
While I learn things you cannot imagine,
you're off failing school and your teachers and family.
I know more about some characters than I do myself—
characters you will never know.
I can survive my whole life in a world—
a world you will never see.
I know the secrets of people, places, and creatures—
all of which you will never meet.
I could ruin your life, if I had the heart to and if you and I were in one of the worlds I know—
and you would never tell the difference.
I create worlds, people, creatures, but most of all lives with my words that you call another boring subject—
something you will never experience the joy and pride of.
I have ridden on dragons, outwitted darkness, eluded death a thousand times . . .
I have saved lives, used magic, unraveled deathly secrets that could start wars . . .
I have swum with the serpents, flown with the pegasi, howled with the wolves . . .
I have stood upon the moon, fought in great battles, discovered new universes . . .
I have relived long-gone lives, shaped new destinies, guided the paths of others . . .
I have stepped into other worlds, become other creatures, experienced unimaginable things . . .
I have lived through wars, living nightmares, the worst of tragedies . . .
I have felt the joy, pride, and elation of just—knowing.
Knowing the fact that you would never learn what I have.
And never have I moved a single inch, as long as I read.
Yet you claim that all of this is boring—
Boring, stupid, sad, uncool, dumb, even embarrassing.
You say that this is something no one can like.
And yet, here I stand, holding a book.
If you agree with what I have written, copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to make our voices heard: Your.Worst.Nightmare.1090
If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever run into a tree, copy this to your profile!
If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile
If you have ever tripped down the stairs copy this into your profile.
If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile
If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy this to your profile
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vice versa copy this into your profile
If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.
If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.
If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy this on your profile.
If you are aware that so many people nowadays pretend to be someone they're not, copy this on your profile.
If you're against animal cruelty (horse slaughter, bear bating, dolphin hunting, chimp slavery etc.) then copy this into your profile!
If someone has ever said something to you that had nothing to do with your current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites copy this in your profile.
If you hate those obnoxious preppy people PLEASE copy this in your profile.
If you and your friends have a nickname, title, or anything else for each other, copy and paste this in your profile.
If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.
If you have a very wide range of interests, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever stayed up for over 40 hours continuously just because you frickin' COULD, copy this into your profile.
If you think that Sakura Haruno is shit, copy this and paste it in your profile :P
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic. I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists. I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun. I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed. I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat. I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy. I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy. I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist. I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell. I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat. I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world. I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals. I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy. I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem. I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store. I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage. (only part but in the summer my very pale brother and I are sometimes asked if one of us is adopted and when I was with my grandfather (full) we were literally asked if we knew what tribe we were from.) I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid and stuck up. I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut. I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs. I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob. I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo. I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend. I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut. I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandal I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST! I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin. I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life. I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention. I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention. I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist. I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be going out with them all. I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player. I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer. I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser. I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll. I'm GERMAN, so I MUST be a Nazi. I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT. I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent. I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy. I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat. I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly. I'm a SKATER so I MUST do weed and steal stuff I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7 I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals. I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up. I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist. I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork. I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty. I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser. I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control. I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister. I'm on a DANCE team, so I MUST be stupid and stuck up. I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive. I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border. I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat. I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich. I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino. I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party. I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo. I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too. I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't. I DON'T LIKE to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social. I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy. I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch. My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills. I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch. I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs. I READ COMICS, so I MUST be a loser. I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse I’m a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak. I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker. (the sad thing is that I kinda am...) I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled. I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak. I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant. I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo. I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent. I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend. I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers. I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare. I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid. I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE. I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and A MURDERER! I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth. I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future. I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue. I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian. I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE. I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER. I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED. I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST. I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST. I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE. I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean. I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid. I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroos. I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting. I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak. I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life. I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too. I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp. I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, them burst into tears at one mistake I DON"T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems I don't HAVE MANY FRIENDS, so I MUST be antisocial. (I am sort of) I have a guy best friend, so I MUST be going out with him. I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash
I SUCK MY OWN BLOOD FROM WOUNDS, so I MUST have a vampire fetish. I'm a good actor/actress, so I MUST be a liar. (I am not but when I do lie I am a great lair!) I'm a BLACK BELT, so I MUST always want to kick someone's ass. I LIKE TO BE MYSELF, so I MUST be cocky and arrogant. I'm a BOHEMIAN, so I MUST be a lazy drug addict. I LOVE ANIMALS, so I MUST be a vegetarian. I'm a TREEHUGGER, so I MUST be a drug addicted hippie. I'm INTO JIMI HENDRIX, so I MUST be on drugs. I'm a MUSICIAN, so I MUST not be doing anything with my life. I have GOOD GRADES, so I MUST be a nerd or suck-up. I have GREEN SKIN, so I MUST be a wicked witch. I'm DIFFERENT, so I MUST just want attention. I'm an ACTOR/ACTRESS, so I MUST be mean. I'm AMERICAN, so I MUST be an overweight pig with no boundaries I'm a GIRL, so I MUST suck at all guy sports I like CATS, so I MUST dance like a cat in my spare time. I SPEAK GERMAN, so I MUST be a psycho Nazi I WEAR GLASSES and RETAINERS, so I MUST be a nerd I'm HALF ASIAN HALF BRITISH, so I MUST be short I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST be rebellious I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser. I DON'T HAVE A RELIGION, so I MUST not have morals I'm a DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people. I HAVE a BIG FAMILY siblings, so WE MUST be financially challenged I'm ALWAYS SMILING AND LAUGHING, so I MUST have a great life. I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS, so I MUST be looking for attention I COPIED AND PASTED THIS INTO MY PROFILE, so I MUST be a plagiarist. I FROWN a lot, so I MUST have a bad life I get BAD GRADES, so I MUST be a slacker who doesn't try I'm a JEW, so I MUST hate all Germans I like to listen to HANNAH MONTANA, so I MUST be childish and immature I am POLITE to TEACHERS, so I MUST be a teacher's pet. I don't have a SOCIAL LABEL, so I MUST just be emo. I like COUNTRY music, so I MUST be a redneck hick. I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect. I love SHOPPING so I MUST be rich I like to READ, so I MUST be a nerd
I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED
Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed - I'm not a can, so don't label me.
Excuse me...have you seen my sanity?...I think I lost it.
Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...
STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the bodies natural desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.
I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away.
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
I'm the kind of person who will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.
Being mature is overrated.
Being weird is like being normal, only better.
I see regular people!
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.
One day, will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject
When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
Silence is golden and duct tape is silver.
When life gives you lemons throw them in life's face, they're probably poisoned.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then watch the world wonder how you did it.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk
I've got A.D.D and magic markers, oh the thrills I will have!
Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.
Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.
Never knock on Death’s door, ring the doorbell and run away, he hates that.
Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh, he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff
I’m not afraid of Death, what’s it gonna do kill me?
It’s always the last place you look. Of course it is - why would I keep looking after I’ve found it?
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three
I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going, and hook up with them later.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
If you can't fix it with duck tape you haven't used enough!
I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on eBay.
There is no "I" in team but there is definitely a "ME"...
I ran with scissors, and lived!
Fergie taught me how to spell delicious and glamorous.
I agree with the dictionary: girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
There are three kinds of people in the world: ones that can count and ones that can't count.
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends, for I may not return alive.
I'm not afraid of Death. What's he gonna do, kill me?
Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Education is important, school however, is another matter.
Don’t mess with me - I've got a stick.
Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.
Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls.
I smile cause I don't know what the hell is going on.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Keep smiling - it makes everyone wonder what your up too
I am NOT saying you're stupid...I'm just implying it.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!
I'm the kind of girl who would get fired at the M&M's company for eating most of them.
I'm the kind of girl who's not afraid to prank my friends.
If all else fails, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.
The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and really don't want to see you everyday.
Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them.
Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
When in doubt, push random buttons!
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.
There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.
Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking.
You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it.
An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.
Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss.
There are no stupid questions, just a lot of inquisitive idiots.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.
Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.
Writing isn't a career, it's more of a mental illness.
Anything thrown hard enough should hurt.
Curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought him back, but stupidity killed him again.
Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Some say the glass is half full, some say it's half empty, I say, "Are you gonna drink that?"
All people have the right to stupidity but some people abuse the privilege.
The trouble with life, is there's no background music.
A clean house is a sign of a broken computer!
Do not walk behind me for I may not lead, do not walk in front of me for I may not follow, do not walk beside me either. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!
Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
I don't get even, I get odder.
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then throw it back at life and steal the oranges you asked for!
In order to lose your mind, you have to have one in the first place.
I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly.
You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
Chaos, panic, pandemonium, my work here is done.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear into my crib.
At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote.
You have a short temper.
You often act on your emotions without thinking first.
You are very competitive.
You like to play with fire.
You are not a strong swimmer or you can't swim at all.
You prefer warm weather over cold weather. (I like both equally!!)
You often lose control over yourself.
You can be quite reckless.
You sometimes hurt people without realizing it.
People have often called you insane.
You have a calm, laid-back personality.
You like to go to the beach.
You rarely get angry.
When you do get angry, you know how to control it.
You think before you act.
You are good at breaking up fights.
You are a good swimmer.
You like the rain.
You can stay calm in stressful situations.
You are very generous.
You are physically strong.
You have a close connection with nature.
You don't mind getting dirty.
You form strong opinions on issues that concern you.
You could easily survive in the wild.
You care about the environment.
You can easily focus on your work without getting distracted.
You rarely get depressed.
You aren't afraid of anything.
You prefer to have a strict set of rules.
You have a free spirit.
You hate rules.
You prefer to be out in the open rather than in small, enclosed spaces.
You hate to be restrained.
You are very independent and outgoing.
You are quite intelligent.
You tend to be impatient.
You are easily distracted.
You can sometimes be hyperactive and/or annoying.
You wish you could fly.
You spend most of your time alone.
You prefer nighttime over daytime.
You like creepy things. (not bugs)
You like to play tricks on people.
Black is your favorite color.
You prefer the villains over the heroes in movies, TV shows, video games, etc.
You don't talk much.
You are atheist. (Sort of no religion really...)
You love watching scary movies.
You love to break the rules.
You are very polite.
You are spiritual.
When someone is in trouble, you never hesitate to help them.
You believe everything you see or hear.
You are afraid of the dark.
You hate violence.
You hope for world peace.
You are generally a happy person.
Everyone loves to be around you.
You always follow the rules.
If you or your best friend is insane, copy this into your profile.(me...mostly)
If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile
Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!
If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.
I'd take a bullet for you. Not in the head, like in the leg or something.
Worst. Idea. Ever. [pause] Let's do it.
People who investigate noises in horror movies deserve to die.
It's better to have loved and lost than to live with the physco for the rest of your life.
I've probably learned more from Google than I have from school
I'm not crazy. My reality is just different then yours.
I'm not easily distr. . .OMG! SHINY!
If you have ever wondered what it was like to be a character in a movie, copy and paste this to your profile.
How to Tell if You're a Writer
-If you talk to yourself.
-And finally, the number one way to tell if you're a good writer: If you failed English 101.
Take Time To Read Each Sentence
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
this is person cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now read the THIRD word of every line :)
95% of people would panic if the Jonas brothers stood on the roof of a 3 story building and said they were about to jump. If you are one of the 5 who would get all of your friends, some popcorn, and a soda and scream "JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!" copy this
Ever wonder what happens to those people who mysteriously stop updating?
It is a known fact that 94% of people who mysteriously stop updating have been eaten by dragons. The other 6% are hiding in their bathtubs with a fire extinguisher.
If you believe this is true, copy this
50 Ways to get Kicked out of Wal-Mart
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals
4. Don't bother doing your own shopping. Simply find someone with a full trolley containing roughly the items you need, and when they are not looking take it and go pay for it at the checkout. (this is not stealing, they did not own the items yet, they were simply 'moving them around')
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit, then arrange them into erotic poses. (be creative with the gift-wrap tubes used in point 6).
9. When there are people behind you, walk really slowly,
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I
11. Turn all the radios to polka stations; then turn them off
12. Re-enact a fatal incident involving the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi. I haven't seen
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself
15. When you leave the store, try your car keys in the door of every car in the car park until you get to your own. Then drive off as if this is perfectly normal. (Note- if you don't actually own a car and walked to the store, attempt the above by substituting car keys with your house keys).
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you are
17. Follow people through the aisles, staying about 5 feet
18. Ask if you can test some super-glue before buying it, then walk around the store gluing random items to other items/customers/staff. For added fun: See how many cashiers you can glue to each-other before any of them notice.
19. As the cashier runs your purchase over the scanner say "BEEP" in a loud voice. Repeat this for every item, and for other customers items. If the cashier protests, kill them.
20. Take off your shoes and tell them you want to return it and
21. Move "Caution : Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can catch from other
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying,
26. Climb things.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello"
29. When someone asks you if you need help, begin to cry and
30. When 2 or 3 people are walking ahead of you, run between
31. Make up nonsense products and ask employees if there are any
32. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full-scale
33. Take bets on the battle from above.
34. Test the brushes and combs in Cosmetics on all the live animals in Pet-Care.
35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags against their will.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
42. Two words: Marco Polo.
43. Leave Cheerios in lawn and garden, pillows in the pet
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's using an alternative alphabet of your choosing.
45. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look with
46. When someone steps away from his or her cart to look at
47. Relax in the patio furniture drinking beer until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, drop to
49. Pay off layaways 50 cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair over to the magazines and relax. Go to
"When can we live in a world where chickens can cross the road without being questioned about their motives?"
"I'm the type of girl that can watch all the scary movies I want and not get scared, but I scream at the top of my lungs when the toast pops out of the toaster."
"Please, they wouldn't come near me if they were on fire, and I had the only bucket of water in town."
"Lettuce... Any questions?"
"Gravity man. It's not just a good idea, it's the law!"
"Blondes have more fun, but brunettes actually remember it the next day."
"Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver."
"A palm can say a lot, especially when it smacks you."
"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is NOT for you!"
"Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it."
"What I lack in talent I make up for with enthusiasm."
"Having good friends is like wetting your pants. Others can see it, and you can feel it."
"Warning: jumping into radioactive waste does not give you super powers!"
"WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary, whose name and/or species you can't remember."
"I trip UP the stairs."
"Don't follow me. I run into walls."
"I am the bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up."
"I'm naturally blonde. So please speak slowly."
"Girls can do anything boys can do, and we can do it in high heels."
"Brilliant brunette with many blonde moments."
"I am the type of girl who burst out laughing at something that happened yesterday."
"It's a beautiful day! Now watch some idiot screw it up."
"The darkest hour is always just before dawn breaks."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?"
"Pain is a good thing. It lets you know you're still alive."
"If you want to figure out what's right for you, sometimes it's enough to figure out what's wrong."
"I do whatever the voices in my head tell me to do!"
"Forget yesterday. Live for today. Tomorrow will take care of itself."
"Forget the risk. Take the fall. If it's meant to be, It's worth it all."
"Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die tomorrow."
"The people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."
"Live for the nights you won't remember. With the friends you'll never forget."
"You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me."
"Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, yelling 'Daaamn... What a ride!'"
"Never take life too seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."
"I HATE IT WHEN THE LITTLE VOICES ARGUE WITH MY IMAGINARY FRIENDS!"
"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."
"Never tell anyone your problems. 20% don't care, and the other 80% are glad you have them."
"If life was easy... where would all the adventure be?"
"Every story has an end, but in life, every end is just a new beginning."
"Who are you to judge me? I know I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be! But before you go pointing fingers, make sure your own hands are clean."
"Be strong now. Because things will get better. It may be stormy now. But it can't rain forever..."
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon!"
"I'm the kind of person who spends hours trying to drown a fish."
"To be old and wise, you first must be young and stupid."
"LIFE IS LIKE A MOVIE: If you are sad: drama. If you are afraid: suspense. If you are angry: action. When you look at the mirror: horror. Now you are smiling: that's comedy!"
"DO NOT INTERRUPT ME WHEN I AM TALKING TO MYSELF!"
"Whoever said nothing was impossible never tried slamming a revolving door."
"Break the rules. Stand apart. Ignore your head. Follow your heart."
"I'm not random, you just can't think as fast as I- GUMMYBEARS!"
"When nothing goes right... go left."
"The more you learn, the more you know. The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know... So why learn?"
"I'm not crazy. My reality is just... different than yours."
"DRINK COFFEE! DO DUMB THINGS FASTER WITH MORE ENERGY!"
"NEVER go to bed angry. Stay awake and plot your revenge."
"I'm not deaf. I'm just ignoring you."
"It takes skill to trip over a flat surface!"
"People change. Things go wrong. But just remember: Life Goes On..."
IMPORTANT THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME!
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
Keep smiling- it makes everyone wonder what your up too
I am NOT saying your stupid...I'm just implying it.
Kids are the future. Be scared. Be very scared.
When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in life's eye. and say 'How much you like lemons now, Life, huh? Huh?'
I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind! but not my brain. I need that.
Therapy is expensive. popping bubble wrap is cheap... you decide.
Excuse me, have you seen my sanity? I think I lost it.
The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all commited suicide.
Your weirdness is creeping out my imaginary friend.
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning many and 'tics' as in the bloodsucking creatures?
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
A idiot is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.
Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
There's no 'I' in 'TEAM' but there's a 'U' in 'SUCK'!
I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away.
I was going to take over the world but I got distracted by something sparkly
I did not hit you. I simply high-fived your face.
I didn't run into the door, my face decided to say hello.
I never finish anyth
People are like slinkies, basically useless. But it's still amusing to watch them fall down the stairs
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that it up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you!
One day a woman caught a magic frog while jogging. The frog gave her three wishes for catching him, but with one catch: everything she wished for, her husband would also get, only he'd get 10 times more than her. First she wished to be the most beautiful woman on earth. "Are you sure? Your husband will be 10 times more beautiful than you," the frog clarified. "Oh yes, I'm sure." ZAP! The woman was instantly beautiful, but she was still only the second most beautiful on earth, her husband being first. "My second wish is that I wish I was the richest person on earth," she told the frog. "You sure? Your husband will have 10 times more money than you." "Oh yes." "Okay, then." ZAP! Trillions and trillions of dollars appeared in a safe in the woman's house. However, her husband was granted with even more money. "What's your third wish?" the frog asked. "I wish for a mild heart attack.
A couple of strangers were drinking at a cliffside bar overlooking the ocean. Both of them look a little drunk, when one says to the other: "Hey, look at the wind whipping up the side of that cliff. It moves pretty fast. I'll bet I could jump off of the ledge, catch the wind in my coat, and get lifted right back up to the bar!" "No way", says the other guy, "you'd fall to your death." "Well, I'm going to try it!", says the first, and at that he walks over, stands on the ledge, and leaps off in a swan dive. Sure enough, he comes sailing back up in no time, and lands on his feet right in front of the bar. "I can't believe it!" says the second guy, "that's impossible" . So the first drunk does it again: he jumps off the cliff, catches the wind in his coat, and comes sailing back to the bar. "Go ahead", he says, "try it, it's great!" "Well, OK, I'm just drunk enough to give it a go", says the second fellow. So he climbs the ledge and leaps off the cliff, only to fall screaming to his death on the rocks below. The first guy walks back to the bar and sits down to his drink. The bartender steps over, looks him in the eye, and says to him: "You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes when you've been drinking, Superman".
... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... .sSS... ... ..sS... ... ... ... ... ... ... . If you're a girl and you've ever
Words of Wisdom and Quotes
-Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
-Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them
-Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat
-There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives
-Be patient. Waiting allows the development of humility.
-Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good?
-Nothing makes us so lonely as our own secrets.
-Don't let fear rule your life since F.E.A.R. stands for False.Evidence.Appearing.Real. Either that or it stands for First.Encounter.Assault.Recon.
-Asking for patience is asking for more problems...
-Living in denial is living a lie.
-A weak opponent in the past can become a dangerous one in the future.
-Time is a great teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its pupils.
-A man with nothing to lose is capable of anything
-When you curse someone, you dig your own grave.
-Because our entire universe is made up of consciousness, we never really experience the universe directly we just experience our consciousness of the universe, our perception of it, so right, our only universe is perception.
-When outnumbered, don't think of it as outnumbered, think of it as a wide target selection.
-Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you’re up to.
-Silence is the most pleasing sound, so shut up.
-Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Learn to recognize when speed is not important. Race when being first is important; move at your own pace at all other times. It is not necessary to always strike the first blow, to provide the first solution, or to reach a goal before anyone else does. In fact, it is sometimes vital to strike the last blow, to give the final answer, or to arrive after everyone else.
-War does not determine who is right only who is left.
-Heroes come and go, but the stories never change, the battle between good and evil will rage on for millenniums to come, yet through out all time there is one thing that has never changed, evil never dies, and heroes never surrender!
-One who does not sacrifice anything cannot achieve anything.
-You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because you're all the same!
-I don't hit people, I only Hi-5 their faces
100 Things to do if bored during class
1. Devise a secret code with your friends then hand in the homework in that code
Welcome to The Weakest Link.
Here is a very simple little test comprised of four questions to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting time.
And NO CHEATING. On your mark, set...GO!!!
1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner in second place.
If you answered that you're now coming first then you're completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their place, therefore you're coming second.
For the next question try not to be so dumb.
2 : If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?
If you answered second-last, once again you're completely wrong. Think about it...How can you over take the person coming last? If you're behind them then they can't be last. The answer is impossible!!
It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. You would make a good door-stop!!! Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous.
3 : Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000. Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20. Plus 1000. And plus 10. What is the total ?
5000??? Wrong again!!!!
4 : Marie's father has five daughters:
Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?
Answer: Chuchu??? WRONG!!!!!
You are clearly the weakest link...GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
( Hehe, I actually got the first one and last two right! Failed the second one though…)
Something Americans might find interesting (and the rest of us will find funny!)
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Enjoy paying your taxes.
A good example of an idiot ringing technical support
Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out and that didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
(At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.)
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"
( Silence. )
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer!"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, but instead proceeded to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day!"
Why punctuation is important
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Why English is the hardest language to learn
1, The bandage was wound around the wound.
2, The farm was used to produce produce.
3, The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4, There is no time like the present, so he thought he would present the present.
5, When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
6, He did not object to the object.
7, The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
8,The oarsmen had a row about how to row.
9, he was too close to the door to close it.
10, A stag does strange things when the does are present.
11, After a number of injections my jaw became number.
12, The artist saw a tear in his painting and shed a tear.
13,She had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
14, An army chef decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
There are no eggs in an eggplant, no apple or pine in pineapple.
Quicksand works slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
Guinea pigs are neither fromGuineaor are pigs.
Writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham.
If a vegetarian eats veg, what does an humanitarian eat?
A slim chance and a fat chance are similar.
So are quite a lot and quite a few.
But overlook and oversee are very different.
You fill in a form to fill it out.
An alarm goes off by going on.
When the stars are out, you see their light but when the lights are out you see nothing.
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panamahats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) TheCanary Islandsin the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?
1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
3) From sheep and horses.
4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5) Squirrel fur.
6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria -Islandof the Dogs.
7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of QueenVictoriathat no future king should ever be called Albert.
8) Distinctively crimson.
10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.
Check out some supposedly true and very funny answers in a written driving test
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
Ponder these imponderables!
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What happens if you open it somewhere else?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?
Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?
Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?
If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
How can someone "draw a blank"?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?
Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?
Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?
Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?
Does a fish get cramps after eating?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
How can there be "self help GROUPS"?
Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?
Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put "U" and "I" together
Kids Are Quick
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Your One and Only Wish
Do it one by one, don't look ahead!
1. write the name of a person of the opposite sex.
2. which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, and green.
3. your first initial?
4. your month of birth?
5. which color do you like more, black or white?
6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
7. your favorite number?
8. do you like California of Florida more?
9. do you like the lake or ocean more?
10. Write down a wish (a realistic one.)
are you done?
If so, scroll down
1. You are completely in love with this person.
2. If you choose:
Red: You are alert and you life is full of love.
Black: You are conservative and aggressive.
Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.
Blue: you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the one you love.
Yellow: You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
3. If you're initial is:
A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R: You try to enjoy life to the maximum and you love life is soon to blossom
S-Z: You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
4. If You were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will for very well for you and you will discover the you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
Apr-June: you will have a strong love relationship that will no long but the memories will last forever
July-Sept: You will have a great year and will experience a major life changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.
5. If you choose...
Black: your life will take on a different direction; it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you and you will be glad for the change.
white: You will have a friend who completely confides in ykou and would do anything for you but you may not realize it.
6. This person is your best friend.
7. This is how many close friends you have in a lifetime.
8. If you choose...
California: You like adventure.
Florida: You are a laidback person.
9. If you choose...
Lake: You are loyal to you friends and you love. And you are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
10. This wish will come true only if you Re-post this bulletin in one hours and it will come true before your next birthday!
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
Plato: For the greater good.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DANGIT, DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams: Forty-two. Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North: National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus: For fun. Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
Ronald Reagan: I forget.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Chaucer: So priketh hem nature in hir corages.
Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.
The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.
Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.
Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.
Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.
Mrs Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.
Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.
Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.
Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.
Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.
Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.
Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.
Freud: An die andere Seite zu kommen. (Much laughter)
Hamlet: That is not the question.
Donne: It crosseth for thee.
Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.
Constable: To get a better view.
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